It annoys me..

It annoys me when I post a blog, and i get some ‘likes’ but the likers obviously didn’t read a word of what I wrote. Is that the state of writing today? Is it just so I’ll go to their blog, accidentally click on an ad, and generate some revenue for them?

Hmm..I should do an experiment. How many ‘likes’ can this entry garner? I will have to include a lot of weird, unrelated tags..like..

 

money

thoughts

bitcoin

kids

rant

trump

sex

friendship

So, how many ‘likes’ shall I receive? Well, time will tell! I’ll post this, and check it tonight. time to flee the internet and go to the museum.

(I’ll include ‘museum’ for a tag, too!)

 

I’ll also include that weird selfie I took of myself holding a low carb recipe book. #selfie

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money.

A few years ago, I realized that I carry a credit card balance every month.

I justified it. justifications can be misguided. There was no good reason for me to carry a balance every month. I just wasn’t paying attention to my money. And, I got really tired of sending Discover extra money every month. I decided to pay off my CC balance every month, so I’d no longer accrue interest.

In 2017, i didn’t pay any interest to Discover.

It’s been pretty nice.

It’s hard to save money. no one really teaches you how. I remember my 12th grade Decisions teacher tried to teach us how to budget, but none of it felt realistic. We were supposed to imagine our lives at age 22, and somehow, we all made decent money and could afford nice apartments. But no talk of student loans, credit cards, car loans, taxes…

When I was 20, I got a credit card. I didn’t understand late fees, interest, APR, anything! I racked up 1,000 dollars fast, and freaked OUT. Debt has always freaked me out. So, I paid it off, and I didnt use a CC again until a few years later.

I have learned how to ‘use’ a credit card, but I still think they suck. I use my CC for the ‘dollars’ but even that is just a scam. I just have to play along. Like, I just use discover card for gasoline. I get 5% cash back. So, I am just using it for something I needed anyway. But discover card wants me to go run out and use it for shit I dont need, so I wont be able to pay the full balance next month, so I’ll owe them interest.

No thanks. I’ll keep my damn money.

How I feel about Credit Cards:

  1. If you are a shopaholic, don’t use them at all. They’re too tempting. It’s like if you’re a smoker, are you going to be okay smoking a cigarette once in awhile? Or will that make you slip back into your bad habit? You have to know yourself and your limits. and there is a lot of power in recognizing that you can’t use something, like a credit card, or a cigarette, or oreos, or whatever the fuck it is.
  2.  The points, and cash back bonus shit, is only useful if you’re using the credit card for things you needed anyway…which is basically just gasoline for your car and food to sustain your mortal existence. Dont go on an amazon.com shoppin’ spree because Discover is giving you 2 dollars for the 12 pack of socks you bought. Or whatever. Also, amazon is evil. But I’ll get into THAT another time!
  3. If you feel like we cannot escape the FICO-score fueled, credit score checking hellscape in America, just play the CC game, and use your credit card RARELY but enough to keep a good score. and ONLY if you can pay off the balance, so NEVER give these ppl any of your extra income. dont pay them interest. that’s your money. You earned it, you keep it…

sometimes, shit happens, and we land ourselves in debts. I know I could walk outside and a seagull could fall from the sky and send me to the hospital, and my shitty insurance has such a high deductible, I’d prob owe a couple thousand to the doctor. That’s another reason i dont want credit card payments. I want to save money for emergencies. Life is full of weird ass twists ‘n turns…and bills. It feels nice to know I am SORT OF protected, with an emergency fund.

Life tip: Have 3-6 months of cash. Pretend you could lose your job tomorrow. do you have enough to float by for 3-6 months? It relieves a lot of stress, to know that life will still march on, even without a job, for half a year or so.

Life tip 2: make a budget. Even if you make 150k per year. Even if you make 15k per year. Money flies out the window so easily when we don’t pay attention to it. That’s how my money would fly right on over to Discover every month. I just wasn’t paying any attention to it. And for years, I paid WAY too much for car insurance. I switched companies and save 800 per year..SAME exact freakin’ insurance policy, but a different company..I wish I switched years ago.

And I KNOW I am overpaying my cell phone bill. I know I can get a cheaper plan elsewhere. That is my next money goal- cheaper cell phone plan.

 

Life tip 3: Don’t take my blog too seriously. I’m just an old millenial who is trying to make it in this scary world.

 

okay, time to go stare at my checking account for an hour.

why cant i write anymore?!?~??!

The creativity has been sucked out of my AGED SOUL.

 

I cannot write.

I cannot even type a sentence.

How did I just type that? I don’t even know- because I cannot write.

Nothing springs to mind when I sit down in front of my computer and think to myself, ‘time to write!’

time to write! maybe i’ll stop capitalizing. maybe that’ll pump up the creativity in the withered noggin.

Maybe I should stop calling my noggin withered, old, aged. Really, my brain is elastic, plasticity, elasticity, neuroplasticity, malleable, never static, never rigid..

 

..NEVER AGED. NEVER WITHERED. NEVER EVER OLD.

So, why am I dissing my brain? Part of my shtick, ya know? I’m just a simple elderly millenial, born on that damn cusp, or whatever.

But, back to my point. I can’t write.

I can’t even write about being an elderly millenial, born on the damn cusp, or whatever.

And if I can’t write about being a millenial, born on the damn cusp, or whatever, what CAN I write about?

cusp is a weird word. What if I just used it incorrectly? Sadly, there is no way for me to ever know if I used cusp incorrectly. Or you. We’ll just never know.

Anyway, I can’t write. I can’t think. I can’t. I just CAN’T.

Now, excuse me, I am on the cusp of a major breakthrough with figuring out how to make it rich by buying litecoin. #millenialproblem #amiamillenial? #iremembermadonna

 

here i am, thinking about how i am completely unable to do anything except think about how i can’t write anymore.

9160622109962284213

 

 

Millenial confessional: I eat bread

I tried being a low carber last year. I was super into it. You see that picture of me HAPPILY (that’s my smile..) holding a low carb recipe book? Yep. I was all, ‘listen, guys, bread is bad. Stop eating it!’ I’d secretly try to avoid eating the pasta in dishes at my sister’s house. She asked me if I had another eating disorder. You see, like most teen girls at the turn of the century, I thought I was overweight and needed to get thin ASAP. I was always on some weird ass diet. I remember once trying Atkins in 2002, after my uncle told me all the amazing(ly gross) things I could eat.

Cheese (which I love)

meat (not so much)

and that’s it.

This was not what Dr. Atkins himself actually endorsed. Well, he’d say you should, you know, eat some fucking vegetables, too, But the Atkins diet got all warped and fucked up by the media and people trying to make a buck, so you’d even see things like…LOW CARB BREAD….Atkins low carb BREAD! That boggles my mind as much as low fat ice cream.

 

ice cream is fat.

bread is carb.

what the fuck is low carb bread?!

Anyway, my low carb diet didn’t last long. It was tough, but the thing is, I think we’d all be better off eating low carb.

maybe I’ll return to it. maybe I don’t know how to find a good balance. I get super intense, and sometimes, that’s a hindrance. Like, at what point does an eating lifestyle become a bit maladjusted? Did I really need to swear off bread forever? We know the shit is addictive, we know potato chips and cookies are bad, and the marketing is aimed at children, and we all know soda is like pouring spoonfuls of sugar directly into your bloodstream….

but can we find a balance with junk food?

Or should we avoid it, like we avoid cigarettes?

I know I feel better when I eat more veggies. But I also love a good piece of dark chocolate, or a peanut butter cup, or a piece of cake at a wedding.

And i also know sugar is similar to a drug, the way it interacts with your brain and pleasure centers.

What’s a poor ol elderly millenial to do?!

 

pizza.

I have rambled a lot about how much I hate social media. Well, I thought, damn, maybe I should ramble about something a bit uplifting, ya know?

 

And then I had nothing to write about.

Then, it dawned on me. I should write about pizza.

Three weeks later, and I still haven’t written a damn word about pizza…UNTIL NOW! Nothing is going to stop me! I’m challenging myself to WRITE without stopping, to let the memories fly out of my head and right onto this glowing computer screen that keeps me awake at night…Fucking addictive technology! Anyway, here it goes! Here it goes1

 

Pizza memories

by Julie elderly millenial LastName (you think I’m tellin’ you my last name?! That puts my high flying career in jeopardy if my blog is ever discovered.)

 

I’ve eaten pizza in Italy. It was thin crust, not too much sauce, not too much cheese, really fresh, nice basil, and paired with great wine.

I’ve eaten pizza at the supposedly best pizza shop in the North end of Boston. It was nice. I accidentally walked out without the pizza leftovers. that was over 10 years ago, and I hope someday I can forgive myself.

And I’ve made pizza. From scratch. The crust was way too thick. i didn’t roll the dough enough.

Of all these pizza memories, which is my favorite? Which makes me happiest? Which stands out the most in my weathered old noggin?

NONE OF THE ABOVE. My favorite pizza memory involves an extremely below average pizza place that I’m not sure even exists anymore. Little Caesar’s.

This pizza place is forever associated with my childhood. I partly blame their clever advertisement team (PIZZA PIZZA!) for lodging their damn slogan in my head. FOREVER. I am in my 30s. I havent stepped foot in a Little Caesars in 25 damn years. Hell, I am not sure I’ve even been within 30 miles of one. I’ve probably been a couple thousand miles above of a Little Caesars since the 90s. I’ve been in airplanes ‘n all. But i have not ordered, pretended to order, thought about ordering, or asked someone to order, a little C pizza since the first Clinton administration.

Little Caesar’s sticks in my weathered brain because of nostalgia. Fun memories. My dad would take me to pick up a sub par little caesar’s pepperoni pizza, and we’d go to Blockbuster and rent movies. It was the best time EVER. Nothing has compared. NOTHING! Not that fancy pizza in Rome, not that insanely thick pizza I made in 2009 when I was trying to be a chef, not the pizza in Boston’s North End.

Little Caesar’s crapo pizza is the best of all time.

Why is this so hard?

Why do I have such a battle with the internet? I go weeks feeling like I have a handle on my internet addiction. And yes, I know we’re ALL addicted now. I don’t care if internet addiction is normalized. It offends me when someone says, ‘julie, just use the internet in moderation, just STOP using it this way, or that way, just turn OFF notifications’ because it feels rude. You don’t tell an alcoholic to just drink beer in moderation. To just cover all the labels of Budweiser that their roommate keeps in the house..to just learn to sit in a bar every day, for hours, and not feel tempted to order a glass of merlot. But that’s basically what people say to me, when I say I have a problem with my internet use. I spent this morning on Instagram. I never feel good afterwards, but that’s what I did. It feels hopeless sometimes. How exactly am I supposed to just ‘not’ use the internet in 2018?

In moderation!

Don’t look at the stuff that makes you feel bad!

Everyone uses the internet this way now. it’s part of the WORLD.

 

But what if I am just incapable of scrolling these mindless apps like ‘normal’ people do? what if it really does hurt me, a lot? what if I can’t equip my monkey brain to be able to handle the modern age?

And  every day I wonder why I think so much about all this shit. Why can’t I just be normal and learn to love mindlessly staring at a glowing screen. Why do I just want to throw all these beeping electronics out the window.

Maybe the problem is me.

A millenial without a facebook. can i live?

I deleted my Facebook account in September 2017. I mean, DELETED. It’s gone! Well, sort of. I can’t access it, but i’m sure overlord  Zuckerberg can crack it open. And I’m sure he does. my fake internet life was fascinating. I had a few fake marriages, a few fake children, a boatload  of selfies around age 26, then I morphed into Political & Angry, like everyone else, then I deleted myself.

I think social media is toxic. The cons outweigh the pros. so, I took all the social media apps off my phone. that helped cut back on the toxicity, but I still find myself checking Instagram smetimes, or Facebook, if someone sends me a link to something. I read Twitter, too, but why? None of these fucking websites make me feel good. Why do I keep looking at them?

For A LONG TIME, I was embarrassed to delete my Facebook, because people were judgmental about it, and I care what people think about me, probably too much. I’ve loosened up with old age (i’m 32 1/2!!) and eventually you realize, these people do not have your best interest in mind, anyway. If they did, they’d set aside their own biases, opinions, and thoughts, and say, ‘do what’s best for yourself, i support you!’ but that isn’t likely to happen, so just do YOU. do you, girlfriend! Now I sound like a really bad motivational poster in some woman’s cubicle.

(I can say that, because I am a woman)

anyway. I got to do me. and I want to go a step further this year. Deleting my accounts wasn’t easy, and I have DREAMS that I reactivate my Facebook..WHAT. that is how lodged the ol Facebook is in my cerebellum. Or my amygdala. Or something up in my brain.

So, this year, I’m done. I’m DONE!

No Twitter, No Facebook, No Instagram. AT ALL.

What are the rules, me?

RULES:

  1. No social media apps on your phone (already done)
  2. No typing in facebook.com or instagram.com in your duckduckgo search bar (i love duckduckgo.com)
  3. even if someone sends a link to instagram or FB, be honest, say that you dont use those websites. plus it’s usually just  a meme anyway. i doubt they’re linking me to some urgent legal matter that  i must address by 12 PM. If they had to send me an urgent legal matter, surely they’d TEXT me like a normal person (ugh)
  4. If the urge strikes to go on social media, pull up a knitting video, spanish video, or listen to music.
  5. if some dumbass tweet is embedded in a news story, dont click on it (what happened to journalism?)
  6. if you ‘relapse’ it’s okay, but get back on the wagon asap.

 

I shall document my progress. It will likely be interesting to no one, except myself. And you! Right? Thanks, you’re the sweetest. I appreciate it.

 

Okay, here it goes. Day…1. (Yea i know it’s january 6th……just pretend it’s january 1st.)

-julie

elderly millenial.

ps

to remind myself of my darkest days, i attached a selfie from 2012. this was my Selfie Era, and I was incredibly addicted to facebook.

I will blog more about why i am so against social media, as i go. and i will never tell anyone to stop using it, it is your life and you do YOU, as Oprah says. (I think she said that..) But much evidence is emerging that social media is toxic, and i think that is something we all need to be informed about…

(That was a LONG PS)

-julie (again)selfie

From the desk of judy roberts

‘Hello? HELLO!? INTERNET?! Are you there?!! Siri, this is Judy Roberts. Siri, pull up the internet! I command you!’

‘Hello internet user JUDY ROBERTS. In order to use Siri, please swipe your debit card. Each Siri command will cost 5 bitcoins.’

‘WHAT?! WHAT?!’ WHAT?!’

‘Mom, are you okay?!’

My darling son, Horbert Jr, found me face first on my Ipad, gasping, clutching my pearls (i had my smart phone in my left hand and I was clutching my virtual pearls in Candy Crush) and moaning ‘nooo, net neturality, nooo’ to myself.

You see, today, the internet.com has changed forever. I was informed by DRUMPF_fackoff on Youtube (Is Drumph a Scottish last name?) that the FCC decided to kill the internet. I got a bit worried, and wondered if I played a role in the internet’s death. You see, i have a dark confession to make. And I just pray that you reserve your judgment. Only God can judge me, you see! And my swath of loving Facebook friends. All 540 of them love me deeply, but YOU, dear reader, have NOT accepted my friend request. Yes, you think I dont NOTICE?! You think I don’t  NOTICE the ‘friend request’ pending message every time I load up my internet and go on facebook.com?! You..you…you….ahem. Excuse me. What was I saying? Oh, right, I was telling you how I single-handedly repealed net neutrality via my devious internet actions.

Friends, I strive to be a loving, law abiding citizen, but you people are nuts today, and I simply must get my thoughts out there. I cant simply co-exist with you loonbags and NOT load up my Ipad and spew my vitriol on Youtube, Facebook, Snapchat (I use a cute doggie face filter during my political rants, so the kiddies can watch too) Twitter, Cnn.com, and my mother-in-law’s email account. Yes, I am not afraid to tell my mother in law how I feel about her Obama 2008 sign that is STILL rotting away on her front lawn. Get with the times, Agnes!

But anyway. As you may know, my husband, Rannie Bob, is rarely home. He is unlike typical men, you see. My Rannie Bob loves to work, work, work, work…and well, work. So, he is rarely home, and I am left to my own..devices. LITERALLY! HAHA! I gather up my:

Ipad

Iphone

Ipod

Iwatch

Eyeballs

and Idog (I am allergic to dog fur, it makes me break out in feminist thought)

and I hit my basement for hours and hours of

Debating with strangers

Debating with my grandmother

debating with your grandmother

debating with a guy named Farts_MGTOW on Youtube

Posting political memes on Pinterest

Sending mass emails to my son’s school administrative leaders, calling them Libtards

Watching endless amounts of Alex Jones videos, then getting confused and watching endless amounts of CNN videos, and then accidentally deleting Internet Explorer somehow and then wondering how I even got internet explorer on my Ipad. Is this an Ipad? Horbie, did you lie to me?! Is this a knock off?!! Is it from CHINA?! What do you mean all electronics are made in China? ARE YOU A COMMIE, MY SON?

And, well, you see, I have my fingers in all corners of the internet. And one day, yesterday, at approximately 3:30 AM, my hand vibrated.

‘Goodness, that’s my cell phone hand. Who could be tweeting me at this house?’ I typed to myself in my other hand (My tablet hand)

 

MGTOW_TRUMP_ALTRIGHT_DANKMEME2018: @Judy_saves_america, bitch, you are the reason the internet is a shithole now. If the world ends tomorrow, it is your fault.

I dropped my phone and my tablet in shock. Is what this man wrote…true?

‘Would MGTOW_TRUMP_ALTRIGHT_DANKMEME2018 ever lie to me?’ I asked my reflection in my phone’s selfie mode.

‘No, no, he wouldn’t’ My amazon echo chirped from the corner.

‘SHIT! Then I better go on the down low for a while, get off the internet, you know? Listen, Amazon Echo, tell Horbie I’ve got to go into hiding for a bit? Okay?’

I turned off my phone. And my tablet. And I sat in my room.  Horbie was in his room too, but we haven’t actually spoken verbally since the Iphone X came out with their new telepathic-talk mode.

After a grueling 2 hours, I logged back in.

And discovered…today….

The FCC got sick of my shenanigans. and they are ending net neutrality.

I am sorry, friends. I hope you find it in your emojis to forgive me. I never meant to hurt you. I just hope someday you’ll forgive me…..AND ACCEPT MY FRIEND REQUEST ON FACEBOOK!

am i a hipster?

I don’t think I fit the hipster mold…

 

…or do i?

I don’t live in Boston, Providence, Portland, or any of the cool new england cities. I live outside of boston, because damnit, rent is too high in the city! (And everywhere else in Massachusetts….)

But I love the neighborhood of Jamaica Plain, and you can’t get much more hipster than JP. I mean, I’m pretty sure that place once had a dog smoothie store. Or did I just make that up in my head? Those false memories will get ya every time. what if most of my memories are all false? I’m freaking out! Pass me the kombucha tea! I gotta get my gut flora back in tact!

Anyway, here’s some stuff I do that maybe is hipster-y,

I bring my own bag to the grocery store. It’s a cloth bag and i got it from some discount bakery in maine, so it says Tastykake on it. I find it kinda funny.

I recycle plastic bags, when I do use them. I bring them back to the supermarket. Did you know you can recycle your plastic bags at the supermarket? I bet you walk by the bin every time you walk in. why arent you earth-friendly like I am??!

I buy organic produce, and I even grew organic vegetables this year. Yep…I know how to grow kale. KALE! The hipster’s beloved veggie.

I buy organic cotton bras, socks, shirts, and, most of all, I buy organic cashew butter. THAT STUFF IS GREAT.

I don’t have an ironic haircut. But i think that’s the new ironic haircut. like, i will try to start the trend of, ‘it’s cool to have a hair salon phobia and only get a haircut once per year’

Oh, I’ve also cut my own hair, using a youtube tutorial. it’s real fun. I recommend everyone try cutting their own hair at least 10 times before they die.

no, not once. once isnt enough. you cant get good unless you practice, ya know?

oh, and the number one reason I might be hipster?

I randomly stopped capitalizing sentences in this blog.

I haven’t felt like writing

I’m a bit….disillusioned by the rapid changes in American culture. Old people have historically complained about the younger generations being rude and lacking manners. So, keeping that historical perspective in mind, I’ll still utter this ground-breaking, earth-shatteringly POIGNANT, 100% original thought: We’re all so fucking rude now.

We’re disconnected and we were thrown into a cyberworld so rapidly, no one even knows what the rules ARE to follow! On the internet, you’re no longer anonymous like the old days, and you’d think that would mean we’d be kinder, but we’re worse. it’s partly because the overlords of social media, the zuckerbergs and the instagram dudes, want us to be connected 24/7. They admit this, and you can go google that (or duckduckgo.com if you dont want to be tracked) if you don’t believe me. It’s business for them. It’s the same way they convinced women to start smoking.

Ladies, you’re independent. You’re your own woman. Stay classy, stay strong, smoke camels.

Women didn’t start smoking until marketers realized you dont sway people with facts, you sway them with emotion.

You go girl. you won the right to vote. Now, win the right to die of lung cancer, just like any ol man can do.

But anyway, marketing controls our lives, and marketing controls the narrative. Now, we live in a world of constant outrage. What keeps you glued to your Iphone? Whilst you’re out at lunch with your child? Or in line at the market? Or at work? Fucking outrage, man! What did so and so write?! Louis CK did WHAT? Oh no, Trump is doing this or that now? did you see what Cheryl bobbins wrote on facebook?! Who is Cheryl Bobbins? Uhhh…I think she was in my 4th grade tumbling class??

I am tired of the outrage and disconnect. I am, quite frankly, tired of all your opinions. I’m tired of the vitriol. I’m tired of  how often Facebook makes its way into real life conversations. I’m just tired! Maybe I need more sleep.