Millenial confessional: I eat bread

I tried being a low carber last year. I was super into it. You see that picture of me HAPPILY (that’s my smile..) holding a low carb recipe book? Yep. I was all, ‘listen, guys, bread is bad. Stop eating it!’ I’d secretly try to avoid eating the pasta in dishes at my sister’s house. She asked me if I had another eating disorder. You see, like most teen girls at the turn of the century, I thought I was overweight and needed to get thin ASAP. I was always on some weird ass diet. I remember once trying Atkins in 2002, after my uncle told me all the amazing(ly gross) things I could eat.

Cheese (which I love)

meat (not so much)

and that’s it.

This was not what Dr. Atkins himself actually endorsed. Well, he’d say you should, you know, eat some fucking vegetables, too, But the Atkins diet got all warped and fucked up by the media and people trying to make a buck, so you’d even see things like…LOW CARB BREAD….Atkins low carb BREAD! That boggles my mind as much as low fat ice cream.

 

ice cream is fat.

bread is carb.

what the fuck is low carb bread?!

Anyway, my low carb diet didn’t last long. It was tough, but the thing is, I think we’d all be better off eating low carb.

maybe I’ll return to it. maybe I don’t know how to find a good balance. I get super intense, and sometimes, that’s a hindrance. Like, at what point does an eating lifestyle become a bit maladjusted? Did I really need to swear off bread forever? We know the shit is addictive, we know potato chips and cookies are bad, and the marketing is aimed at children, and we all know soda is like pouring spoonfuls of sugar directly into your bloodstream….

but can we find a balance with junk food?

Or should we avoid it, like we avoid cigarettes?

I know I feel better when I eat more veggies. But I also love a good piece of dark chocolate, or a peanut butter cup, or a piece of cake at a wedding.

And i also know sugar is similar to a drug, the way it interacts with your brain and pleasure centers.

What’s a poor ol elderly millenial to do?!

 

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pizza.

I have rambled a lot about how much I hate social media. Well, I thought, damn, maybe I should ramble about something a bit uplifting, ya know?

 

And then I had nothing to write about.

Then, it dawned on me. I should write about pizza.

Three weeks later, and I still haven’t written a damn word about pizza…UNTIL NOW! Nothing is going to stop me! I’m challenging myself to WRITE without stopping, to let the memories fly out of my head and right onto this glowing computer screen that keeps me awake at night…Fucking addictive technology! Anyway, here it goes! Here it goes1

 

Pizza memories

by Julie elderly millenial LastName (you think I’m tellin’ you my last name?! That puts my high flying career in jeopardy if my blog is ever discovered.)

 

I’ve eaten pizza in Italy. It was thin crust, not too much sauce, not too much cheese, really fresh, nice basil, and paired with great wine.

I’ve eaten pizza at the supposedly best pizza shop in the North end of Boston. It was nice. I accidentally walked out without the pizza leftovers. that was over 10 years ago, and I hope someday I can forgive myself.

And I’ve made pizza. From scratch. The crust was way too thick. i didn’t roll the dough enough.

Of all these pizza memories, which is my favorite? Which makes me happiest? Which stands out the most in my weathered old noggin?

NONE OF THE ABOVE. My favorite pizza memory involves an extremely below average pizza place that I’m not sure even exists anymore. Little Caesar’s.

This pizza place is forever associated with my childhood. I partly blame their clever advertisement team (PIZZA PIZZA!) for lodging their damn slogan in my head. FOREVER. I am in my 30s. I havent stepped foot in a Little Caesars in 25 damn years. Hell, I am not sure I’ve even been within 30 miles of one. I’ve probably been a couple thousand miles above of a Little Caesars since the 90s. I’ve been in airplanes ‘n all. But i have not ordered, pretended to order, thought about ordering, or asked someone to order, a little C pizza since the first Clinton administration.

Little Caesar’s sticks in my weathered brain because of nostalgia. Fun memories. My dad would take me to pick up a sub par little caesar’s pepperoni pizza, and we’d go to Blockbuster and rent movies. It was the best time EVER. Nothing has compared. NOTHING! Not that fancy pizza in Rome, not that insanely thick pizza I made in 2009 when I was trying to be a chef, not the pizza in Boston’s North End.

Little Caesar’s crapo pizza is the best of all time.

Why is this so hard?

Why do I have such a battle with the internet? I go weeks feeling like I have a handle on my internet addiction. And yes, I know we’re ALL addicted now. I don’t care if internet addiction is normalized. It offends me when someone says, ‘julie, just use the internet in moderation, just STOP using it this way, or that way, just turn OFF notifications’ because it feels rude. You don’t tell an alcoholic to just drink beer in moderation. To just cover all the labels of Budweiser that their roommate keeps in the house..to just learn to sit in a bar every day, for hours, and not feel tempted to order a glass of merlot. But that’s basically what people say to me, when I say I have a problem with my internet use. I spent this morning on Instagram. I never feel good afterwards, but that’s what I did. It feels hopeless sometimes. How exactly am I supposed to just ‘not’ use the internet in 2018?

In moderation!

Don’t look at the stuff that makes you feel bad!

Everyone uses the internet this way now. it’s part of the WORLD.

 

But what if I am just incapable of scrolling these mindless apps like ‘normal’ people do? what if it really does hurt me, a lot? what if I can’t equip my monkey brain to be able to handle the modern age?

And  every day I wonder why I think so much about all this shit. Why can’t I just be normal and learn to love mindlessly staring at a glowing screen. Why do I just want to throw all these beeping electronics out the window.

Maybe the problem is me.

A millenial without a facebook. can i live?

I deleted my Facebook account in September 2017. I mean, DELETED. It’s gone! Well, sort of. I can’t access it, but i’m sure overlord  Zuckerberg can crack it open. And I’m sure he does. my fake internet life was fascinating. I had a few fake marriages, a few fake children, a boatload  of selfies around age 26, then I morphed into Political & Angry, like everyone else, then I deleted myself.

I think social media is toxic. The cons outweigh the pros. so, I took all the social media apps off my phone. that helped cut back on the toxicity, but I still find myself checking Instagram smetimes, or Facebook, if someone sends me a link to something. I read Twitter, too, but why? None of these fucking websites make me feel good. Why do I keep looking at them?

For A LONG TIME, I was embarrassed to delete my Facebook, because people were judgmental about it, and I care what people think about me, probably too much. I’ve loosened up with old age (i’m 32 1/2!!) and eventually you realize, these people do not have your best interest in mind, anyway. If they did, they’d set aside their own biases, opinions, and thoughts, and say, ‘do what’s best for yourself, i support you!’ but that isn’t likely to happen, so just do YOU. do you, girlfriend! Now I sound like a really bad motivational poster in some woman’s cubicle.

(I can say that, because I am a woman)

anyway. I got to do me. and I want to go a step further this year. Deleting my accounts wasn’t easy, and I have DREAMS that I reactivate my Facebook..WHAT. that is how lodged the ol Facebook is in my cerebellum. Or my amygdala. Or something up in my brain.

So, this year, I’m done. I’m DONE!

No Twitter, No Facebook, No Instagram. AT ALL.

What are the rules, me?

RULES:

  1. No social media apps on your phone (already done)
  2. No typing in facebook.com or instagram.com in your duckduckgo search bar (i love duckduckgo.com)
  3. even if someone sends a link to instagram or FB, be honest, say that you dont use those websites. plus it’s usually just  a meme anyway. i doubt they’re linking me to some urgent legal matter that  i must address by 12 PM. If they had to send me an urgent legal matter, surely they’d TEXT me like a normal person (ugh)
  4. If the urge strikes to go on social media, pull up a knitting video, spanish video, or listen to music.
  5. if some dumbass tweet is embedded in a news story, dont click on it (what happened to journalism?)
  6. if you ‘relapse’ it’s okay, but get back on the wagon asap.

 

I shall document my progress. It will likely be interesting to no one, except myself. And you! Right? Thanks, you’re the sweetest. I appreciate it.

 

Okay, here it goes. Day…1. (Yea i know it’s january 6th……just pretend it’s january 1st.)

-julie

elderly millenial.

ps

to remind myself of my darkest days, i attached a selfie from 2012. this was my Selfie Era, and I was incredibly addicted to facebook.

I will blog more about why i am so against social media, as i go. and i will never tell anyone to stop using it, it is your life and you do YOU, as Oprah says. (I think she said that..) But much evidence is emerging that social media is toxic, and i think that is something we all need to be informed about…

(That was a LONG PS)

-julie (again)selfie

From the desk of judy roberts

‘Hello? HELLO!? INTERNET?! Are you there?!! Siri, this is Judy Roberts. Siri, pull up the internet! I command you!’

‘Hello internet user JUDY ROBERTS. In order to use Siri, please swipe your debit card. Each Siri command will cost 5 bitcoins.’

‘WHAT?! WHAT?!’ WHAT?!’

‘Mom, are you okay?!’

My darling son, Horbert Jr, found me face first on my Ipad, gasping, clutching my pearls (i had my smart phone in my left hand and I was clutching my virtual pearls in Candy Crush) and moaning ‘nooo, net neturality, nooo’ to myself.

You see, today, the internet.com has changed forever. I was informed by DRUMPF_fackoff on Youtube (Is Drumph a Scottish last name?) that the FCC decided to kill the internet. I got a bit worried, and wondered if I played a role in the internet’s death. You see, i have a dark confession to make. And I just pray that you reserve your judgment. Only God can judge me, you see! And my swath of loving Facebook friends. All 540 of them love me deeply, but YOU, dear reader, have NOT accepted my friend request. Yes, you think I dont NOTICE?! You think I don’t  NOTICE the ‘friend request’ pending message every time I load up my internet and go on facebook.com?! You..you…you….ahem. Excuse me. What was I saying? Oh, right, I was telling you how I single-handedly repealed net neutrality via my devious internet actions.

Friends, I strive to be a loving, law abiding citizen, but you people are nuts today, and I simply must get my thoughts out there. I cant simply co-exist with you loonbags and NOT load up my Ipad and spew my vitriol on Youtube, Facebook, Snapchat (I use a cute doggie face filter during my political rants, so the kiddies can watch too) Twitter, Cnn.com, and my mother-in-law’s email account. Yes, I am not afraid to tell my mother in law how I feel about her Obama 2008 sign that is STILL rotting away on her front lawn. Get with the times, Agnes!

But anyway. As you may know, my husband, Rannie Bob, is rarely home. He is unlike typical men, you see. My Rannie Bob loves to work, work, work, work…and well, work. So, he is rarely home, and I am left to my own..devices. LITERALLY! HAHA! I gather up my:

Ipad

Iphone

Ipod

Iwatch

Eyeballs

and Idog (I am allergic to dog fur, it makes me break out in feminist thought)

and I hit my basement for hours and hours of

Debating with strangers

Debating with my grandmother

debating with your grandmother

debating with a guy named Farts_MGTOW on Youtube

Posting political memes on Pinterest

Sending mass emails to my son’s school administrative leaders, calling them Libtards

Watching endless amounts of Alex Jones videos, then getting confused and watching endless amounts of CNN videos, and then accidentally deleting Internet Explorer somehow and then wondering how I even got internet explorer on my Ipad. Is this an Ipad? Horbie, did you lie to me?! Is this a knock off?!! Is it from CHINA?! What do you mean all electronics are made in China? ARE YOU A COMMIE, MY SON?

And, well, you see, I have my fingers in all corners of the internet. And one day, yesterday, at approximately 3:30 AM, my hand vibrated.

‘Goodness, that’s my cell phone hand. Who could be tweeting me at this house?’ I typed to myself in my other hand (My tablet hand)

 

MGTOW_TRUMP_ALTRIGHT_DANKMEME2018: @Judy_saves_america, bitch, you are the reason the internet is a shithole now. If the world ends tomorrow, it is your fault.

I dropped my phone and my tablet in shock. Is what this man wrote…true?

‘Would MGTOW_TRUMP_ALTRIGHT_DANKMEME2018 ever lie to me?’ I asked my reflection in my phone’s selfie mode.

‘No, no, he wouldn’t’ My amazon echo chirped from the corner.

‘SHIT! Then I better go on the down low for a while, get off the internet, you know? Listen, Amazon Echo, tell Horbie I’ve got to go into hiding for a bit? Okay?’

I turned off my phone. And my tablet. And I sat in my room.  Horbie was in his room too, but we haven’t actually spoken verbally since the Iphone X came out with their new telepathic-talk mode.

After a grueling 2 hours, I logged back in.

And discovered…today….

The FCC got sick of my shenanigans. and they are ending net neutrality.

I am sorry, friends. I hope you find it in your emojis to forgive me. I never meant to hurt you. I just hope someday you’ll forgive me…..AND ACCEPT MY FRIEND REQUEST ON FACEBOOK!

I haven’t felt like writing

I’m a bit….disillusioned by the rapid changes in American culture. Old people have historically complained about the younger generations being rude and lacking manners. So, keeping that historical perspective in mind, I’ll still utter this ground-breaking, earth-shatteringly POIGNANT, 100% original thought: We’re all so fucking rude now.

We’re disconnected and we were thrown into a cyberworld so rapidly, no one even knows what the rules ARE to follow! On the internet, you’re no longer anonymous like the old days, and you’d think that would mean we’d be kinder, but we’re worse. it’s partly because the overlords of social media, the zuckerbergs and the instagram dudes, want us to be connected 24/7. They admit this, and you can go google that (or duckduckgo.com if you dont want to be tracked) if you don’t believe me. It’s business for them. It’s the same way they convinced women to start smoking.

Ladies, you’re independent. You’re your own woman. Stay classy, stay strong, smoke camels.

Women didn’t start smoking until marketers realized you dont sway people with facts, you sway them with emotion.

You go girl. you won the right to vote. Now, win the right to die of lung cancer, just like any ol man can do.

But anyway, marketing controls our lives, and marketing controls the narrative. Now, we live in a world of constant outrage. What keeps you glued to your Iphone? Whilst you’re out at lunch with your child? Or in line at the market? Or at work? Fucking outrage, man! What did so and so write?! Louis CK did WHAT? Oh no, Trump is doing this or that now? did you see what Cheryl bobbins wrote on facebook?! Who is Cheryl Bobbins? Uhhh…I think she was in my 4th grade tumbling class??

I am tired of the outrage and disconnect. I am, quite frankly, tired of all your opinions. I’m tired of the vitriol. I’m tired of  how often Facebook makes its way into real life conversations. I’m just tired! Maybe I need more sleep.

what i learned from gardening

Growing vegetables, much like growing as a person, requires patience. It is harder and harder to be patient in a smart phone society. We are now conditioned to expect instant results. Instant texts, instant romantic interests, instant hilarious videos, instant food, and instant cab service.

I am not here to say that all of these things are bad. But, I am here to say that our attention spans are being zapped away, little by little, and each new IPhone model brings new concerns for the state of our mental health. In fact, for the first time in human history, I believe we have to actively WORK to maintain our peace of mind. The days of being able to just leave your house for a day and not worry about being ‘disconnected’ are over. Your life is now controlled, and it is up to you to step outside of the control and craft a life with some moments of respite.

So, that’s why mindfulness is on the rise. Who even knew what such a thing was, besides buddhists and gurus, until fairly recently? You didnt have to work to achieve mindfulness, until the rise of cinema, advertisements, and now, the internet and cell phones. We can use the internet and cell phones to our advantage, but left unchecked, these devices take over our lives, to the point where you can’t even have a dinner with your friend without checking who posted something new on snapchat within the last 20 minutes.

This isnt good. Our attention spans are important, and if we lose our attention spans, we lose control. When you lose control, you’re easily controlled, and your life isn’t yours anymore.

Ideally, we would only use the internet on actual computers, because carrying around a computer with you everywhere is just a recipe for obsession. But, that isnt the reality. Even if everyone secretly wishes for some aspect of the old days, where you could just go out and not worry about your phone, or not be available to everyone 24/7, those days are gone.

But we can still stay present, and practice patience, mindfulness, and self awareness. But you have to be ready to fight a tough fight, because all of the forces are against you. Its in their best interest to keep you glued to your internet device. Hey, it’s business. I get it. but tell me the last time marketing and big business had your mental health in mind? Go read about how they convinced women to start smoking. They appeal to emotion. insecurities. not facts. not logic.

One way i have fought this fight is by getting into gardening. Gardening requires A LOT of patience, hard work, and truly caring for the task. you can’t just plant a seed and walk away, staring at the ground, stomping your foot, wondering why it’s taking so damn long. The seed is planted. If the soil is right, and you water it appropriately, and WAIT, then within a week or so, you’ll see the seed start to sprout.

Then, you have to wait longer, keep watering, keep an eye out for pests, and basically have a good amount of hope. And passion. you have to want this seed to grow into a plant. you have to hope the plant bears fruit, and you have to have a lot of patience.

Finally, months pass. And if all went well, if you took care of the plant, if you were patient, you get the reward. lettuce, tomatoes, whatever it was you grew. But it took awhile. Because sometimes in life, a lot of times in life, you need to be patient.

You cant change a habit overnight

you cant find your dream life overnight

you cant grow kale overnight

and you cant expect instant results.

Do we stop swiping right, do we stop ordering our food online, and all the insta-things we do now? I don’t know. As society progresses, we’ll collectively look back on today, and come to our mass conclusion, like we did with cigarettes, soda, rampant unprotected sex, and the other similar vices and addicting things of our past. But for now, just do your best to remain sane, and mindful, and patient.