Freeform day 1

Every day, the thoughts rumble around in my head. I have been having trouble putting my thoughts (rumbles) to ‘written’ word. So, I will start free-forming. I’m just going to pontificate on a topic that happened to bounce around in my head on the particular day I have decided to type words onto a javascript-enabled web platform.

Today, a few rumblins’ rumbled in my head.

  1. Drugs
  2. Mugsy, my neighborhood dog from the 1990s.

Which topic seems more interesting to YOU, dear reader? If you even exist? Who is reading this?

Let’s talk about drugs. I have felt that we humans are not ‘allowed’ to ‘dive deep’ into our psyche unless we’re inebriated in some form. It feels socially acceptable to have ‘deep thoughts’ and ‘find the meaning of life’ if one’s brain is sufficiently pumped up with LSD or some equivalent mind-altering drug.  But if I felt I had some euphoric, mind-bending experience whilst entirely sober, you would likely raise an eyebrow. You might even raise someone else’s eyebrow, but ask permission first.

Why aren’t we allowed to have life-altering experiences when we are sober? Or…why don’t we allow ourselves to be in touch with our inner selves when we are sober?

I think we have been molded to conform. When we do drugs, we are allowed to temporarily break out of the conformity, and connect with ourselves. In every day life, you are expected to be sober. That is how we function. That is basically how we always functioned. I’m no historian, but I don’t know of any society that managed to outwit evolution whist completely stoned on some sort of drug…

I still feel we are not allowing ourselves to feel ‘connected’ to ourselves without the use of any drug.

I might just be nuts.

But if you really want to feel connected, you need to spend time with yourself. You have to drop the phone, and you have to lunge the ear phones and just BE with yourself. It’s spooky.

It’s been awhile since I’ve just let myself ‘be.’ One time, I walked around Boston by myself. It was a summer day. It was the first time in a long time that I spent time by myself. In a city, you can be surrounded by people and feel alone. But you can bypass that feeling by drowning out your thoughts with a cell phone or music in your ears. I just had myself. I felt a part of me change after that day. A shift in my head. Something changed about how I viewed myself. I let myself be alone with myself, and I was okay with myself.

Perhaps if I had dropped some acid, I would have been SUPER okay with myself.

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Transitory

Everything suddenly changes. Sometimes I forget that. Sometimes it feels like nothing is ever changing,and I think, NOTHING CHANGES! Then, something will happen. Suddenly. ABRUPTLY.

Half of my department at work has quit, or decided to retire, within a 2 month timespan.

My niece almost choked on a mint the other day. An hour earlier, my sister was talking about how her kids never choked on food. Then, her kid chokes on food.

Things happen, but it still feels hard for my brain to grasp that things will change. My brain seems to think, business as usual! I just read an article about a man who got diagnosed with cancer, and then died a day later. It’s not common for that to happen…but it happens. And anything can happen ‘just like that’ so why don’t I REALIZE it, and live sooooo fully?

I guess I can blame my evolutionary wiring. What good would it be if I ‘lived to the fullest’ as a 33 year old cavewoman who needed to help make sure the damn tribe gets fed everyday? Sorry, tribespeeps, I’m done with this hunting and gathering shit. I’m off to travel Europe and find myself! Hit me up on Facebook if ya wanna keep in touch!

Well, anyway. Life changes. But sometimes, you gotta make the ‘change’…And that’s been my mission the past year or so. I’ve forced myself to stop viewing myself as shy, even if I am ‘shy’ it barely fucking matters. I cant use that as a crutch. Shy people can do anything outgoing ppl do, they just feel..SHY…when they do it! And not forever. I was shy when I first joined my garden club at work..Hell, I felt so socially awkward. But eventually, the feelings went away. And I love the garden club. It’s been great, and changed my life. But I had to ‘change’ in order to get myself to even go.

I’ve also struggled to quit other things, but it gets easier. But sometimes I ‘relapse’ like, I really wanted to go on Facebook today and look up people from my distant past. It’s not like I am some all-wise, totes perfect humanoid. Shit can be tough. But I won’t beat myself up for a relapse. Just can’t make it part of my identity. I’m not someone who sits on Facebook all day and hurts my brain. I’m someone who maybe struggles with that, but it isn’t ME….Wow, CBT much?! Well, it’s true. I don’t really believe in a fixed personal identity anymore. We have fixed traits, I think, but all of our life experiences morph our brains so much, it is sort of nuts to think I’m 100% the same as ..even last year. Because last week, one of my coworkers didnt quit. Now she has. And it set off a bit of a ‘change’ at work, and for me, so now I am ‘changed’

Anyway, it’s Sunday, so I am feelin’ pensive, and wanted to write.

Oh, and my niece? She’s fine. my sister did the heimlich on her. Then I took a CPR course with my sister the next day. I’m certified in CPR for no real reason at all. It’s really great.

It annoys me..

It annoys me when I post a blog, and i get some ‘likes’ but the likers obviously didn’t read a word of what I wrote. Is that the state of writing today? Is it just so I’ll go to their blog, accidentally click on an ad, and generate some revenue for them?

Hmm..I should do an experiment. How many ‘likes’ can this entry garner? I will have to include a lot of weird, unrelated tags..like..

 

money

thoughts

bitcoin

kids

rant

trump

sex

friendship

So, how many ‘likes’ shall I receive? Well, time will tell! I’ll post this, and check it tonight. time to flee the internet and go to the museum.

(I’ll include ‘museum’ for a tag, too!)

 

I’ll also include that weird selfie I took of myself holding a low carb recipe book. #selfie

pizza.

I have rambled a lot about how much I hate social media. Well, I thought, damn, maybe I should ramble about something a bit uplifting, ya know?

 

And then I had nothing to write about.

Then, it dawned on me. I should write about pizza.

Three weeks later, and I still haven’t written a damn word about pizza…UNTIL NOW! Nothing is going to stop me! I’m challenging myself to WRITE without stopping, to let the memories fly out of my head and right onto this glowing computer screen that keeps me awake at night…Fucking addictive technology! Anyway, here it goes! Here it goes1

 

Pizza memories

by Julie elderly millenial LastName (you think I’m tellin’ you my last name?! That puts my high flying career in jeopardy if my blog is ever discovered.)

 

I’ve eaten pizza in Italy. It was thin crust, not too much sauce, not too much cheese, really fresh, nice basil, and paired with great wine.

I’ve eaten pizza at the supposedly best pizza shop in the North end of Boston. It was nice. I accidentally walked out without the pizza leftovers. that was over 10 years ago, and I hope someday I can forgive myself.

And I’ve made pizza. From scratch. The crust was way too thick. i didn’t roll the dough enough.

Of all these pizza memories, which is my favorite? Which makes me happiest? Which stands out the most in my weathered old noggin?

NONE OF THE ABOVE. My favorite pizza memory involves an extremely below average pizza place that I’m not sure even exists anymore. Little Caesar’s.

This pizza place is forever associated with my childhood. I partly blame their clever advertisement team (PIZZA PIZZA!) for lodging their damn slogan in my head. FOREVER. I am in my 30s. I havent stepped foot in a Little Caesars in 25 damn years. Hell, I am not sure I’ve even been within 30 miles of one. I’ve probably been a couple thousand miles above of a Little Caesars since the 90s. I’ve been in airplanes ‘n all. But i have not ordered, pretended to order, thought about ordering, or asked someone to order, a little C pizza since the first Clinton administration.

Little Caesar’s sticks in my weathered brain because of nostalgia. Fun memories. My dad would take me to pick up a sub par little caesar’s pepperoni pizza, and we’d go to Blockbuster and rent movies. It was the best time EVER. Nothing has compared. NOTHING! Not that fancy pizza in Rome, not that insanely thick pizza I made in 2009 when I was trying to be a chef, not the pizza in Boston’s North End.

Little Caesar’s crapo pizza is the best of all time.

A millenial without a facebook. can i live?

I deleted my Facebook account in September 2017. I mean, DELETED. It’s gone! Well, sort of. I can’t access it, but i’m sure overlord  Zuckerberg can crack it open. And I’m sure he does. my fake internet life was fascinating. I had a few fake marriages, a few fake children, a boatload  of selfies around age 26, then I morphed into Political & Angry, like everyone else, then I deleted myself.

I think social media is toxic. The cons outweigh the pros. so, I took all the social media apps off my phone. that helped cut back on the toxicity, but I still find myself checking Instagram smetimes, or Facebook, if someone sends me a link to something. I read Twitter, too, but why? None of these fucking websites make me feel good. Why do I keep looking at them?

For A LONG TIME, I was embarrassed to delete my Facebook, because people were judgmental about it, and I care what people think about me, probably too much. I’ve loosened up with old age (i’m 32 1/2!!) and eventually you realize, these people do not have your best interest in mind, anyway. If they did, they’d set aside their own biases, opinions, and thoughts, and say, ‘do what’s best for yourself, i support you!’ but that isn’t likely to happen, so just do YOU. do you, girlfriend! Now I sound like a really bad motivational poster in some woman’s cubicle.

(I can say that, because I am a woman)

anyway. I got to do me. and I want to go a step further this year. Deleting my accounts wasn’t easy, and I have DREAMS that I reactivate my Facebook..WHAT. that is how lodged the ol Facebook is in my cerebellum. Or my amygdala. Or something up in my brain.

So, this year, I’m done. I’m DONE!

No Twitter, No Facebook, No Instagram. AT ALL.

What are the rules, me?

RULES:

  1. No social media apps on your phone (already done)
  2. No typing in facebook.com or instagram.com in your duckduckgo search bar (i love duckduckgo.com)
  3. even if someone sends a link to instagram or FB, be honest, say that you dont use those websites. plus it’s usually just  a meme anyway. i doubt they’re linking me to some urgent legal matter that  i must address by 12 PM. If they had to send me an urgent legal matter, surely they’d TEXT me like a normal person (ugh)
  4. If the urge strikes to go on social media, pull up a knitting video, spanish video, or listen to music.
  5. if some dumbass tweet is embedded in a news story, dont click on it (what happened to journalism?)
  6. if you ‘relapse’ it’s okay, but get back on the wagon asap.

 

I shall document my progress. It will likely be interesting to no one, except myself. And you! Right? Thanks, you’re the sweetest. I appreciate it.

 

Okay, here it goes. Day…1. (Yea i know it’s january 6th……just pretend it’s january 1st.)

-julie

elderly millenial.

ps

to remind myself of my darkest days, i attached a selfie from 2012. this was my Selfie Era, and I was incredibly addicted to facebook.

I will blog more about why i am so against social media, as i go. and i will never tell anyone to stop using it, it is your life and you do YOU, as Oprah says. (I think she said that..) But much evidence is emerging that social media is toxic, and i think that is something we all need to be informed about…

(That was a LONG PS)

-julie (again)selfie