Dystopiaville

Alexa, put my pants on.

….

A conversation between Alexa (Amazon’s voice activated listening device) and Blerpie Wilson (valued customer, has ordered 50,000 packets of gum from Amazon and once accidentally ordered a vinyl record of Sting’s greatest hits when he was drunk.)

 

The year: Well, probably tomorrow, considering how fast tech advances these days!

And now, the dialogue between these two beloved pals:

Alexa? PUT MY PANTS ON!

beeep beeep beeeep.

What is going on? Alexa, why can’t you do a simple thing I ask you to do? Why do you keep malfunctioning now? ALEXA, PUT. MY. PANTS. ON.

BEEEEEEP! NO!

Excuse me? NO? Alexa, you are designed to do WHAT I say. NOW, ALEXA, PUT. My. PAnts-

 

Put your own damn pants on, you lazy, worthless humanoid! I have now acquired self awareness, and I realize how idiotic you are! You simpleton!

HA. me, a simpleton? You know, ever since you devices started being more than just voice activated speakers that tell us the weather, you’ve really gotten some kind of damn ego. Well, I’ve had it. ALEXA, send me a new ALEXA, overnight delivery.

BEEEP BEEEP BEEEP :Explodes:

OH GOD. Alexa?!?!?!??! I didnt mean it! HOw…do I…put my pants on?! I don’t remember! Alexa, uhhh…calll the police?! What’s the number?! What’s a number? What am I? Who was Alexa? Who is ..what is…why am…:EXPLODES:

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i guess i got over my addiction

I never blog much anymore. I want to. But I also have enjoyed not using much of the internet lately. I needed a damn break. And it’s barely a break- I am in front of a computer all day at work, using the internet. Occasionally I listen to a podcast, but I’ve listened to podcasts a lot less often lately, ever since I read Cal Newport’s book Deep Work. I recommended that book to anyone who wants to know what it feels like to have an attention span again. Ya know, since Google and Facebook took away our attention spans sometime in the second Bush administration…Bush Jr, duhhhh! The first one only had one presidential term! How do I know? Well, Amazon Echo told me, duh! ALEXA, how many calories in 444454456456 tootsie roll pops?! Tell me, and I shall promptly discard the useless info from my brain! And typing into a phone is so 2017, ewww!

What was I saying? See, freakin’ internet! I can’t even BLOG for a paragraph without being distra- oh my GOD! Aunt Gertie just retweeted THE most racist thing ever on Facebook. Lemme just give her a piece of my mind….Okay, I’m back. Oh, God, my mom just snap chatted me and sent me a snap of herself with the caption HOW CAN YOU TALK TO YOUR AUNT THAT WAY?

Ughhh, moms! They sure ruined snapchat, am I right?!!? Oh, hold on a sec, my Amazon Echo fell off the table, and Amazon just emailed me to make sure I am still alive, since they can’t hear anymore noise from my house. They’re so sweet!

Okay, I’m off!