You haven’t written anything yet!

Hello,

This is you. I am writing to inform you that you have not written anything yet. You worry yourself. Why aren’t you writing lately? You used to love to write. You would often tell yourself that writing was your passion, your gift, your calling. You feel that perhaps you were wrong, or that you just went in a different direction in life. Or, perhaps, life went in a different direction. You feel you cannot relate to the world anymore. You wanted to write for a newspaper. Now, you don’t like to read the news at all. You feel the news must be click-bait, above all, and that is not true news. That is internet bullshit.

You are not a writer. You are a person on the internet who actually paid WordPress for a personal web address for a year. You thought, maybe you’ll make a few dollars off ad revenue. You felt slightly odd about that, because you feel ads are one of the things that is very wrong about the internet. However, you are still merely a human, and you dream about having a ‘side hustle.’ And, what would be your side hustle? Writing a blog! Of course!

You made zero dollars. You cancelled your WordPress plan.

Sometimes you write  a blog entry on Sunday afternoons. You use a few ‘tags’ so bots and other bloggers will ‘like’ your post. You wish they would actually read your blog. Sometimes they do. The bots do not. The bots are taking over the internet.

You miss the internet from 1999. You are out of touch. You are not evolving with the times. You need a new phone. You need a hug. You need to exercise more. You need some validation. You aren’t getting it from you. You will not fill your head with false ideas.

Perhaps you were not meant to be a blog writer. Perhaps you need to accept this fact.

You know, I always found you to be someone I can’t forget. You know, maybe it’s because…well….

I AM YOU!

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A kind visitor (?) to my blog said they could increase the traffic to my blog. How kind. I am utterly dubious.

This blog is now a symbol of my dying love for writing. Or is it?

This blog is a symbol of my inability to write.

I used to think I would become a writer. Now I don’t know what the hell to write about. A lot has changed since I aspired to write for the local paper. Look, it was 2003, keep your ‘omg does anyone even READ newspapers anymore?!’ jokes to yourself. Mostly because jokes making fun of the recent past are the easiest jokes to make.

Ipod? Okay, grandpa!

You want me to VIDEOTAPE you? Okay…grandma!

You want me to help you find your way back to your time machine, because you are a traveler from 1850 and you just spend some time on reddit and now you want to get the fuck back to your time, scurvy and all? Okay…..great great great grandpa!

Anyway, I think I made my point. Uh….Oh. Right. That I can’t write anymore.

I suspect that, perhaps, we just change over time, and there’s nothing we can do about it- Except complain incessantly to anyone who will listen.

Well, reader, that ‘anyone’ is you. Thank you kindly. Let me continue my whine.

I accepted that I won’t write anything groundbreaking or anything even ungroundbreaking. (i can invent words if I want)

But I haven’t fully accepted that sometimes I just don’t know what the hell to say anymore. How do you even poke fun at the world, like I used to? Everything is a parody now. Or is that a damn COP OUT? PERHAPS.

Or maybe I just haven’t found the THING to write about.

As you know, Julia Roberts Ate, Prayed, and Loved (she totes had sex with some guy) her way across India, Italy, and…..somewhere else. I dont have google.com, so I cant look it up for ya. Well, Julia Roberts is rich as fuck, unlike most broke ass Americans, so we simply do not have the luxury of quitting our jobs and eating copious pasta. I suppose we could quit our jobs and eat copious pasta in our homes, but that doesn’t sound like the good premise for a FEEL GOOD hollywood movie aimed at 25-45 year old women such as myself.

Perhaps I can write about my inability to write. My lack of imagination. My feeling that I just don’t have enough time anymore, except, really, I do. I found time to learn Spanish, to learn gardening, to run road races back in the day (and burn off my knee caps in the process, but that’s another story)

But this feeling of having nothing to write is a new feeling. I dont think it stems from depression, or sadness, or even from heartburn. Although, heartburn sure is annoying.

I suppose I am in a phase. Once, I had a low carb phase. I mean, low carb seems the way to go, but I sure as hell didn’t stick with it. The siren call of pizza was too much to resist. I do, however, have a delightful low carb book.

20170506_133050
beaming with pride whilst holding a low carb book. bread is the devil!

 

Another time, I had a pizza phase. And now, it is my ‘What the HELL do I write in my blog?’ phase!

It’s ok, my elders tell me, ‘it’s just a phase. You just haven’t met the right blog topic yet. ‘

 

 

the best way to get better at anything

is to do it every day. every damn day.

I have to remember that with my journaling. When I was a kiddo, I wrote in a journal every day. The entries are mildly hilarious…I mean, it’s really interesting to see the cognitive switches between an 11 year old girl and a 13 year old girl, ya know? It’s like I was two different people. (I was. As you know, the ‘self’ is an illusion!)

So, why is it so hard for me to write these days? Well, I have way more distractions. We all do…in 1995, I had the Tv, and that thing sure sucked me in (Anyone remember Full House?! Not FULLER House, FULL house….) but nothin’ sucks me in like the good ol world wide web. Or Information Superhighway, as it was dubbed in 1993 on my local news station…

But, I cannot sit here and blame the internet.com for zapping my ability to write. I must focus. FOCUS.

I’ve started re-reading Cal Newport’s book Deep Work. I recommend this book for anyone who is struggling to concentrate on a task. If you don’t feel like reading it, just remember this one important factoid…We can’t really multitask. At all. So, you’re way better off focusing your full attention on a task, one at a time. Also, we gotta be comfortable with being bored once in awhile- like, just try sitting at a red light without glancing at your phone or changing the radio. These little mental tricks will test your fortitude, and raise your ability to concentrate…

 

 

I am not the bragging type…but…

 I am making quite a living off my WordPress blog. Yes, friends of the interweb, you, yes, YOU, can quit your day job and watch the WordPress dollars flow right into your checking account. All it takes is a bit of hard work, you see! Don’t you want to be rich like me? Quit corporate America! Well, I suppose WordPress is a bit of a corporation, really…Look, there’s no time for your ponderin’ and questionin’ right now! I said STOP! Enough with your inquisitive mind! There’s no place for thought in today’s go go go world! DONT YOU WANT TO BE RICH? AND QUIT YOUR BORING JOB?!
I know what you’re thinking- ‘Julie (that is my name) how much DO you make from your WordPressing?
Well, for tax purposes, I cannot show you my, uh, paycheck. But, I can copy and paste my WordPress earnings below. Please, get ready. You might feel a rush of jealousy- this is normal. Do not worry too much about that normal human emotion. Perhaps you will feel like I don’t deserve the money- you are wrong. I deserve everything my heart desires. Anyway, here you go….Lemme count down..
1………
2….
3……. Are you gripped in anticipation?
4…..
5….Are you still reading this?! Wow..you ARE curious!
6……
7….Here we go…here we go…
8! LOOK BELOW FOR MY AMAZING WORDPRESS EARNINGS:
  • Total earnings$0.00
  • Total paid$0.00
  • Outstanding amount$0.00

deep work??

I have been reading a lot lately, but my writing has stalled….A LOT.

Where do you like to write? Do you write in silence? Do you write outside? Do you leave your house to write?

In the book Deep Work by Cal Newport, he says one of the best ways to write is to go somewhere away from yourself. He doesn’t word it like that. But..that’s how I interpret it.

So, go write in a place you’ve never been before. He uses JK Rowling as one example, she went to some fancy ass hotel to finish writing one of her Harry Potter books. I suppose I could go rent a cheap air b&b to write.

Would inspiration suddenly dawn on me?

When you write, do you have a bunch of tabs open? Do you have your phone next to you? Does your mind drift?

Cal Newport also talks about something called attention residue. 

I think it’s so important to know what that term is, so I put it in BOLD! BOOOOOLLDDD!

As humans, we cannot multi-task. That is a myth, disproven by modern neuroscience. Your brain is wired to concentrate on one task at a time. So, when we, say, start writing a wordpress blog,then quickly check our email, we leave little traces of attention residue floating around in our head from that last task.

So your brain is writing a wordpress, but that wordpress is being poked by your gmail inbox folder. Your WordPressing isn’t operating at fully capacity.

This concept is really interesting to me, and makes total sense. I have largely stopped checking my phone at work- I mean, I check it at breaks or when I have nothing to do…but I used to check every beep and boop that emanated from that addiction machine. Every time, I felt it was tougher to get back into the rhythm of working….

Because it IS harder to get back into the groove, when your brain is being pulled in too many different directions!

I feel more awake now. I read more, I concentrate better, I feel my confidence is up a bit (but, that’s always a struggle with me. ugh.)

So……I learned all this new stuff about my brain, now what? Where should I write? Or should I ease back into things, and just write a blog every day, even if I feel like I got nothin’ to say? I want to write a full length book, but about WHAT? I used to think I knew. I used to feel more connected to my writing. Then, I got all distracted.

I feel like I am starting to shed the layer of distraction and anxiety that has covered my brain. So, we’ll see…

 

PS I recommend reading Deep Work. Or view one of his talks on Youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZD7dXfdDPfg

 

 

why cant i write anymore?!?~??!

The creativity has been sucked out of my AGED SOUL.

 

I cannot write.

I cannot even type a sentence.

How did I just type that? I don’t even know- because I cannot write.

Nothing springs to mind when I sit down in front of my computer and think to myself, ‘time to write!’

time to write! maybe i’ll stop capitalizing. maybe that’ll pump up the creativity in the withered noggin.

Maybe I should stop calling my noggin withered, old, aged. Really, my brain is elastic, plasticity, elasticity, neuroplasticity, malleable, never static, never rigid..

 

..NEVER AGED. NEVER WITHERED. NEVER EVER OLD.

So, why am I dissing my brain? Part of my shtick, ya know? I’m just a simple elderly millenial, born on that damn cusp, or whatever.

But, back to my point. I can’t write.

I can’t even write about being an elderly millenial, born on the damn cusp, or whatever.

And if I can’t write about being a millenial, born on the damn cusp, or whatever, what CAN I write about?

cusp is a weird word. What if I just used it incorrectly? Sadly, there is no way for me to ever know if I used cusp incorrectly. Or you. We’ll just never know.

Anyway, I can’t write. I can’t think. I can’t. I just CAN’T.

Now, excuse me, I am on the cusp of a major breakthrough with figuring out how to make it rich by buying litecoin. #millenialproblem #amiamillenial? #iremembermadonna

 

here i am, thinking about how i am completely unable to do anything except think about how i can’t write anymore.

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