old ass millenial

I am old as one of those controllers you used to play Duck Hunt for Nintendo.

That’s right, I’m THAT old!

But somehow, I am still a millenial. how is this so?



I dunno. I don’t write the damn rules ‘n regulations for this shit. Some random reporters from CNN, NY Times, and whatever else ‘news’ site made up the ‘rules’ for being a millenial. I just know that being born in 1985 somehow means i am a millenial. I mean, I got AOL before I was old enough to see Titantic without permission from my mother. I guess. I’m sure I could’ve just walked right into that long-ass movie without a peep from the bored 16 year old ticket taker. Listen, it was 1997, those poor ticket takers had to stand there for HOURS, without a fucking snapchat or instagram tweet to pass the time, ya know? #sobored #titanicsucks #isawwinsletsboob

anyway, my point is….fuck being a millenial. Remember when everyone hated the baby boomers? Yep, it’s true. The greatest generation hated those damn baby boomers! Oddly enough, i am fairly sure the greatest generation plopped those boomers out of their vaginas. Even the men. Little known fact, all men born before 1945 had vaginas. Okay, I am lying. But anyway. The greatest generation had deep, deep disregard for the free love, free college, free Uber rides (helloooo hitchhiking) boomers. And now, the boomers hate MY generation!


Listen up, boomers. You created us. In fact, two of you created our overlord, Mr. Zuckerberg. So how DARE YOU?!?!?!


i am sick of posting now



Poisoned on a daily basis.

Everything we eat is full of garbage. Corn and soy are subsidized by the government, so farmers have an incentive to grow the stuff. I am not mad at the farmers, it’s survival for them, at this point. But what is happening to our bodies? We’re sicker than ever. You might hear myths about how people didn’t used to live long enough to get diabetes and heart disease, but none of that is backed up by fact. It is true that you were waaaay more likely to die in infancy or childhood, but if you did make it out of your teen years alive, you were pretty much set to live a decent chunk of time. And without type 2 diabetes.


We cannot escape disease, it’s going to happen. But something is wrong with the high rates of diabetes, cancer, obesity and infertility. We’re eating garbage. We’re being poisoned.

We drink everything from plastic, that leeches into the water. All our food is full of too much soy and corn. Here is a Panera sandwich:



Canola oil and corn starch are bad for you. Soy bean oil is crap. The bread is also crap, but you already knew that. But at least if the bread was actual multigrain that wasnt stripped of all the whole grains, it might have some benefit. when you strip away all the whole grain from bread, refine it down to a powder, then pump it with some vitamins, it is not the same beast anymore. we can break stuff down, but we arent good at building it back together. that’s why refined grains are so bad for us. Our bodies aren’t used to this stuff yet. As far as canola and corn…all crap.

I dont want to go off the deep end. because i live in a modern world with its many poisons, and i cant be perfect and avoid all of them unless i cut myself off from the world and live in a cave and have instacart deliver me groceries every week. but i can try to do my best to minimize the poisons that i encounter. I know every time i eat out, i am probably eating vegetable oils, or sugars, and stuff. but you know, maybe that’s fine OCCASIONALLY. i just dont want that to be the entirety of my diet, a bunch of crappy grains and sugars.


But i will conclude with this….


Americans and French were asked: When you think of chocolate cake, what word pops into your head?

French: Celebration

Americans: Guilt


So, there’s some…cake for thought. Why the guilt? perhaps a few diff reasons. We over-indulge, but also, we are always on diets. We put bad food on pedestals so we want it more and more. if we always make an attempt to eat healthfully, but eat a slice of cake at a birthday, that, to me, is a much healthier mindset. Whenever you put anything on a pedestal, you want it more.







Why? Dont do it to yourself. don’t sleep around, but you dont have to be a nun, either. don’t do drugs, but taking a tylenol when you have a raging headache is probably fine. don’t drink to excess, but a glass of wine once in awhile is fine if you can handle that. don’t eat candy, unless you’re at a party and you just have a few. cake shouldnt be a staple of your diet, but look, a slice at a wedding is fucking fine, get over yourself.

okay, i think i made my point here. wait, what was my point?

society is a social construct

A wise soul told me that society isn’t even real. It’s a concept we made up. It’s a collection of people that don’t actually ‘mean’ anything to me. The real ‘society’ consists of the people actually in your life, consistently, and with some sort of meaning for you. I mean, does it actually matter to you if the guy on the bus thinks you’re weird for using a CD player? Or that the girl at the supermarket secretly judged you for buying rice cakes?

I have secretly judged people for buying rice cakes. I think, ‘don’t they know about nutrition? don’t they KNOW? How can they BUY those?’


but who the fuck am I? And why should they care what I am thinking of them? and are they thinking similar things about me?

‘How can she buy almond butter? that’s so gross. and why all the seltzer water? what a waste of money. Just drink regular water.’

It also barely matters what ppl in my life think about what I do with my existence. Right now I am on a laptop and typing this entry, I just ate a piece of 86% cacao dark chocolate. I listened to a Spanish podcast. I read another chapter¬†of In Defense of Food. This could be my life. I mean, this could be ‘reality’ and who is ‘society’ to say otherwise? Who dictates what we should all be doing every night?

I compare my life to my contemporaries. that’s what I call ‘society’ all the people within my age bracket, whatever theyre doing, my brain thinks I should be doing it too. But why? Evolution? Fear of ostracism?

My mind has been blown over the idea that society doesnt even exist. It was created. By the news. It is perpetuated…by your Facebook feed. It is something that has a grip on us, we conduct our lives based on it…and it isn’t even a thing.

Time to go live exactly how I want to live! okay, maybe not.

What did I need to unlearn

This morning I looked at my books. I have Michael Pollan’s In Defense of Food. I bought this book around 2011, when I got into a bit of a health obsession, but not like my current obsession. I seemed to have completely glossed over his chapter on dietary fat. He talks about how the food pyramid led everyone astray, and the demonizing of fat led everyone to obesity. Why don’t I remember reading this chapter?

He also talks about how weight has a lot more to do with just ‘calories in, calories out.’ That’s actually a really simplistic model that treats humans more like robots than fleshy, complex mammals. Hormones play a role. Genetics. Your gut flora. We’re learning all this now. We’re still learning. But what should I unlearn about life?

stuff to unlearn:

Eggs are bad for you.

No, they’re not. And the yolk is the healthiest part.

Exercise will help you lose weight.

Yeah, except….what?! You’re probably already running on less energy because you’re crash dieting, and now you’re going to go peddle on a bike for 30 minutes and think you’ll be able to deal with the hunger pains all night…uh huh. makes sense. Exercise helps with mood, and health, for sure. But it’s one of the worst weight loss methods because….it makes you hungry!!!

I can’t do anything about my anxiety and depression, it’s in my genes.

I definitely believed this before I learned more about epigenetics and neuroscience. And we are just starting to actually understand how our brains work. Anxiety disorders are awful. And there is no one size fits all approach. much like diet. But I believe there is a ‘one size that can benefit all, but maybe not cure all’ method. LOL. how wordy is that? anyway, it’s really simple. Move around more, practice gratitude, learn a new skill, hug people more often, don’t dwell on your mistakes.

It’s not going to cure your depression, but it might. It really depends on your brain. But we aren’t stuck.

you are so quiet, you are so shy, you think too much, you’re too anxious, you need to accept technology, you need to chill out, you aren’t very driven, you are going to rot in a cubicle and you deserve it

My personality is basically a blob of all the traits other people have ascribed to me. What if for a year I did an experiment where I told myself I am fucking outgoing as SHIT and I love to interact with new people, and dance, and I am super emotionally resilient, and I can do whatever I want!

that’d be an interesting experiment.

buy a house. because of reasons blahblahblah

Home ownership worship bugs me. Especially in an increasingly fragile, rapidly changing economic and societal climate. We are so mobile now. We’re attached to mobile phones. We work remote. We get new jobs every 5 years before companies dont give raises anymore or value you. Plus, the slogan ‘renting is throwing your money down the toilet’ was literally created by realtors. it is a marketing term. like ‘I’m lovin’ it’ or ‘Bet you cant eat just one’ And when people say it, they’re just parroting it, they dont even THINK about what theyre saying.

And even if they do things like move every 5-10 years, they still believe it is better than renting. Because we never learned useful math in school. we learn…well, whatever they teach you. i never passed an algebra class. did i? I dunno. I remember taking pre-algebra. then i bombed algebra and they stuck me in some accounting class and that counted as a math credit.

Anyway, owning a house is a big responsibility. There’s many hidden costs. they arent even hidden. they’re just overlooked, because we are too busy thinking ‘well, renting was throwing my money down the toilet. what’s an HOA fee? what’s property tax? a new roof costs how much? when was the septic last updated? what do you mean there is mold in the bathroom? closing costs? the value of the neighborhood? how much do i have in savings, if i lose my job, how will i pay this mortgage? how much do i need to set aside for home fix ups, which will have, because it is a freaking home!!’

renting isnt a walk in the park either. you know what IS a walk in the park? a walk in the park. man, i should go for one. anyway..

Renting has downsides. For one thing, some of us dont WANT to move all the time. I think stability is important and having a stable living arrangement is key. Yet every year, I move to a new location. Eventually, I’d like to stay put somewhere for a long swath of time.

I just do not follow the ‘rent is throwing your money away’ lie. because truthfully, you can throw just as much money away whilst owning. you can take out home equity loans. you can buy a house that eats up 60% of your take home pay. you can go into foreclosure for a variety of reasons. you can have to move for a new job and lose money on closing costs and moving fees.

if i could buy a house in cash, i would do that. maybe.  right now, i think that makes the most sense of all. otherwise, i am not convinced that owning is some cash cow. but i do think a home is a great place to raise children. but i have zero children. so why do i need a house.


i think i proved my point here. wait, what was my point

Hyper connection


It is normal to follow 500 of your closest randoms from the past. Why are you so fucking weird. Follow your high school classmate that called you a fat fuck in 10th grade. And why aren’t you ‘liking’ your old coworker’s status update about how she is so ~blessed~ to have had her 4th child? Why are you so cold? Do you even care about Shannon Blerkmeyer? What do you mean you haven’t seen her since that kegger in college? You went to college?!?! Wow, bitch, showing your privilege there. Some of us have PROBLEMS, you know, and we couldn’t finish! #insensitive #fuckyou #fuckthis #marchforcollegedropoutrights

Are you okay? I mean, you haven’t posted a selfie lately. Is it because the lighting is bad in your new room? When do you plan to buy a house, anyway? Are you getting married? Why aren’t you dating anyone? Did you see so and so’s new baby on Facebook? What a cutie. That family is so happy. Why can’t my life be that perfect? #sadness #omg #fuck

Did you read that news report on CNN about some bullshit stupid thing? Oh my God!! I know, right? We got to fight back! We need to fight this! #fight #fuckyou #ifyoudontagreeiwthmeyoureanidiot


Wow how much was that phone? You leased it? Wow!!! I can lease one, too? And a caR? and a sofa?!?!?! Shit! We are truly blessed, in such a country of abundance. Good thing we’re not all in massive debt and living paycheck to paycheck. Now I can post this amazing bowl of pasta to all my dear instagram friends, using the FASTEST 4G NETWORK IN AMERICA. #givemedataorgivemedeath



i take it back, pretend it is 2007.

I’m going to do an experiment. I love to experiment. Oh, STOP.


I am going to get a dumb phone tonight. I want to be less connected. I am too hyper connected. which leads to less human connection. yes. that’s right. we’re less connected than ever before. the cyber world is artificial. 90% of the people on our friends list either dont give a royal F about you, or enjoy stalking your photos/political rambles.


so yeah, this millenial is going to be fuckin’ weird and experiment with ditching my smart phone. plus, it will be nice to have to actually use my brain and memorize a few street turns, if i drive somewhere. oh, heaven forbid!! use my fucking BRAIN!


i’ll let you know how it goes/when i cry and miss snapchat. just kidding.

Pretend it is 1993, and be full of joy.

Dear internet

I am a millenial, I think. My name is Julie, and I was born in 1985. According to Tumblr.com, I am somehow a millenial. This perplexes my aged soul, because I was born before the Berlin wall fell down, and I CLEARLY remember using a home phone, so how am I millenial?! Oh well, facts are facts. tumblr NEVER lies. It is basically the website where I get ALL my information about life.

I digress.

I’m here to give you some helpful tips on how to survive this crazy, internet-obsessed, Facebook loving world of 2017. Kids, circle around. I’m an old woman, and I’ve got some damn wisdom to share with ya.

PUT DOWN YOUR FUCKING PHONE,BOBBY! Could you go ONE minute without snap chatting?! Could you?! You freaking millenials! Oh, wait, I’m a millenial, too. Well, I’m an old millenial. Anyway.

The key to remaining happy and not exploding into a fit of rage is very simple.


Pretend it is 1993.


Every day, I try to set aside a few minutes to pretend it is 1993. Today, I drove home, and I didn’t ONCE pick up my phone at a red light and stare at it, hoping someone, anyone, had sent me a message. oh just anyone. Anyone out there? Hello? No messages?! No one likes me!?! no one cares?!?!! ahem…

It gives you clarity, and peace of mind, to take a drive to the market and not once check your phone.

Every day, I go for a walk without a cell phone.

Is anyone calling me? I mean, is anyone texting me? I mean, my phone is upstairs…shit. What if I am missing an important text?1 fuck! I am so irresponsible! I am …oh god, what if …I better go get my phone!

Every day, I sit by the ocean, and I listen to the calm waves, crashing, retreating, crashing. The seagulls flying by me, the cars swooshing by the boardwalk, the twinkling of the stars mesmerize me, the banter of kids eating outside at the clam shack……BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP….oh shit. A group text. Shit. I better check that, right? I mean, what if someone is…hurt, or something ? I mean, it is just rude for me not to look, right? Oh, I am being silly. I am enjoying this time to myself- bEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP.. wow, four messages? jeez, someone could be in the hospital or something! I have to look..I will look. this seems serious!

:opens text:

meme of cat with quote

meme of dog with quoute

meme of dog and cat with quote

meme of dog and cat and donald trump



It’s hopeless, friends. The past is over. The past is gone. BEEP BEEP BEEP

I’m so sick of lean cuisine.

I’m so tired of bullshit pseudo-food.

I’m tired of how women were sold this idea that ‘low fat’ is best. I’m tired of weight obsession. I’m tired of sugar-laden non-foods saturating the supermarket aisles. I’m sick of it! It needs to end! IT ENDS TODAY!


EAT BACON. Eat eggs. Eat cheese. Drink milk. Throw out your granola bars. Throw out the yoplait swetened yogurts. Burn your skinny cow ice cream pops. (somehow) Toss your freaking rice cakes into the fucking wood chipper. Hurl your fucking slimfast shakes into the fucking dumpster. Goodbye, fake food, goodbye forever. You were bullshit from day one. But we were fed bullshit. And as you know, bullshit has a way of stickin’ around. I give the evil eye to Fruit Loops on a DAILY BASIS in the supermarket, but do those damn Fruit Loops VAMOOSE? Nope. They don’t. (Please dont judge me for spending my nights prowling a cereal aisle. A girl’s gotta do somethin’ with her time besides watch Seinfeld on repeat)


Anyway. Women, we need to band together, and fight back against all the bullshit we’ve been fed since we were born. I have memorized the SLimfast slogan. It goes like this:



What does that even MEAN? On what freaking planet does it seem sane to ‘eat’ shakes for TWO meals? And what ARE these shakes? Chemical laden sugar-filled nonsense liquids! Oh, sounds SO healthy! Yes, that is truly a lifelong diet I can stick to! Why, gather ’round,grandkids, lemme tell you ’bout how I got hooked on this lovely 2-shakes a day lifestyle. jonny, pass me my slimfast before I start, would ya? mmmm!!! Chemicals!!




Low fat is bullshit. Eat fat. Don’t eat a lot of sugar. Eat lots of veggies, too. Maybe only go on a bender once per year. The results will be fabulous.


Yours truly,

elderly millenial.

Down with rice cakes.

Women need to eat fat.

Is that a good SEO sentence? Can I do better?

Fuck snackwell’s.

That seems rude….I mean, a bit crass ‘n all..Hmm.

How about this. You’ve been lied to! Fat doesn’t make you fat! Do the scamaroos ever cease?!?!

When I was a kid, I remember finding myself perplexed by the HUGE AMOUNT OF GRAINS that the food pyramid said I could eat! And this freakin’ thing was hanging in every health classroom in the 90s. Really, 6-11 servings of grains, really? I also remember the bullshit food being at the very top, you know, just eat the bullshit sparingly. But gorge on wonderbread and rice cakes. it’s healthy!

Curse you, food pyramid, and low fat diet craze, for helping perpetuate women’s body image issues.

Even today, as I make some eggs, or a pound of bacon, I think ,THIS IS WRONG. Okay, I dont actually eat a pound of bacon. But still.

Fat won’t make you fat. But that is what you were led to believe. Now it’s time to free from the shackles of misinformation.

They told us low fat was best. so they take out the fat, and add sugar. Sugar makes you fat. But everything ‘healthy’ that is processed has sugar. Low fat yogurt, granola bars, cereal, it’s all pseudo-food and it’s the stuff that is actually bad for you.

They took away your eggs, full fat dairy, meat, and told you to eat whole grain breads and disgusting low calorie potato chips. 100 calorie packs enrage me. It is a marketing ploy, nothing more. You are clearly going to eat 5 little bags. They know that. They dont give a shit.

And the nonsense continues. women are always on diets. Women are scared to eat fat. So they eat unsatisfying lean cuisine meals and granola bars and low fat yogurts and the cycle of dieting never ends. The bullshit needs to end. The scamaroo stops here.


Pretend it is 1910, minus the botulism. just eat food!!! no more granola bars. no more lean cuisines. come on. let’s do it.