America 2040: ‘dating’

ALERT!

Your tindar Mate needs attention

ALERT!

Your Tindar Mate needs attention

ALERT!

‘Shut UP, Alexo! I KNOW! You’re so annoying!’

ARGH! Ariana Grande Hoffman repeatedly pressed her Micro-Spot to make Alexo shut up. She used to be able to shut off  Alexo alerts with one press. Her Micro-Spot was now 4 months old!

Planned obsolescence, you’re a real pain in the ass.’ She muttered to herself, while thinking about the piles of old Micro-Spots sitting in a junk drawer in the basement. Every few months she made plans to call an Ubero auto-car to haul the Micro-Spots to the recycling center, but then she’d get distracted by something playing on the Google Hologram channel. Such is life.

‘Press 4 to continue your Rendezvous. Press 5 to send back to Tindar’

Oh, crap! I totally forgot you were here! Hey, listen, last night was fun, but…I’m just not ready for a relationship-‘

‘Press 4 to continue your rendezvous. Press 5 to send back to Tindar.’

Ariana Grande Huffman pressed 5.

‘Thank you. an Ubero will arrive in 4 minutes. Please place your Tindar Mate in the car upon arrival. Thank you, and thank you for using Tindar.’

Ariana Grande Hoffman sighed. She had to place this thing IN the car? But it’s got LEGS, and ARMS. Can’t the thing walk itself to the car?

‘Listen, uhh…Tindar robot thingy. You’ve got legs. You’ve got some great hair too. I personally requested that you resemble old timey celebrity, Tom Cruise. My grandma showed me some old movies from the 1980s with Tom Cruise she downloaded into her Micro-spot-‘

‘Thank you for designing me to resemble your favorite celebrity, Tom Cruise. I hope you enjoyed your time with me. Please assist me to the Ubero car. Please text 555 on your Micro-spot if you have any complaints or suggestions about your Tindar Mate experience. Thank you.’

‘you have LEGS. Walk YOURSELF. My grandma said that men walked themselves out of houses ALL the time! Why do I have to walk you to a damn Ubero?!’ Ariana Grande Hoffman’s blood pressure micro-chip set off her alert system.

‘Calm yourself, dear, your blood pressure is rising. Calm yourself, dear, your blood pressure is rising’ The soothing voice of her grandmother boomed throughout the house. Her Alexo’s voice was set to ‘Grandma mode’ whenever a health issue was detected in Ariana’s body.

‘FINE. Come with me, stupid robot.’ Ariana Grande Hoffman grabbed her Tindar Mate by the arm and threw him into the Ubero. The robot weighed only 4 pounds, despite being 6’4 and resembling 1980s Tom Cruise.

Ariana Grande Hoffman walked back upstairs. Her home was silent. She felt very alone.

Her Micro-spot suddenly beeped 5 times.

Activate hologram mode, she said aloud.

Alexo announced: ‘Your friend, Janice, just finished watching your Tindar Mate experience. She is going to spend the rest of the day scrolling through Tindar Mates on her Micro-spot. Would you like to watch?’

‘Sure.’ Ariana Grande Hoffman muttered. She got back into bed and pressed her Micro-Spot.

‘Life sure is great. How did people live before Micro-spots?’

Alexo did not respond.

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