Gratitude, or whatever.

One of my goals is to have more gratitude. It’s a big goal. Like you said, we have to start small. That’s also something that modern people have trouble with. We live in a world of instant communication, instant results, instant everything. It’s all fucking instant. So of course I’d expect to read a book on gratitude and buddhism and mindfulness and expect to wake up the next day as julie 2.0, all positive, all the time, in check with the present moment, never a negative thought to pass in the old withered brain.

It just isnt how anything works. Except in the movies. Nothing in the movies is realistic. Another reason i only like to watch comedy, but not comedy of today. I like politically incorrect 1980s humor. in comedy, no one is off limits. Okay, there we go. I’m grateful for comedy. I love stand up comedy, and wish I had the personality for it. Well, I used to wish for that. I really appreciate the art form. I love how a good comedy can make me laugh. I like to appreciate the time and effort that goes into a good comedy bit, a show like seinfeld, a good 1980s movie like Naked Gun or Airplane! hell, even that f’n movie White Chicks from like 2002 LOL. I need to rewatch that sometime. it’s so fucking ridiculous. I love ridiculous humor.

A lot of Youtube gurus say, turn off your TV, be enlightened. I say…hey, YT guru, can you share some of your ad revenue with me? Thanks. HASHTAG YOUTUBE CELEB HASHTAG GOOGLE ADSENSE HASHTAG HASHTAG follow me on twitter!

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a brief moment of respite

“Wait a minute, I am choosing to think about this. I don’t have to. It’s just a thought in my head.”

 

That lasted about 30 seconds. But damn. That was eye-opening. Imagine if i could eventually go an entire day living fully in the moment? Imagine no longer carrying around the memories of my past, at all times? What is that like?

We have our streaming thoughts, and they run wild. Well, they’re like this toy train I saw yesterday at the farm. It was just running, chugging along on its own. Giving no mind to anything else going on. that’s what my nonsense thoughts are like. It’s not really a conscious thing. It’s just a train of thoughts chugging along all day.

 

so, what’s my thinking brain, then? Something I control? something more deliberate? Logical? Something to tend to?

If my thinking brain is real, and my non-thinking brain (streaming thoughts) is real…..

I have two brains? Two minds? Then, who am I?

Am I the streaming thoughts that I dont control? Or the logical brain that attempts to shut down the unproductive thoughts?

Well, it’s all me. Whoever I am. I’m just an entity, part of the universe, like every other human. I’m not sure how to define myself anymore. What is the ‘self’ anyway? I wouldn’t even do half the shit I did a year ago. i havent morphed into a new person. but we’re not static. Even if you think you are, you’re not. some say people don’t change. In a sense, that’s true. We hardly ever sit down with ourselves, in silence, and try to find out who we are. so, it is definitely possible to just live your whole life, then feel like you didn’t do anything you wanted to do. for a lot of reasons.

I think I’ve made my point here. what, what was my point?

i deleted my facebook..again.

This time, I went a step further.

I changed my mobile number to my friend’s number. i deleted my number. he received the confirmation code, sent it to me, and i changed the number. then, i changed my facebook password to something crazy that i wouldnt remember. then, i requested for my account to be deleted.

it’s gone. unless i somehow convince my friend to give me a confirmation code, it’s gone in two weeks.

It’s only been a day, and i’ve gone 3 months without facebook before, but the difference this time, is that i wont be able to go back. i’ll have to create a whole new profile from scratch. and if that does happen, i can do it mindfully. i’ll only friend people i know. i doubt i’d use my real last name on there, but facebook is so weird about that shit. we’ll see. but, i’m not even considering this until may 7th, 2018, when i turn 33. HOLY GOD I AM OLD. okay, sorry.

In the mean time, i’m going to focus on things that actually make me feel good. i’m going to grow microgreens this winter, and see if i have a knack for it. if i do, i can sell them at farmers markets. that might be a pipe dream, i dont know. i like to start small. growing them for myself and for family is a good start. i grew cucumbers and tomatoes successfully, but my pumpkins failed. i know what went wrong, and i’ll be better prepared next year.

i’m going to amp up my spanish learning. i want to plan a trip for next summer, so i have a goal. a reason for learning. es muy divertido, pero ahora necesito hacer mas…

i want to learn piano..i’ve wanted to for a long time.

i also told myself, each day i go without succumbing to social media addiction, i will pay myself a dollar. so by may 7th i’ll have over 180 dollars, but i have no idea what i plan to do with that. maybe finally buy an overpriced american made watch.

anyway, we’ll see how i do. my mind already pinged a few times and said ‘whats going on in facebook land?’ wow. the brain is a tricky thing.

Organic cotton

I’ve known about organic food for awhile, but it never crossed my mind that our cotton isn’t organic, either. it used to be… but when quantity over quality takes over, it’s ‘normal’ for a company to need their cotton to be ‘resilient’ and spray it with all sorts of crap. it’s bad for the environment, sure, but no one ever thinks about how bad pesticides are for our human bodies. We also wear a lot of fake materials, like polyester. it’s because it’s so cheap, and we like to replace our wardrobes all the time..or do we? do we have a choice? clothing is cheap, it’s made to fall apart, like your iphone. we dont fix things anymore. you cant fix your phone. or your tv, and even your mother doesn’t know how to sew a button. so, why sew it back on when you can just throw it out and buy a new one for $15? and then throw that one out next year when it’s all faded and whatever.

organic clothing isn’t cheap. i’ve never in my life spent so much on clothes. I just was the type of person to go to Target and buy whatever the fuck was on sale. So, 4 dollar t-shirts and shit. i still buy Target’s pants because I like how they fit me. LOL. But they’re not 4 dollars, and they do last a decent chunk of time. Plus, i’m not perfect and neither are you. All we can do is try our best, don’t settle for mediocrity or ‘give up’ fuck that. i’m never giving up, in any area of life where i think i could improve. so, organic clothes cost more, definitely. also, i dont use credit. so, everything i buy, i buy it with the money i have in my checking account. so, i’m not rich. no shopping sprees for me. i buy things here and there. i just bought something organic, and of course the urge to buy MORE is so strong, but i just can’t. i’ll go down the rabbithole, and wind up spending lots..and it’s generally for a good ’cause’ my body should be covered in good materials, it is my fucking body, and i should take care of it. but i also live in a world where money rules my life. i wont put myself in a bad financial spot. so, piece by piece, i’m going the organic cotton route.

 

i still have some nice polyester shirts i dont want to give up. especially since they were gifts from my mom, and they’re nice shirts to wear to work. so, i just wear organic undershirts underneath, so the polyester isn’t touching my skin all day long. and i am trying to get away from polyester bras, but you’d be surprised how many bras are made from polyester. i cant prove shit, but i suspect covering your boobs in polyester all day every day isnt the ideal thing to do. but who knows? i just think environmental factors are playing a role in our health issues. so, i dont want to wear all this polyester anymore. i dont have to, and i wont do it.

there is a fine line between being conscious and being a snob. but i dont think i’m a snob. i’m probably judgmental. i am judgmental of ‘enviromentalists’ who drive SUVs, and throw out their IPHONE every year for the new model. Hello???? PLASTIC WASTE. unless you actually donate your used electronics, and even if you do, we would cut back on emissions so much if you just used your phone for a few years, or more. it wouldnt be created in an earth polluting warehouse, by child laborers, then shipped over to america, polluting the earth and our bodies by gas emissions, then you use it for a year, and it goes to a landfill so you can buy the latest model that has faster snapchat capabilities.

if we were more frugal and earth conscious, we’d keep the phones as long as possible. less plastic waste, better for the earth, and better for our bodies, because we dont breathe in as many toxics and pollutants….

anyway…i’m not sure the point of any of this. i just needed a good old elderly millenial rant

ted cruz, how could you?

From the tech savvy blog of Judy Roberts:

 

Dear friends,

As you know, Apple.com unleashed it’s latest IWATCHES and IPHONES. Now, I am no tech guru. My son, Horbie Jr, showed me the ropes, and now I type up all my hard-hitting internet blog entries on a tablet. Yep, a tablet! Now, I WANT to be hip and modern. Why?

Because I am a journalist. And in 2017, being a journalist means being on TOP of the latest social media and internet.com inventions! See, kids? some of us old timers are down with it! We aren’t afraid of change! Give me 4G data or give me death, I say!

Anyway. I THOUGHT I was ‘down with it’ and purchased a brand spankin’ new IWatch from Apple. The young human at the Apple store, named Stone Feather, showed me how to use this device. Boy, was I blown away! Literally! The door FLEW OPEN from a swarm of 10 year olds just out of school, with credit cards in their hands, ready to buy the IPhone 10. Oh, those kids! they love their gigabytes and dwindling attention spans. Oh, sorry, friends, i slipped into judgmental grandma mode there.

ahem.

 

Okay, I’m back, and HIPPER THAN EVER.

Anyway. Stone Feather surgically attached my IWatch to my wrist, since that is how the 4G signal gets extra boosts, and how apple can have better access to how my adrenal levels are doing. Isnt that sweet? If cortisol starts running through my body, IWatch pings me, and sends me some delightful news on my IWatch.com! Well, that’s what Stone Feather told me. I was so excited!

After Stone Feather finished the surgery (I guess he is a doctor who moonlights at the apple store??? he must love apple!) I went home, and went right to bed, eager to get a full night’s rest so my Iwatch wouldnt need to worry about my stress levels!

Sadly, My darling IWatch went into overtime on Wednesday morning.

PING PING PING.

‘YEs, IWatch?’ I uttered, half asleep, reaching for the bright little screen to alert me with some delightful tweets and cat memes.

I saw no such thing.

Instead, IWATCH told me that …..Ted Cruz viewed porn. HE VIEWED PORN.

 

WHY, IWatch?! why are you telling me this?! Are you a freaking hilary supporter? Don’t you dare show me Hilary tweets! Dont you-

‘Hilary Rodham Clinton was born on..’

‘IWATCH! I SAID DO NOT SHOW ME HILARY NEWs-‘

‘What Happened, the latest book from Mrs. clinton, reveals’

‘GET THIS WATCH OFF ME! GET IT OFF ME! I HATE YOU APPLE!’

‘Apple, we own your soul, and now, we even own your wrist. Give us your money. give us your soul. give us your attention span. By the way, Ted Cruz looked at porn.’

 

nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

 

 

Experian, how could you do this to me?

Dear Experian,

 

I am so disappointed. My heart is shattered. My knees, too. I know that isn’t your fault, but I think they’ve been aching a bit more since you broke my heart.

How could you do this to me?

 

I thought what i shared with you was private. You swore you wouldn’t show anyone else. You promised me that anything I told you would never leave your sight. (site?)

You lied.

YOU LIED!!!

 

After all we shared! Every year, I checked my stupid ass credit report on your site! You had all my info, Experian, ALL of it! How could you be so cruel?!!?

 

Uh huh, I hear your excuse. ‘It wasn’t my fault, I was breached by hackers’ Oh RIGHT!!! CLASSIC LIAR’S EXCUSE!! Breached by hackers! Puh-leeeeeze. We all know that you SOLD my information, we all know that ALL you alpha websites sell ALL our info! Facebook, Instagram, Target, all your alphas think you got it going on! Well, you know what? I’m so done with you! And so done with credit! That’s right. Take your damn credit report and stuff it into some broken javascript code on your damn ‘hacked’ website, or whatever you lame excuse was!

Debit ALL the way. my local bank would NEVER DO THIS TO ME. I am so moving on.

4 dollars cash back

I am a large hypocrite. Some might say i am a hypocrite of the highest magnitude. I am hypocrisy personified.

 

I used my credit card.

 

In fact, I used it twice.

 

I’ve grappled with the fact that america runs on credit. you can certainly get by without a credit score and a credit card. for years, I justified carrying a balance on my CC every month.

It’s building credit. It’s fine.

No, it was bullshit. It wasnt fine. I paid hundreds in interest over the years. That’s money i could’ve spent on all sorts of amazing things for myself, like 100% organic cotton t-shirts made in USA. I recently bought one, and some old lady accidentally stole it from me. that’s a long story…I’ll tell you another time.

Anyway, for the past year I only buy things I saved up for. It’s super insanely grandma-tastic. I wonder if my t-shirt thief is a saver? Anyway…

So, I went on a lil trip to Nashville..paid in cash. I bought organic cotton t-shirts and socks, paid in cash, bought a yacht…..LOL! just joking.

It’s not always possible. shit happens in life. accidents, medical bills, the inevitable collapse of western civilization. but not having a running CC debt has felt very liberating. all my money..is mine. Besides the chunk the government takes…and uhh..yeah. but still, discover card no longer takes a chunk.

But, what to do about my credit score? It will disappear in a year if i just stop using a credit card. Is that really what I want?

So, I am dabbling with using my CC occasionally, when Discover offers cash back bonus. now, this is some psychological warfare right here. Discover card aint dumb. they know my monkey brain will think..freeeee money!!! and go to restaurants a bit more often, or intentionally buy some extra stuff just to get the cash back bonus..so,  igot to override the psychological aspects. I have to be super super mindful of when i use that CC. so, I did use it as a restaurant the past month. so i got a few dollars back. that’s it. i’m not using it again. it was tempting, but no. thats how i will get in trouble.

i will dabble with this plan here ‘n there.

Judy Roberts confessional

I forgot the password for my Judy Roberts blog. She is my alter ego, and she is a wise, wise soul. I haven’t decided if she’s a millenial.  But here is what she wrote about the horrors of modern dating.

 

Swiping Whilst Crying: A Judy Roberts Confessional

Friends,

 

It has been a long time since I opened a google document and typed words to share with you. My internet.com stopped working for a month or so. I accidentally clicked on a FAKE invite to a game of Candy Crushers on Facebook.com. It was actually a terrible hacker who sent me this invite, and it caused my internet to not load for a month! My son, Horbert Jr, gave me his old macbook  because it’s from 2016, so it’s super obsolete now. Well, ol Judy doesn’t mind the old things! These kids today! In my day, we kept laptops for AT LEAST 3 years!

Anyway, so please excuse me, as I’m also acclimating myself to this macbook internet machine. It has so many amazing emoticons! Can you see this one? ::::;:

I hope so, it’s so cute!!

Anyway, I want to clear the air about some matters. So, I’ll post some of my recent fan mail, and answer some questions.

FROM: Agnes Harberby, Storesville, OH

 

Dear Judy,

Hi, I hope this letter reaches you well. I read your weekly column in the Fine American Woman magazine, but i noticed you have not mentioned darling Rannie Bob (your husband) lately. I hope all is well, but if all is not well, please keep your marriage vows in mind! I am not a judgmental woman, but I just want you to know I’ve been married since the Nixon administration (REST IN PEACE) and I kind of think divorce is a sin.

 

Yours,

 

Agnes.

 

Thank you for the letter, Agnes. No, I am not divorced. But, and please don’t judge my sinful soul too much, Agnes…but….

I went on Tinder.

Friends, PLEASE! Don’t give me that look! I did NOTHING! NOTHING, I tell you! Rannie Bob, my darling, DARLING husband, has been MIA the past, oh, let’s just say, roughly…10 years. He is my darling husband, but he spends so many weekends as an undercover reporter in Provincetown, and I just got fed up one night! I decided to just SCOPE the local hunk scene. I mean…!! I mean, i just wanted to do a bit of investigation of my own..for my single friends! Yes, that’s it.  My dear friend, Janice Harperby, is single and VERY ready to mingle! So I decided to see what kind of fine 70 year old hunkaroos are out there on the internet!

 

First, I said to my phone, ‘okay, google, load up tinder.com’

Nothing happened! Luckily, I was in line at Starbuck’s, and a young gentleman showed me the application store, and how to load tinder.com. So, that night, whilst sipping a bubbly glass of seltzer, and nibbling on a delicious snackwell’s cookie, I looked up gentlemen on tinder between the ages of 35 and 50.  Hey, nothing wrong with me dating a younger man..I mean…nothing wrong with my friend, Janice, who is single and ready to mingle, dating a younger man!

So, as I swiped right on hunks,  I….felt the tears rush to my face. I continued to swipe, and the tears kept flowing.

Swipe harder, maybe! I yelled, whilst pieces of snackwells flew out of my mouth

Swipe! Swipe! Right! Right!

Oh dear, a man who is wearing a Bernie 2016 shirt! Ew, swipe LEFT!

Right! Right!

It’s a match! It’s a match! It’s a match!

‘Hey girl, sup???’

My fingers twitched nervously. My emoticon finger (left index finger) was shaking uncontrollably as I tried to press this emoticon: %%%%% (I hope you can see that, reader)

 

But i couldnt.

I typed something else. I typed.

‘HOW DARE YOU? I am a married woman. You people disgust me!’

I immediately called tech support on my phone and asked them how to remove this vile dating app from my phone. Then, I went to Facebook and live streamed a video, calling out ALL the horrible people who use these apps! Truly horrifying, really!

Anyway, friends. I will never again venture to the dark corners of the Google Play store. Never again will my emoji fingers attempt to send a cute emoticon to an internet gentleman. I have my gentleman. His name is Rannie Bob, and i just dont know where he is right now.

Books I’ve read and that I think are books that are fine, fine books

Hi.

I’ve been reading books since I learned how to read at the tender age of 7 1/2. Look, I see your face. I see your expression. you’re thinking, how could such a FINE writer, such as yourself, not learn how to read until age 7 1/2?!

Well, dear reader, I don’t have an answer for you, but  I’d appreciate if you’d tone down the judgy look a bit. But anyway, once I learned how to read, a new world opened up to me. I was always getting books from the library, mostly fiction.

These days, i read a lot of self help.

….

Self help is a great category. It depends how you use it. I try to remember a few things.

 

1. No human has all the answers.

2. all humans are flawed.

3. Only I know what it is like to be me.

So, with these three keys in mind, I can read self help and keep myself in tact. And extract great ideas from another person. Everyone has interesting stories to share, everyone’s journey has been unique. I dont pretend i know it all, because i dont. every day, i surprise myself by learning something new.

Like what, you didn’t ask?

I’ll give you a list of books I’ve read recently:

Toxic Free: a book about how plastics and other toxics surround us, and poison our bodies and earth.  I learned that even my fucking bedsheets are toxic. (polyester) soi need to buy all cotton ones soon. once i stop being a cheapass and go buy them.

Fuck Feelings: This is a self help book by a therapist. He taught me that it’s okay to be someone with anxiety struggles. That navigating this horrid world whilst being anxious takes a lot of courage, and stop expecting to ‘change’ into someone who never experiences anxiety. ‘change’ into someone who prevails, even while battling bouts of anxiety.

Man’s Search For Meaning: this book by viktor frankl is one of the best self help books, for anyone struggling to find meaning in life. humans carry a burden other creatures do not- we need meaning in our lives. personal meaning, a deep reason for getting up in the morning. once we establish meaning, life gets a lot easier. we even can get through suffering, if we have a meaning to live.

 

Here’s some more. not all are self help.

 

Gift of Fear

Omnivore’s Dilemma

Despierta Con Cala (me gusta leer en espanol hahahahaha)

Freakonomics

The Psychology of Influence

Happiness Myth

Brain Warriors Way

Fiction:

Anything by Oscar Wilde, O. Henry, and the book Confederacy of Dunces.