America 2040

Hello,

 

It’s me, Julie, or elderly millenial. I sure hate that term now. Just call me Agnes. Or Julie, since that’s my name….

I’m checking in from the year 2040! Wow, I can’t believe it, I’m typing on a blog again. In 2040, we don’t have physical laptops or smartphones. Our Tech Overlords lovingly implant microchips directly into our heads that beam our social media and text messages any time we press our Micro-Spots. My Micro-Spot is actually right below my nose..I’m embarrassed by that! I was totally wasted when I asked the robo-surgeon to implant it there, ugh!! Most people place their Micro-Spots on their favored ear lobe.

NOTE: in 2030, a wild rumor circulated around Facebook 2.0 that putting your Micro-Spot in your left ear meant you were a Trump supporter. Now, you might be wondering: Trump? In 2030? Now, I’m no math whiz, but he’d be at least 150 by then!

Well, you certainly are not a math whiz, but that’s okay, you don’t need to THINK or DO any mathy stuff in the future! Trump turned 83 years young in 2030, and he was still the darling dictator of America.com. (in 2028, the country was uploaded to Google’s cloud, so the activities of the inhabitants could be monitored. It’s about safety, ya know?! Definitely NOT about profits for our tech overlords. how dare you even let that THOUGHT enter your head! And what did I tell you about thinking?! It’s not necessary anymore! Let your robots and tech overlords do the icky thinkin’ for ya!

Now, anyway. The rumor about the left earlobe was just a vicious untrue LIE spread by 10 year old Ariana Grande Hofferbee via her group chat in Hologram Session 50B in Sector 5 of Google Cloud, Iowa city Iowa, USA.

These kids today! I mean, those kids of 2030! They were so unruly, always messing about in their holograms, never bothering to make sure their robots are properly given a good rub down with WD-40 every month! Even a robot needs a bath once in awhile. It is literally the ONLY chore these kiddos have to do, and they DONT do it. Some things never change, am I right, lameos from the year 2018? Do you people still, like, tweet and shit? LOL. (Yes, we still use LOL. But now it stands for Laughing Out Lilabytes) Lilabytes replaced terabytes. One lilabyte is equal to 50000 terabytes. So, we in the future can stream 10000000000000 episodes of The Simpsons (now in season 50) in as many hologram, cloud-enabled worlds as we want! Yes, we simply laugh when we look back at old videos (lol video!!) from 2018 on the Archived youtube hologram, located only in Idaho, for some reason….

Last week, I spent HOURS trapped in that damn hologram! I couldn’t stop watching cat videos from 2011. What is IT with your people and cat videos? Oh, we stopped keeping cats as pets. The robots kept shaving them. We couldn’t figure out how to fix the robo-glitch, so we just shipped all the cats to Australia. Since the great social media war of 2025, as you know, Australia lost BIG TIME and everyone had to leave, since they lost their WI FI access. And as you know, #givemewifioriammovingtocanadaiguess

Oh, wait, you don’t know that war happened yet…Oh dear. Well, I’ll tell you more about it later. …

So, you might be wondering what life is like in 2040, besides our Micro-Spots, endless amounts of streaming TV shows, and our new cloud-based reality.

Well, friend, I am here to tell you all about the future. Since 2040 is about 22 years in the future, you might even exist. I can’t tell you whether you will still exist, though. If I do, Mark Zuckerberg’s son, Overlord Mark Zuckerberg II, will deny me access to the best hologram in America.com, Orlando Florida! Forget DISNEY (which closed down in 2025 due to Mickey Mouse refusing to sell the business to Snapchat, so it could legally turn disneyworld into its latest Filter option)

Orlando is now the home of the ONLY Mcdonalds left in the entire cloud-based country! In 2031, all fast food was banned, which put 400 robots out of work. It was very sad for their robot families. However, a group of wild rebels re-created the Mcdonalds recipe in their kitchen, and opened an underground Mcdonald’s in Orlando. DO. NOT. TELL. ANYONE!

You promise?

Okay, thanks. Now, I will tell you lots more about the future, but…wait….Why is my microchip buzzing? Oh God, did you TELL someone about the Mcdonalds? DId you tell Zuckerburg II? That kid is a freakin’ tyrant! He’s going to shut off my candy privileges on Fridays! I better hid! I will hid under this antique pile of old smart phones my child, Horbie, uses as a fort! I will talk to you later…I HOPE

 

 

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Increase your blog traffic in zero easy steps

A kind visitor (?) to my blog said they could increase the traffic to my blog. How kind. I am utterly dubious.

This blog is now a symbol of my dying love for writing. Or is it?

This blog is a symbol of my inability to write.

I used to think I would become a writer. Now I don’t know what the hell to write about. A lot has changed since I aspired to write for the local paper. Look, it was 2003, keep your ‘omg does anyone even READ newspapers anymore?!’ jokes to yourself. Mostly because jokes making fun of the recent past are the easiest jokes to make.

Ipod? Okay, grandpa!

You want me to VIDEOTAPE you? Okay…grandma!

You want me to help you find your way back to your time machine, because you are a traveler from 1850 and you just spend some time on reddit and now you want to get the fuck back to your time, scurvy and all? Okay…..great great great grandpa!

Anyway, I think I made my point. Uh….Oh. Right. That I can’t write anymore.

I suspect that, perhaps, we just change over time, and there’s nothing we can do about it- Except complain incessantly to anyone who will listen.

Well, reader, that ‘anyone’ is you. Thank you kindly. Let me continue my whine.

I accepted that I won’t write anything groundbreaking or anything even ungroundbreaking. (i can invent words if I want)

But I haven’t fully accepted that sometimes I just don’t know what the hell to say anymore. How do you even poke fun at the world, like I used to? Everything is a parody now. Or is that a damn COP OUT? PERHAPS.

Or maybe I just haven’t found the THING to write about.

As you know, Julia Roberts Ate, Prayed, and Loved (she totes had sex with some guy) her way across India, Italy, and…..somewhere else. I dont have google.com, so I cant look it up for ya. Well, Julia Roberts is rich as fuck, unlike most broke ass Americans, so we simply do not have the luxury of quitting our jobs and eating copious pasta. I suppose we could quit our jobs and eat copious pasta in our homes, but that doesn’t sound like the good premise for a FEEL GOOD hollywood movie aimed at 25-45 year old women such as myself.

Perhaps I can write about my inability to write. My lack of imagination. My feeling that I just don’t have enough time anymore, except, really, I do. I found time to learn Spanish, to learn gardening, to run road races back in the day (and burn off my knee caps in the process, but that’s another story)

But this feeling of having nothing to write is a new feeling. I dont think it stems from depression, or sadness, or even from heartburn. Although, heartburn sure is annoying.

I suppose I am in a phase. Once, I had a low carb phase. I mean, low carb seems the way to go, but I sure as hell didn’t stick with it. The siren call of pizza was too much to resist. I do, however, have a delightful low carb book.

20170506_133050
beaming with pride whilst holding a low carb book. bread is the devil!

 

Another time, I had a pizza phase. And now, it is my ‘What the HELL do I write in my blog?’ phase!

It’s ok, my elders tell me, ‘it’s just a phase. You just haven’t met the right blog topic yet. ‘

 

 

am i a hipster?

I don’t think I fit the hipster mold…

 

…or do i?

I don’t live in Boston, Providence, Portland, or any of the cool new england cities. I live outside of boston, because damnit, rent is too high in the city! (And everywhere else in Massachusetts….)

But I love the neighborhood of Jamaica Plain, and you can’t get much more hipster than JP. I mean, I’m pretty sure that place once had a dog smoothie store. Or did I just make that up in my head? Those false memories will get ya every time. what if most of my memories are all false? I’m freaking out! Pass me the kombucha tea! I gotta get my gut flora back in tact!

Anyway, here’s some stuff I do that maybe is hipster-y,

I bring my own bag to the grocery store. It’s a cloth bag and i got it from some discount bakery in maine, so it says Tastykake on it. I find it kinda funny.

I recycle plastic bags, when I do use them. I bring them back to the supermarket. Did you know you can recycle your plastic bags at the supermarket? I bet you walk by the bin every time you walk in. why arent you earth-friendly like I am??!

I buy organic produce, and I even grew organic vegetables this year. Yep…I know how to grow kale. KALE! The hipster’s beloved veggie.

I buy organic cotton bras, socks, shirts, and, most of all, I buy organic cashew butter. THAT STUFF IS GREAT.

I don’t have an ironic haircut. But i think that’s the new ironic haircut. like, i will try to start the trend of, ‘it’s cool to have a hair salon phobia and only get a haircut once per year’

Oh, I’ve also cut my own hair, using a youtube tutorial. it’s real fun. I recommend everyone try cutting their own hair at least 10 times before they die.

no, not once. once isnt enough. you cant get good unless you practice, ya know?

oh, and the number one reason I might be hipster?

I randomly stopped capitalizing sentences in this blog.

What did I need to unlearn

This morning I looked at my books. I have Michael Pollan’s In Defense of Food. I bought this book around 2011, when I got into a bit of a health obsession, but not like my current obsession. I seemed to have completely glossed over his chapter on dietary fat. He talks about how the food pyramid led everyone astray, and the demonizing of fat led everyone to obesity. Why don’t I remember reading this chapter?

He also talks about how weight has a lot more to do with just ‘calories in, calories out.’ That’s actually a really simplistic model that treats humans more like robots than fleshy, complex mammals. Hormones play a role. Genetics. Your gut flora. We’re learning all this now. We’re still learning. But what should I unlearn about life?

stuff to unlearn:

Eggs are bad for you.

No, they’re not. And the yolk is the healthiest part.

Exercise will help you lose weight.

Yeah, except….what?! You’re probably already running on less energy because you’re crash dieting, and now you’re going to go peddle on a bike for 30 minutes and think you’ll be able to deal with the hunger pains all night…uh huh. makes sense. Exercise helps with mood, and health, for sure. But it’s one of the worst weight loss methods because….it makes you hungry!!!

I can’t do anything about my anxiety and depression, it’s in my genes.

I definitely believed this before I learned more about epigenetics and neuroscience. And we are just starting to actually understand how our brains work. Anxiety disorders are awful. And there is no one size fits all approach. much like diet. But I believe there is a ‘one size that can benefit all, but maybe not cure all’ method. LOL. how wordy is that? anyway, it’s really simple. Move around more, practice gratitude, learn a new skill, hug people more often, don’t dwell on your mistakes.

It’s not going to cure your depression, but it might. It really depends on your brain. But we aren’t stuck.

you are so quiet, you are so shy, you think too much, you’re too anxious, you need to accept technology, you need to chill out, you aren’t very driven, you are going to rot in a cubicle and you deserve it

My personality is basically a blob of all the traits other people have ascribed to me. What if for a year I did an experiment where I told myself I am fucking outgoing as SHIT and I love to interact with new people, and dance, and I am super emotionally resilient, and I can do whatever I want!

that’d be an interesting experiment.

buy a house. because of reasons blahblahblah

Home ownership worship bugs me. Especially in an increasingly fragile, rapidly changing economic and societal climate. We are so mobile now. We’re attached to mobile phones. We work remote. We get new jobs every 5 years before companies dont give raises anymore or value you. Plus, the slogan ‘renting is throwing your money down the toilet’ was literally created by realtors. it is a marketing term. like ‘I’m lovin’ it’ or ‘Bet you cant eat just one’ And when people say it, they’re just parroting it, they dont even THINK about what theyre saying.

And even if they do things like move every 5-10 years, they still believe it is better than renting. Because we never learned useful math in school. we learn…well, whatever they teach you. i never passed an algebra class. did i? I dunno. I remember taking pre-algebra. then i bombed algebra and they stuck me in some accounting class and that counted as a math credit.

Anyway, owning a house is a big responsibility. There’s many hidden costs. they arent even hidden. they’re just overlooked, because we are too busy thinking ‘well, renting was throwing my money down the toilet. what’s an HOA fee? what’s property tax? a new roof costs how much? when was the septic last updated? what do you mean there is mold in the bathroom? closing costs? the value of the neighborhood? how much do i have in savings, if i lose my job, how will i pay this mortgage? how much do i need to set aside for home fix ups, which will have, because it is a freaking home!!’

renting isnt a walk in the park either. you know what IS a walk in the park? a walk in the park. man, i should go for one. anyway..

Renting has downsides. For one thing, some of us dont WANT to move all the time. I think stability is important and having a stable living arrangement is key. Yet every year, I move to a new location. Eventually, I’d like to stay put somewhere for a long swath of time.

I just do not follow the ‘rent is throwing your money away’ lie. because truthfully, you can throw just as much money away whilst owning. you can take out home equity loans. you can buy a house that eats up 60% of your take home pay. you can go into foreclosure for a variety of reasons. you can have to move for a new job and lose money on closing costs and moving fees.

if i could buy a house in cash, i would do that. maybe.  right now, i think that makes the most sense of all. otherwise, i am not convinced that owning is some cash cow. but i do think a home is a great place to raise children. but i have zero children. so why do i need a house.

anyway.

i think i proved my point here. wait, what was my point