I am a humanoid

I still dont understand why everyone else hasnt had the same mental breakdown over smart phones like I did. This horrid moment of just realizing how stupid it is to stare at a screen all day like a zombie just so mark zuckerberg can get richer and build his bomb shelter to live in in the year 2050 whilst I live among my Robot Overlords.

Let us journey together to my life in 2050. I’ll be …uh… I guess 60 by then. I dunno. No. That’s some bad math. I’ll be over 60. Let’s leave it at that.

 

ME

2050

mood: currently uploading my consciousness to the Google cloud, but got distracted by Virtual Reality request by some person I met in the year 2020 in a Barnes & Noble store (RIP)

Alexa, I need 10 dollars for food.

Sorry, Humanoid, You have surpassed your allowance for this week. Now, get back to staring at your screen like a good girl.

ALEXA, screw you! Give me money! I deserve a damn beer! I’m so BORED in this stupid boring robot commune with you! I regret uploading my consciousness to the cloud! Get me outta here!

Sorry, humanoid. You have surpassed your complaining quota for the day. Now, get back to staring at your screen like a good girl.

ALEXA…..Oh, forget it. Well, can I still level up in Candy Crush today?

Yes, yes you may.

 

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Capitalism and the free market

I have wondered why we structure work the way we do- Why is it so hierarchical? Why are the rules so rigid? Why is productivity the goal, but not employee satisfaction. It’s a lot to do with the industrial revolution, and a thinker named Adam Smith. Well, people misinterpreted what he said. He said, in a quote, that people are lazy and only want money. (This is obv not verbatim because people in the 1800s didnt talk like we do, LOL)

But if you keep reading his stuff, he says, ‘A man changes once he enters a factory and works there for a long time. He is more dead inside.’ not verbatim again. But that second part doesn’t add up with his first quote. Which is it? Are we lazy? Or do workplaces change us, make us ‘dead’ inside.’?

After his writings, the free market, capitalistic driven way of life in America took off, we stopped working on farms and within family units and left for factories and cities. The work was repetitive and unrewarding. Bosses thought …that’s fine. People dont want to be here, anyway. So just churn stuff out and give ’em a paycheck.

That model is still alive today. Some companies have realized that model is broken and false- Humans ARE workers. We evolved this way. We wouldnt have made it this far in our evolution if we didn’t get some satisfaction out of work..but what KIND of work? Meaningful work.

People shit on the past a lot. We think our era is the best, no questions, case closed. A lot of stuff is CLEARLY better about today than yesterday. But some stuff is broken. Like how we approach our work. You have to feel like the job matters- It does not matter what job it is. It could be a job at Mcdonalds, or a job at a fancy ass law firm. If the job just feels pointless, your life will feel pointless, and that isn’t how a human functions. In caveman days, you were given a job automatically. To take care of each other, to help survive. Now you are very independent. Now it is up to you to figure out your role, your meaning. And to find a company that shares that vision.

I work for a company that always has interesting stuff going on for their employees- well, i’m a contractor..but I still get to do all the stuff. They offer a garden club, softball league, computer classes, and they’re even starting a pilot program where they bring a dental office to you..like a pop up dental clinic ?! It’s not just a stuffy, cold climate. So the employees like being there. And they want to work better for the company because they feel the company cares about them.

Anyway. Capitalism is weird, I guess. I used to be super against the idea of a basic living wage. I’m not super against it anymore, I just dont know how it would work from a monetary standpoint. Would all the rich people support us? That seems scary as hell, like I would lose all my autonomy.. So why leap to that. Why not improve our workplaces, today, while we still have them.

 

 

‘You’ll regret having worked so much’

Lately, I’ve been thinking about something called the deathbed fallacy- The idea that you will have all these regrets whilst you’re dying, so you better act NOW, to avoid the regrets.

It’s fallacious because the person you will be when you’re dying isn’t the person you are today. I’ll use myself for an example.

Let’s pretend I am dying today. I COULD die today, but it’s pretty unlikely.. I left the house this morning, so I could’ve been creamed by a stupid ass Massachusetts driver, but that didn’t happen. Anyway, so, I’m dying…

I regret soooo much! Oh gawd! I better go back to 2013 and tell 27 year old me to NOT move to Boston because that failed miserably! I didn’t even finish college like I planned to! Oh, if only I had done things differently. Who knows what wonderful things could’ve happened if only I hadn’t cared so much what people thought of me back then?

And, today is father’s day. Oh, I should’ve told my dad how I felt about him. That night in 2001, when my mom asked me if I wanted to stay up late and watch The Simpsons with him, I should’ve. But I didn’t, I was scared to be around a dying person. Now, here I am, years later…Oh, the regrets..

 

Ok, here’s the deal. I can’t regret any of that malarky because I was a different person back then, so what the hell is the point of me sitting here judging the past me? In 2001, I was a young goober with no life experience. Am I to sit here, all wise ‘n old, and judge that teenager? Why? That teen did what they felt was right at the time. They shouldn’t be judged by some judgy person on their death bed.

When I moved to Boston in 2013 to start a fresh new life, I really thought it was the best thing I was doing for myself. Now, I think it was ridiculous, a waste of money, and pointless. I really used to get warped by TVs, movies, and my peers, who tell you that the only way to ‘find yourself’ is to go live in some overpriced city and be hip and cool. The truth is that you can find yourself basically anywhere. You bring your head with you wherever you go. But in 2013 I was riddled with anxiety and I just wanted to get away.

It’s easy to be on my death bed and judge those actions, but I’m judging them as a different person. And what’s the point of that?

We judge workaholics. They should’ve not worked so much. Oh, they wasted their lives…

But it is quite easy to wish you hadnt worked so hard, when you have no time left. It is the only reasonable response..Because you have no time left anyway. but with a ‘life’ ahead of you, working hard makes ‘sense.’ So, it makes no sense to judge ourselves in this manner, if you ask me.

Well, anyway. I no longer live my life thinking about my damn deathbed. My idea of the ‘self’ has morphed over time, anyway, since I’ve had a few rather big life changing events. My dad passing away, and my failed move to the city, changed me pretty profoundly. I have a lot of respect for people who try new things even if they wind up failing. And I hope they don’t think, on their death beds, ‘oh, if only I didn’t do this or that thing.’ We’re all doing the best we can in this moment.

I guess this sort of ties into some meditation and buddhist thought- that all you really have is this moment. The person you are today isn’t the person you were even last month, or two months from now. Like, if I get some horrible disease next year, it’s going to change how I view life. Well, anyway.  Here’s me smiling, not thinking about some future version of myself…(Just kidding, I think about the future A LOT. Hypocrite alert!!!)

 

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I am not the bragging type…but…

 I am making quite a living off my WordPress blog. Yes, friends of the interweb, you, yes, YOU, can quit your day job and watch the WordPress dollars flow right into your checking account. All it takes is a bit of hard work, you see! Don’t you want to be rich like me? Quit corporate America! Well, I suppose WordPress is a bit of a corporation, really…Look, there’s no time for your ponderin’ and questionin’ right now! I said STOP! Enough with your inquisitive mind! There’s no place for thought in today’s go go go world! DONT YOU WANT TO BE RICH? AND QUIT YOUR BORING JOB?!
I know what you’re thinking- ‘Julie (that is my name) how much DO you make from your WordPressing?
Well, for tax purposes, I cannot show you my, uh, paycheck. But, I can copy and paste my WordPress earnings below. Please, get ready. You might feel a rush of jealousy- this is normal. Do not worry too much about that normal human emotion. Perhaps you will feel like I don’t deserve the money- you are wrong. I deserve everything my heart desires. Anyway, here you go….Lemme count down..
1………
2….
3……. Are you gripped in anticipation?
4…..
5….Are you still reading this?! Wow..you ARE curious!
6……
7….Here we go…here we go…
8! LOOK BELOW FOR MY AMAZING WORDPRESS EARNINGS:
  • Total earnings$0.00
  • Total paid$0.00
  • Outstanding amount$0.00

i guess i got over my addiction

I never blog much anymore. I want to. But I also have enjoyed not using much of the internet lately. I needed a damn break. And it’s barely a break- I am in front of a computer all day at work, using the internet. Occasionally I listen to a podcast, but I’ve listened to podcasts a lot less often lately, ever since I read Cal Newport’s book Deep Work. I recommended that book to anyone who wants to know what it feels like to have an attention span again. Ya know, since Google and Facebook took away our attention spans sometime in the second Bush administration…Bush Jr, duhhhh! The first one only had one presidential term! How do I know? Well, Amazon Echo told me, duh! ALEXA, how many calories in 444454456456 tootsie roll pops?! Tell me, and I shall promptly discard the useless info from my brain! And typing into a phone is so 2017, ewww!

What was I saying? See, freakin’ internet! I can’t even BLOG for a paragraph without being distra- oh my GOD! Aunt Gertie just retweeted THE most racist thing ever on Facebook. Lemme just give her a piece of my mind….Okay, I’m back. Oh, God, my mom just snap chatted me and sent me a snap of herself with the caption HOW CAN YOU TALK TO YOUR AUNT THAT WAY?

Ughhh, moms! They sure ruined snapchat, am I right?!!? Oh, hold on a sec, my Amazon Echo fell off the table, and Amazon just emailed me to make sure I am still alive, since they can’t hear anymore noise from my house. They’re so sweet!

Okay, I’m off!

 

my father was right

He hated how much time I spent alone in front of my computer screen. Of course, as you know, I am an old ass millenial, so I was using the internet back in the late 90s, when all you really could do was go into chatrooms…But I was hooked on the internet the second it entered my brother’s room. Why did HE get the computer?! Eventually, it moved downstairs to the living room, but..anyway. I would spend all my free time on AOL, tying up our phone line, and chatting with strangers in weird chat rooms. I loved to go into the Investment Chat and talk to adults. I’d just troll them and say dumb shit. They ignored me. Maybe they blocked me. My dad told me to get offline and go outside. He liked doing gardening and reading books. He liked learning things. He liked running. He died before smart phones, and even long before social media. i like to imagine that if he were alive today, he’d just have some dummy Facebook account to appease the masses. Like what I tried to do for awhile, before I just went off my rocker and deleted all my social media (which turned out to be the most liberating thing I’ve done in a long time, but it was sure hard to explain to people. Then you stop caring. The world goes on and honestly, people stop asking. Sometimes they get a little jealous that you escaped the beast. Sometimes they think you’re crazy. 100% of the time, it doesn’t matter what they think. I wish it were easier to not care what people thought of what I did. It’s getting a little easier with age, because I start to realize….my dad was right about a lot of things, things I am realizing with age. I’ll probably outlive him. I’m probably going to live to 41. Maybe I miss him because I feel like maybe he’d ‘get’ me. But maybe if he lived longer, he’d also understand a bit of my internet addiction back in those days. I found so many ‘soulmates’ online. It was back when the social misfits used the internet, not the normal people, so I made a lot of friends. Hell, the internet was my safe space. But then I wonder, was I really such the social misfit I thought I was? Was I really sooooo different, and incapable of making real life connections? The internet shut me off from the real world in a pretty profound way. It took years to learn how to really socialize. But now I talk to people and they have convos with me while they stare into a mini internet device.

My cell phone battery lasts for days now. I then realized it’s because i barely use the cell phone anymore. I am the girl who used to tie up the phone line for hours. Now I’m the girl who wants nothing to do with carrying the internet with me 24/7.

I like checking the internet here and there. I like watching youtube videos to learn Spanish. I like how I can buy stock online from home. I hate thinking that in 5 years my nieces will be glued to Iphones.

I wish I could show my dad the garden I grew last year, and maybe he’d grow one with me. It’s weird that you never really stop missing people. Life is a weird thing.

It annoys me..

It annoys me when I post a blog, and i get some ‘likes’ but the likers obviously didn’t read a word of what I wrote. Is that the state of writing today? Is it just so I’ll go to their blog, accidentally click on an ad, and generate some revenue for them?

Hmm..I should do an experiment. How many ‘likes’ can this entry garner? I will have to include a lot of weird, unrelated tags..like..

 

money

thoughts

bitcoin

kids

rant

trump

sex

friendship

So, how many ‘likes’ shall I receive? Well, time will tell! I’ll post this, and check it tonight. time to flee the internet and go to the museum.

(I’ll include ‘museum’ for a tag, too!)

 

I’ll also include that weird selfie I took of myself holding a low carb recipe book. #selfie

Millenial confessional: I eat bread

I tried being a low carber last year. I was super into it. You see that picture of me HAPPILY (that’s my smile..) holding a low carb recipe book? Yep. I was all, ‘listen, guys, bread is bad. Stop eating it!’ I’d secretly try to avoid eating the pasta in dishes at my sister’s house. She asked me if I had another eating disorder. You see, like most teen girls at the turn of the century, I thought I was overweight and needed to get thin ASAP. I was always on some weird ass diet. I remember once trying Atkins in 2002, after my uncle told me all the amazing(ly gross) things I could eat.

Cheese (which I love)

meat (not so much)

and that’s it.

This was not what Dr. Atkins himself actually endorsed. Well, he’d say you should, you know, eat some fucking vegetables, too, But the Atkins diet got all warped and fucked up by the media and people trying to make a buck, so you’d even see things like…LOW CARB BREAD….Atkins low carb BREAD! That boggles my mind as much as low fat ice cream.

 

ice cream is fat.

bread is carb.

what the fuck is low carb bread?!

Anyway, my low carb diet didn’t last long. It was tough, but the thing is, I think we’d all be better off eating low carb.

maybe I’ll return to it. maybe I don’t know how to find a good balance. I get super intense, and sometimes, that’s a hindrance. Like, at what point does an eating lifestyle become a bit maladjusted? Did I really need to swear off bread forever? We know the shit is addictive, we know potato chips and cookies are bad, and the marketing is aimed at children, and we all know soda is like pouring spoonfuls of sugar directly into your bloodstream….

but can we find a balance with junk food?

Or should we avoid it, like we avoid cigarettes?

I know I feel better when I eat more veggies. But I also love a good piece of dark chocolate, or a peanut butter cup, or a piece of cake at a wedding.

And i also know sugar is similar to a drug, the way it interacts with your brain and pleasure centers.

What’s a poor ol elderly millenial to do?!

 

From the desk of judy roberts

‘Hello? HELLO!? INTERNET?! Are you there?!! Siri, this is Judy Roberts. Siri, pull up the internet! I command you!’

‘Hello internet user JUDY ROBERTS. In order to use Siri, please swipe your debit card. Each Siri command will cost 5 bitcoins.’

‘WHAT?! WHAT?!’ WHAT?!’

‘Mom, are you okay?!’

My darling son, Horbert Jr, found me face first on my Ipad, gasping, clutching my pearls (i had my smart phone in my left hand and I was clutching my virtual pearls in Candy Crush) and moaning ‘nooo, net neturality, nooo’ to myself.

You see, today, the internet.com has changed forever. I was informed by DRUMPF_fackoff on Youtube (Is Drumph a Scottish last name?) that the FCC decided to kill the internet. I got a bit worried, and wondered if I played a role in the internet’s death. You see, i have a dark confession to make. And I just pray that you reserve your judgment. Only God can judge me, you see! And my swath of loving Facebook friends. All 540 of them love me deeply, but YOU, dear reader, have NOT accepted my friend request. Yes, you think I dont NOTICE?! You think I don’t  NOTICE the ‘friend request’ pending message every time I load up my internet and go on facebook.com?! You..you…you….ahem. Excuse me. What was I saying? Oh, right, I was telling you how I single-handedly repealed net neutrality via my devious internet actions.

Friends, I strive to be a loving, law abiding citizen, but you people are nuts today, and I simply must get my thoughts out there. I cant simply co-exist with you loonbags and NOT load up my Ipad and spew my vitriol on Youtube, Facebook, Snapchat (I use a cute doggie face filter during my political rants, so the kiddies can watch too) Twitter, Cnn.com, and my mother-in-law’s email account. Yes, I am not afraid to tell my mother in law how I feel about her Obama 2008 sign that is STILL rotting away on her front lawn. Get with the times, Agnes!

But anyway. As you may know, my husband, Rannie Bob, is rarely home. He is unlike typical men, you see. My Rannie Bob loves to work, work, work, work…and well, work. So, he is rarely home, and I am left to my own..devices. LITERALLY! HAHA! I gather up my:

Ipad

Iphone

Ipod

Iwatch

Eyeballs

and Idog (I am allergic to dog fur, it makes me break out in feminist thought)

and I hit my basement for hours and hours of

Debating with strangers

Debating with my grandmother

debating with your grandmother

debating with a guy named Farts_MGTOW on Youtube

Posting political memes on Pinterest

Sending mass emails to my son’s school administrative leaders, calling them Libtards

Watching endless amounts of Alex Jones videos, then getting confused and watching endless amounts of CNN videos, and then accidentally deleting Internet Explorer somehow and then wondering how I even got internet explorer on my Ipad. Is this an Ipad? Horbie, did you lie to me?! Is this a knock off?!! Is it from CHINA?! What do you mean all electronics are made in China? ARE YOU A COMMIE, MY SON?

And, well, you see, I have my fingers in all corners of the internet. And one day, yesterday, at approximately 3:30 AM, my hand vibrated.

‘Goodness, that’s my cell phone hand. Who could be tweeting me at this house?’ I typed to myself in my other hand (My tablet hand)

 

MGTOW_TRUMP_ALTRIGHT_DANKMEME2018: @Judy_saves_america, bitch, you are the reason the internet is a shithole now. If the world ends tomorrow, it is your fault.

I dropped my phone and my tablet in shock. Is what this man wrote…true?

‘Would MGTOW_TRUMP_ALTRIGHT_DANKMEME2018 ever lie to me?’ I asked my reflection in my phone’s selfie mode.

‘No, no, he wouldn’t’ My amazon echo chirped from the corner.

‘SHIT! Then I better go on the down low for a while, get off the internet, you know? Listen, Amazon Echo, tell Horbie I’ve got to go into hiding for a bit? Okay?’

I turned off my phone. And my tablet. And I sat in my room.  Horbie was in his room too, but we haven’t actually spoken verbally since the Iphone X came out with their new telepathic-talk mode.

After a grueling 2 hours, I logged back in.

And discovered…today….

The FCC got sick of my shenanigans. and they are ending net neutrality.

I am sorry, friends. I hope you find it in your emojis to forgive me. I never meant to hurt you. I just hope someday you’ll forgive me…..AND ACCEPT MY FRIEND REQUEST ON FACEBOOK!

what i learned from gardening

Growing vegetables, much like growing as a person, requires patience. It is harder and harder to be patient in a smart phone society. We are now conditioned to expect instant results. Instant texts, instant romantic interests, instant hilarious videos, instant food, and instant cab service.

I am not here to say that all of these things are bad. But, I am here to say that our attention spans are being zapped away, little by little, and each new IPhone model brings new concerns for the state of our mental health. In fact, for the first time in human history, I believe we have to actively WORK to maintain our peace of mind. The days of being able to just leave your house for a day and not worry about being ‘disconnected’ are over. Your life is now controlled, and it is up to you to step outside of the control and craft a life with some moments of respite.

So, that’s why mindfulness is on the rise. Who even knew what such a thing was, besides buddhists and gurus, until fairly recently? You didnt have to work to achieve mindfulness, until the rise of cinema, advertisements, and now, the internet and cell phones. We can use the internet and cell phones to our advantage, but left unchecked, these devices take over our lives, to the point where you can’t even have a dinner with your friend without checking who posted something new on snapchat within the last 20 minutes.

This isnt good. Our attention spans are important, and if we lose our attention spans, we lose control. When you lose control, you’re easily controlled, and your life isn’t yours anymore.

Ideally, we would only use the internet on actual computers, because carrying around a computer with you everywhere is just a recipe for obsession. But, that isnt the reality. Even if everyone secretly wishes for some aspect of the old days, where you could just go out and not worry about your phone, or not be available to everyone 24/7, those days are gone.

But we can still stay present, and practice patience, mindfulness, and self awareness. But you have to be ready to fight a tough fight, because all of the forces are against you. Its in their best interest to keep you glued to your internet device. Hey, it’s business. I get it. but tell me the last time marketing and big business had your mental health in mind? Go read about how they convinced women to start smoking. They appeal to emotion. insecurities. not facts. not logic.

One way i have fought this fight is by getting into gardening. Gardening requires A LOT of patience, hard work, and truly caring for the task. you can’t just plant a seed and walk away, staring at the ground, stomping your foot, wondering why it’s taking so damn long. The seed is planted. If the soil is right, and you water it appropriately, and WAIT, then within a week or so, you’ll see the seed start to sprout.

Then, you have to wait longer, keep watering, keep an eye out for pests, and basically have a good amount of hope. And passion. you have to want this seed to grow into a plant. you have to hope the plant bears fruit, and you have to have a lot of patience.

Finally, months pass. And if all went well, if you took care of the plant, if you were patient, you get the reward. lettuce, tomatoes, whatever it was you grew. But it took awhile. Because sometimes in life, a lot of times in life, you need to be patient.

You cant change a habit overnight

you cant find your dream life overnight

you cant grow kale overnight

and you cant expect instant results.

Do we stop swiping right, do we stop ordering our food online, and all the insta-things we do now? I don’t know. As society progresses, we’ll collectively look back on today, and come to our mass conclusion, like we did with cigarettes, soda, rampant unprotected sex, and the other similar vices and addicting things of our past. But for now, just do your best to remain sane, and mindful, and patient.