could I write a whole book about video stores?

It’s 2018 at the time of this writing. I just put Netflix on pause. Later today, I’m going to help my mom set up a Roku player so she can cancel her overpriced cable plan. We’re going to sign her up for Hulu, too.

I am oh-so modern. I am oh-so streaming. I am an internet-based TV-watching kinda person.

So, why do I miss video stores? Why does my heart ache when I look across the store at the HR Block, which used to house Blockbuster video? (RIP)

Well, this isn’t a luddite thing. My nostalgia for video stores is not based around the fact that technology advanced our movie watching choices beyond whatever was available at the video store at the time you strolled in.

I figure I miss video stores for a few reasons.

  1. Video stores were at the height of their popularity and prestige during my formative years. Have you ever noticed that life ZIPS by when you’re over 30, and memories formed after 30 just start to mush together? So, I figure, my memories are so strong and sentimental because I was a kid. And everything was new when I was a kid, because *I* was new to planet Earth. Now it’s all the same old stuff every day.
  2. video shopping is an experience. My dad would take me to the Video Store, and who knew what would happen. would my movie be available? would I wind up renting something old that dad said was a classic, so i simply MUST watch it! He seemed to think all black and white movies were classics, just based on the fact that they were old movies. Hm.. Anyway. I miss the experience of going out with my dad to a video store and picking movies out. I miss the experience of not always getting what I wanted. That might sound crazy, but it’s not. Netflix is endless choice. ENDLESS. Sometimes it’s so paralyzing, I just end up watching The Office for the 100th time. And not always getting what you want can open you up to other possibiliities. Sure, that New Release (How Stella Got Her Groove Back!) wasn’t available, but dad said this old-ass movie was a CLASSIC, so why not give THAT movie a chance?!
  3. I miss rewinding movies. Remember the sound the machine made? Anticipation! No, we can’t even stand to wait for Netflix to Buffer for a nanosecond. HURRY UP, NETFLIX, And buffer up this episode of Whatever Netflix Original I Am Watching Today. #binge!!!!
  4. I miss seeing which men would enter the beaded porno section at the independent store. I wondered if women ever wanted to enter, but women were not allowed to admit that they watched porn. Now we have internet porn, and you can desensitize your brain to even the most sadistic, f’d up porn in the universe. Go internet.com!

Ultimately, I believe I just miss that childhood experience. I just have a hard time believing that my nieces will fondly look back on the days of scrolling youtube videos on their tablets when they’re 30. But who the hell knows.

I plan to contemplate this nostalgic a bit more. Please, stay tuned! Be kind, rewind.

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Crapola is nothing new

My dad liked to save crap. So, I have a crappy newspaper from 1958. There is an actual HEADLINE titled ‘Molested’ and it’s about a girl who got..molested.And it includes her picture…WHAT THE HELL.

Another headline is all about Bing Crosby’s son getting hitched to a woman that Bing Crosby also dated….YEP….

There’s also a page devoted to Social Security Lottery. Is it your lucky day?! Maybe your social security number was entered into the lottery and uhhh…now you won!

Imagine that contest today, in the era of our personal information being sold everywhere at all times.  I’ve been told my whole life to not disclose my social security number all willy nilly. (Is that the expression? I’m pretending it is 1958 and I don’t have google..’

So, upon reading this paper, I realized…

People were probably not super duper classy in 1958.

,If you dont believe me, here are the photos.

 

These days, it would be more like, ‘I  didn’t tell dad I married, because he isn’t on Snapchat.’

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Is your social security number gonna win ya a bucket of cash?!

 

20180619_192316

UMM…what?

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Pretend it is 1993, and be full of joy.

Dear internet

I am a millenial, I think. My name is Julie, and I was born in 1985. According to Tumblr.com, I am somehow a millenial. This perplexes my aged soul, because I was born before the Berlin wall fell down, and I CLEARLY remember using a home phone, so how am I millenial?! Oh well, facts are facts. tumblr NEVER lies. It is basically the website where I get ALL my information about life.

I digress.

I’m here to give you some helpful tips on how to survive this crazy, internet-obsessed, Facebook loving world of 2017. Kids, circle around. I’m an old woman, and I’ve got some damn wisdom to share with ya.

PUT DOWN YOUR FUCKING PHONE,BOBBY! Could you go ONE minute without snap chatting?! Could you?! You freaking millenials! Oh, wait, I’m a millenial, too. Well, I’m an old millenial. Anyway.

The key to remaining happy and not exploding into a fit of rage is very simple.

 

Pretend it is 1993.

 

Every day, I try to set aside a few minutes to pretend it is 1993. Today, I drove home, and I didn’t ONCE pick up my phone at a red light and stare at it, hoping someone, anyone, had sent me a message. oh just anyone. Anyone out there? Hello? No messages?! No one likes me!?! no one cares?!?!! ahem…

It gives you clarity, and peace of mind, to take a drive to the market and not once check your phone.

Every day, I go for a walk without a cell phone.

Is anyone calling me? I mean, is anyone texting me? I mean, my phone is upstairs…shit. What if I am missing an important text?1 fuck! I am so irresponsible! I am …oh god, what if …I better go get my phone!

Every day, I sit by the ocean, and I listen to the calm waves, crashing, retreating, crashing. The seagulls flying by me, the cars swooshing by the boardwalk, the twinkling of the stars mesmerize me, the banter of kids eating outside at the clam shack……BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP….oh shit. A group text. Shit. I better check that, right? I mean, what if someone is…hurt, or something ? I mean, it is just rude for me not to look, right? Oh, I am being silly. I am enjoying this time to myself- bEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP.. wow, four messages? jeez, someone could be in the hospital or something! I have to look..I will look. this seems serious!

:opens text:

meme of cat with quote

meme of dog with quoute

meme of dog and cat with quote

meme of dog and cat and donald trump

FUCK MY LIFE.

 

It’s hopeless, friends. The past is over. The past is gone. BEEP BEEP BEEP