America 2040: ‘dating’

ALERT

Your tindar Mate needs attention

ALERT

Your Tindar Mate needs attention

ALERT-

ARGH! Ariana Grande Hoffman repeatedly pressed her Micro-Spot. She used to be able to shut off alerts with one press. Her Micro-Spot was 4 months old! ‘

planned obsolescence, you’re a real pain in the ass.’ She muttered to herself, while thinking about the piles of old Micro-Spots sitting in a junk drawer in the basement. Every few months she made plans to call an Ubero auto-car to haul the Micro-Spots to the recycling center, but then she’d get distracted by something playing on the Google Hologram channel. Such is life.

‘Press 4 to continue your Rendezvous. Press 5 to send back to Tindar’

Oh, crap! I totally forgot you were here! Hey, listen, last night was fun, but…I’m just not ready for a relationship-‘

‘Press 4 to continue your rendezvous. Press 5 to send back to Tindar.’

Ariana Grande Huffman pressed 5.

‘Thank you. an Ubero will arrive in 4 minutes. Please place your Tindar Mate in the car upon arrival. Thank you, and thank you for using Tindar.’

Ariana Grande Hoffman sighed. She had to place this thing IN the car? But it’s got LEGS, and ARMS. Can’t the thing walk itself to the car?

‘Listen, uhh…Tindar robot thingy. You’ve got legs. You’ve got some great hair too. I personally requested that you resemble old timey celebrity, Tom Cruise. My grandma showed me some old movies from the 1980s with Tom Cruise she downloaded into her Micro-spot-‘

‘Thank you for designing me to resemble your favored celebrity, Tom Cruise. I hope you enjoyed your time with me. Please assist me to the Ubero car. Please text 555 on your Micro-spot if you have any complaints or suggestions about your Tindar Mate experience. Thank you.’

‘you have LEGS. Walk YOURSELF. My grandma said that men walked themselves out of houses ALL the time! Why do I have to walk you to a damn Ubero?!’ Ariana Grande Hoffman’s blood pressure micro-chip set off her alert system.

‘Calm yourself, dear, your blood pressure is rising. Calm yourself, dear, your blood pressure is rising’ The soothing voice of her grandmother boomed throughout the house.

‘FINE. Come with me, stupid robot.’ Ariana Grande Hoffman grabbed her Tindar Mate by the arm and threw him into the Ubero. The robot weighed only 4 pounds, despite being 6’4 and resembling 1980s Tom Cruise.

Ariana Grande Hoffman walked back upstairs. Her home was silent. She felt very alone.

Her Micro-spot suddenly beeped 5 times.

Activate hologram mode, she said aloud.

‘Your friend, Janice, just finished watching your Tindar Mate experience. She is going to spend the rest of the day scrolling through Tindar Mates on her Micro-spot. Would you like to watch?’

‘Sure.’ Ariana Grande Hoffman muttered. She got back into bed and pressed her Micro-Spot.

 

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America 2040

Hello,

 

It’s me, Julie, or elderly millenial. I sure hate that term now. Just call me Agnes. Or Julie, since that’s my name….

I’m checking in from the year 2040! Wow, I can’t believe it, I’m typing on a blog again. In 2040, we don’t have physical laptops or smartphones. Our Tech Overlords lovingly implant microchips directly into our heads that beam our social media and text messages any time we press our Micro-Spots. My Micro-Spot is actually right below my nose..I’m embarrassed by that! I was totally wasted when I asked the robo-surgeon to implant it there, ugh!! Most people place their Micro-Spots on their favored ear lobe.

NOTE: in 2030, a wild rumor circulated around Facebook 2.0 that putting your Micro-Spot in your left ear meant you were a Trump supporter. Now, you might be wondering: Trump? In 2030? Now, I’m no math whiz, but he’d be at least 150 by then!

Well, you certainly are not a math whiz, but that’s okay, you don’t need to THINK or DO any mathy stuff in the future! Trump turned 83 years young in 2030, and he was still the darling dictator of America.com. (in 2028, the country was uploaded to Google’s cloud, so the activities of the inhabitants could be monitored. It’s about safety, ya know?! Definitely NOT about profits for our tech overlords. how dare you even let that THOUGHT enter your head! And what did I tell you about thinking?! It’s not necessary anymore! Let your robots and tech overlords do the icky thinkin’ for ya!

Now, anyway. The rumor about the left earlobe was just a vicious untrue LIE spread by 10 year old Ariana Grande Hofferbee via her group chat in Hologram Session 50B in Sector 5 of Google Cloud, Iowa city Iowa, USA.

These kids today! I mean, those kids of 2030! They were so unruly, always messing about in their holograms, never bothering to make sure their robots are properly given a good rub down with WD-40 every month! Even a robot needs a bath once in awhile. It is literally the ONLY chore these kiddos have to do, and they DONT do it. Some things never change, am I right, lameos from the year 2018? Do you people still, like, tweet and shit? LOL. (Yes, we still use LOL. But now it stands for Laughing Out Lilabytes) Lilabytes replaced terabytes. One lilabyte is equal to 50000 terabytes. So, we in the future can stream 10000000000000 episodes of The Simpsons (now in season 50) in as many hologram, cloud-enabled worlds as we want! Yes, we simply laugh when we look back at old videos (lol video!!) from 2018 on the Archived youtube hologram, located only in Idaho, for some reason….

Last week, I spent HOURS trapped in that damn hologram! I couldn’t stop watching cat videos from 2011. What is IT with your people and cat videos? Oh, we stopped keeping cats as pets. The robots kept shaving them. We couldn’t figure out how to fix the robo-glitch, so we just shipped all the cats to Australia. Since the great social media war of 2025, as you know, Australia lost BIG TIME and everyone had to leave, since they lost their WI FI access. And as you know, #givemewifioriammovingtocanadaiguess

Oh, wait, you don’t know that war happened yet…Oh dear. Well, I’ll tell you more about it later. …

So, you might be wondering what life is like in 2040, besides our Micro-Spots, endless amounts of streaming TV shows, and our new cloud-based reality.

Well, friend, I am here to tell you all about the future. Since 2040 is about 22 years in the future, you might even exist. I can’t tell you whether you will still exist, though. If I do, Mark Zuckerberg’s son, Overlord Mark Zuckerberg II, will deny me access to the best hologram in America.com, Orlando Florida! Forget DISNEY (which closed down in 2025 due to Mickey Mouse refusing to sell the business to Snapchat, so it could legally turn disneyworld into its latest Filter option)

Orlando is now the home of the ONLY Mcdonalds left in the entire cloud-based country! In 2031, all fast food was banned, which put 400 robots out of work. It was very sad for their robot families. However, a group of wild rebels re-created the Mcdonalds recipe in their kitchen, and opened an underground Mcdonald’s in Orlando. DO. NOT. TELL. ANYONE!

You promise?

Okay, thanks. Now, I will tell you lots more about the future, but…wait….Why is my microchip buzzing? Oh God, did you TELL someone about the Mcdonalds? DId you tell Zuckerburg II? That kid is a freakin’ tyrant! He’s going to shut off my candy privileges on Fridays! I better hid! I will hid under this antique pile of old smart phones my child, Horbie, uses as a fort! I will talk to you later…I HOPE

 

 

Dockless bikes annoy me.

Have you seen these things? Every day, I drive by the same Lime bike (TRADEMARKED!!!) sitting dormant on a street corner. Someone left it there last week, and it hasn’t moved.

I suppose those in wheelchairs should just ride on the side of the road. I mean, who cares about their safety, right? We’re talkin’ ’bout INNOVATION here! Get with the times, oldie! Dockless bikes are the wave of the future, and if you question them in any way, you just can’t accept the new, cool, fast paced world of today!

Well, I mean…the part where dockless bikes sit on a sidewalk for days and days is slow paced, but….uhh….Do you even know how fast that bike rider swippity swiped their phone against the bar code thingy on the phone and paid to ride that Lime bike (trademarked!!!!) ? SO FAST! Lighting speed!

But, as you know, we millenials have things TO DO! People to text, and apps to mindlessly scroll. We ain’t got no TIME to put a damn bike on a dock! So, we prefer to just leave our Lime bikes (trademarked by some dudes in silicon valley, I guess?) wherever we darn well please!

So, deal with it, mom pushing her baby carriage on the sidewalk! DEAL. WITH. THE FUTURE!

If you dare complain about Lime bike, you are certainly a luddite. I shall alert all of Twitter of your anti-progressive ways. #getoutof2017

In 2017, we docked our bikes. Sure, it kept the sidewalks clear of bikes strewn about. Sure…sure..but……

but….Did you know that Lime bike also has…scooters?! No one gives  a shit about scooters, true. But, suddenly, when you can rent a scooter via a mobile app, then leave it wherever the hell you want, suddenly…scooters are cool! Get on ya scooter, friend! Leave it on that old lady’s lawn when you’re done. She’s lame and old anyway. I hear she still docks her bikes. LAME.

Journalism in 2017.

is clickbait. Here are some nice clickbaity titles I made up, after reading all the clickbaity titles about the new freaking Iphone 35345345345. ugh!!!!

One of of 8 millenials has this problem, and doctors finally have a cure! It’s right in between this photo slideshow on this ad-infested website! Click, my friends, click!

Yes, the new IPhone X is worth 1,000 dollars. In fact, it’s worth about 4,500 dollars. you can’t prove me wrong, since Apple just made up this 1,000 dollar figure anyway. We could tell you the I phone is worth 4,000 dollars, hire a bunch of writers to write articles about why it’s worth 4,000 dollars, then you’d buy the phone. P.S. The IPhone x is now worth 4,600 dollars. That’s a mere 383 dollars per month. quite frankly, you probably spend that much on your ubers and shit. So, fork over your cash, ya damn sheep! I mean, you darling consumer of this fine, very very necessary product that you’ll throw into the trash into another year. :cough:

IPhone X is so 6 hours ago! Read why all the hip, totally rad millenials have decided to burn all their electronics in the middle of the sahara dessert, releasing mass amounts of toxins, plastic, and a huge, climate change causing bubble of endless dick pics, snapchat filters of girls with that dog face filter, angry texts to exes, and about a zillion obnoxious political reshares by your grandmother in Iowa.

and the best of all

Good news! The IPhone still makes phone calls! We think! Wait, let’s check. Call me! What, you dont know my number? We’ve been friends for 10 years! fuck you!

The year 2027, predictions by me

The future of delivery:

We’re about 10 years away from having the Iphone 40 surgically implanted into our skulls. This will enable us to order our Amazon items telepathically. No more awkward encounters with the amazon delivery guy. The items will be flown right into your window by Amazon’s best employee, Drone #50000404034.

I hear that drone only missed one day of work. His daughter got married. To a human! #robosexual rights

no more calling 911

In 10 years, we will have lost the ability to make a phone call. In the future, you’ll simply telepathically say ‘ok Google, dial 911’ inside of your fucking skull, and 911 will be called. By 911, I mean a bunch of robot EMTs. Also, why did you leave your robot wife outside for so long, anyway? Shit, you know the older robots can’t sit outside too long. What, you think it’s time to trade her in for a newer model, you sick bastard?! Just ship her off to be refurbished and sold on Amazon?! Typical. TYPICAL!

Cars will be for the rich

In a future of automated cars, you won’t get the privilege of owning a…manual. I mean..an automatic? Well, whatever the hell you drive now, just kiss it goodbye in the future! Cars will be a luxury for the rich. The auto will be the horse of the future. To own a horse costs much money. to own a car..well, okay, a car can be pretty expensive. But tell me, can you buy a used horse today, for cheap, that you know will break down ina  year, but you just need a rusty ol slow horse until you can afford a new horse, perhaps a leased horse that you still cant afford, or perhaps a financed horse with a 7 year loan repayment period at an interest rate of 6%? hmmm?!

The answer is..no. I think. And in the future, your broke ass will be taking the auto-cars to get around. Driving will be banned, except for on luxury speedways, where Zuckerberg and the Uber CEOS drive around in circles whilst millions of bitcoins and debit cards fly out of the back of their cars (because cash wont exist anymore!)

So, you, with no job, will take the government run auto-cars around town. Deal with it. Are you dealing with it? What do you mean I sound insane?! That’s pretty rude, stranger.

We will be jobless, except for like, zany youtube content creators, and the guy who uploads compilation videos of people falling down

That’s right, the future is a future without employment. The service sector is first, but you’re next! Oh, look at you, with your high paying whatever job. you disgust me! Oops, sorry, I slipped into jealousy mode there. Ahem. I’m just saying, automation is pretty set to take over everything. Even your therapist. Robo-bob 1000 will be programmed to feel all necessary emotions, but he’ll be quite logical. Robo-bob is here for you. He’s here to listen. and he’s here to save your life. all hail robo bob. Did you know your real therapist also has their own therapist? Do you think robo-bob has a therapist? nope, he is enlightened, a higher being, really. Okay, one time his hard drive short circuited and he accidentally deleted the president’s Twitter account. but the president forgives him (president Kid rock, in 2027) and you should, too.

so, that’s it. How many of these predictions will come true? make sure to bookmark this page, set a google alert for 2027, and uh..yeah. Please do that. Validate my existence, ya know?