You haven’t written anything yet!

Hello,

This is you. I am writing to inform you that you have not written anything yet. You worry yourself. Why aren’t you writing lately? You used to love to write. You would often tell yourself that writing was your passion, your gift, your calling. You feel that perhaps you were wrong, or that you just went in a different direction in life. Or, perhaps, life went in a different direction. You feel you cannot relate to the world anymore. You wanted to write for a newspaper. Now, you don’t like to read the news at all. You feel the news must be click-bait, above all, and that is not true news. That is internet bullshit.

You are not a writer. You are a person on the internet who actually paid WordPress for a personal web address for a year. You thought, maybe you’ll make a few dollars off ad revenue. You felt slightly odd about that, because you feel ads are one of the things that is very wrong about the internet. However, you are still merely a human, and you dream about having a ‘side hustle.’ And, what would be your side hustle? Writing a blog! Of course!

You made zero dollars. You cancelled your WordPress plan.

Sometimes you write  a blog entry on Sunday afternoons. You use a few ‘tags’ so bots and other bloggers will ‘like’ your post. You wish they would actually read your blog. Sometimes they do. The bots do not. The bots are taking over the internet.

You miss the internet from 1999. You are out of touch. You are not evolving with the times. You need a new phone. You need a hug. You need to exercise more. You need some validation. You aren’t getting it from you. You will not fill your head with false ideas.

Perhaps you were not meant to be a blog writer. Perhaps you need to accept this fact.

You know, I always found you to be someone I can’t forget. You know, maybe it’s because…well….

I AM YOU!

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I am a humanoid

I still dont understand why everyone else hasnt had the same mental breakdown over smart phones like I did. This horrid moment of just realizing how stupid it is to stare at a screen all day like a zombie just so mark zuckerberg can get richer and build his bomb shelter to live in in the year 2050 whilst I live among my Robot Overlords.

Let us journey together to my life in 2050. I’ll be …uh… I guess 60 by then. I dunno. No. That’s some bad math. I’ll be over 60. Let’s leave it at that.

 

ME

2050

mood: currently uploading my consciousness to the Google cloud, but got distracted by Virtual Reality request by some person I met in the year 2020 in a Barnes & Noble store (RIP)

Alexa, I need 10 dollars for food.

Sorry, Humanoid, You have surpassed your allowance for this week. Now, get back to staring at your screen like a good girl.

ALEXA, screw you! Give me money! I deserve a damn beer! I’m so BORED in this stupid boring robot commune with you! I regret uploading my consciousness to the cloud! Get me outta here!

Sorry, humanoid. You have surpassed your complaining quota for the day. Now, get back to staring at your screen like a good girl.

ALEXA…..Oh, forget it. Well, can I still level up in Candy Crush today?

Yes, yes you may.

 

‘You’ll regret having worked so much’

Lately, I’ve been thinking about something called the deathbed fallacy- The idea that you will have all these regrets whilst you’re dying, so you better act NOW, to avoid the regrets.

It’s fallacious because the person you will be when you’re dying isn’t the person you are today. I’ll use myself for an example.

Let’s pretend I am dying today. I COULD die today, but it’s pretty unlikely.. I left the house this morning, so I could’ve been creamed by a stupid ass Massachusetts driver, but that didn’t happen. Anyway, so, I’m dying…

I regret soooo much! Oh gawd! I better go back to 2013 and tell 27 year old me to NOT move to Boston because that failed miserably! I didn’t even finish college like I planned to! Oh, if only I had done things differently. Who knows what wonderful things could’ve happened if only I hadn’t cared so much what people thought of me back then?

And, today is father’s day. Oh, I should’ve told my dad how I felt about him. That night in 2001, when my mom asked me if I wanted to stay up late and watch The Simpsons with him, I should’ve. But I didn’t, I was scared to be around a dying person. Now, here I am, years later…Oh, the regrets..

 

Ok, here’s the deal. I can’t regret any of that malarky because I was a different person back then, so what the hell is the point of me sitting here judging the past me? In 2001, I was a young goober with no life experience. Am I to sit here, all wise ‘n old, and judge that teenager? Why? That teen did what they felt was right at the time. They shouldn’t be judged by some judgy person on their death bed.

When I moved to Boston in 2013 to start a fresh new life, I really thought it was the best thing I was doing for myself. Now, I think it was ridiculous, a waste of money, and pointless. I really used to get warped by TVs, movies, and my peers, who tell you that the only way to ‘find yourself’ is to go live in some overpriced city and be hip and cool. The truth is that you can find yourself basically anywhere. You bring your head with you wherever you go. But in 2013 I was riddled with anxiety and I just wanted to get away.

It’s easy to be on my death bed and judge those actions, but I’m judging them as a different person. And what’s the point of that?

We judge workaholics. They should’ve not worked so much. Oh, they wasted their lives…

But it is quite easy to wish you hadnt worked so hard, when you have no time left. It is the only reasonable response..Because you have no time left anyway. but with a ‘life’ ahead of you, working hard makes ‘sense.’ So, it makes no sense to judge ourselves in this manner, if you ask me.

Well, anyway. I no longer live my life thinking about my damn deathbed. My idea of the ‘self’ has morphed over time, anyway, since I’ve had a few rather big life changing events. My dad passing away, and my failed move to the city, changed me pretty profoundly. I have a lot of respect for people who try new things even if they wind up failing. And I hope they don’t think, on their death beds, ‘oh, if only I didn’t do this or that thing.’ We’re all doing the best we can in this moment.

I guess this sort of ties into some meditation and buddhist thought- that all you really have is this moment. The person you are today isn’t the person you were even last month, or two months from now. Like, if I get some horrible disease next year, it’s going to change how I view life. Well, anyway.  Here’s me smiling, not thinking about some future version of myself…(Just kidding, I think about the future A LOT. Hypocrite alert!!!)

 

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I am not the bragging type…but…

 I am making quite a living off my WordPress blog. Yes, friends of the interweb, you, yes, YOU, can start a blog and watch the WordPress dollars flow right into your checking account. All it takes is a bit of hard work, you see! Don’t you want to be rich like me? Don’t you want a SIDE HUSTLE? What do you mean you don’t? YOU NEED A SIDE HUSTLE.
I know what you’re thinking- ‘Julie (that is my name) how much DO you make from your WordPressing?
Well, for tax purposes, I cannot show you my, uh, paycheck. But, I can copy and paste my WordPress earnings below. Please, get ready. You might feel a rush of jealousy- this is normal. Do not worry too much about that normal human emotion. Perhaps you will feel like I don’t deserve the money- you are wrong. I deserve everything my heart desires. Anyway, here you go….Lemme count down..
1………
2….
3……. Are you gripped in anticipation?
4…..
5….Are you still reading this?! Wow..you ARE curious!
6……
7….Here we go…here we go…
8! LOOK BELOW FOR MY AMAZING WORDPRESS EARNINGS:
  • Total earnings$0.00
  • Total paid$0.00
  • Outstanding amount$0.00

i guess i got over my addiction

I never blog much anymore. I want to. But I also have enjoyed not using much of the internet lately. I needed a damn break. And it’s barely a break- I am in front of a computer all day at work, using the internet. Occasionally I listen to a podcast, but I’ve listened to podcasts a lot less often lately, ever since I read Cal Newport’s book Deep Work. I recommended that book to anyone who wants to know what it feels like to have an attention span again. Ya know, since Google and Facebook took away our attention spans sometime in the second Bush administration…Bush Jr, duhhhh! The first one only had one presidential term! How do I know? Well, Amazon Echo told me, duh! ALEXA, how many calories in 444454456456 tootsie roll pops?! Tell me, and I shall promptly discard the useless info from my brain! And typing into a phone is so 2017, ewww!

What was I saying? See, freakin’ internet! I can’t even BLOG for a paragraph without being distra- oh my GOD! Aunt Gertie just retweeted THE most racist thing ever on Facebook. Lemme just give her a piece of my mind….Okay, I’m back. Oh, God, my mom just snap chatted me and sent me a snap of herself with the caption HOW CAN YOU TALK TO YOUR AUNT THAT WAY?

Ughhh, moms! They sure ruined snapchat, am I right?!!? Oh, hold on a sec, my Amazon Echo fell off the table, and Amazon just emailed me to make sure I am still alive, since they can’t hear anymore noise from my house. They’re so sweet!

Okay, I’m off!

 

my father was right

He hated how much time I spent alone in front of my computer screen. Of course, as you know, I am an old ass millenial, so I was using the internet back in the late 90s, when all you really could do was go into chatrooms…But I was hooked on the internet the second it entered my brother’s room. Why did HE get the computer?! Eventually, it moved downstairs to the living room, but..anyway. I would spend all my free time on AOL, tying up our phone line, and chatting with strangers in weird chat rooms. I loved to go into the Investment Chat and talk to adults. I’d just troll them and say dumb shit. They ignored me. Maybe they blocked me. My dad told me to get offline and go outside. He liked doing gardening and reading books. He liked learning things. He liked running. He died before smart phones, and even long before social media. i like to imagine that if he were alive today, he’d just have some dummy Facebook account to appease the masses. Like what I tried to do for awhile, before I just went off my rocker and deleted all my social media (which turned out to be the most liberating thing I’ve done in a long time, but it was sure hard to explain to people. Then you stop caring. The world goes on and honestly, people stop asking. Sometimes they get a little jealous that you escaped the beast. Sometimes they think you’re crazy. 100% of the time, it doesn’t matter what they think. I wish it were easier to not care what people thought of what I did. It’s getting a little easier with age, because I start to realize….my dad was right about a lot of things, things I am realizing with age. I’ll probably outlive him. I’m probably going to live to 41. Maybe I miss him because I feel like maybe he’d ‘get’ me. But maybe if he lived longer, he’d also understand a bit of my internet addiction back in those days. I found so many ‘soulmates’ online. It was back when the social misfits used the internet, not the normal people, so I made a lot of friends. Hell, the internet was my safe space. But then I wonder, was I really such the social misfit I thought I was? Was I really sooooo different, and incapable of making real life connections? The internet shut me off from the real world in a pretty profound way. It took years to learn how to really socialize. But now I talk to people and they have convos with me while they stare into a mini internet device.

My cell phone battery lasts for days now. I then realized it’s because i barely use the cell phone anymore. I am the girl who used to tie up the phone line for hours. Now I’m the girl who wants nothing to do with carrying the internet with me 24/7.

I like checking the internet here and there. I like watching youtube videos to learn Spanish. I like how I can buy stock online from home. I hate thinking that in 5 years my nieces will be glued to Iphones.

I wish I could show my dad the garden I grew last year, and maybe he’d grow one with me. It’s weird that you never really stop missing people. Life is a weird thing.