The past

If the past is just a thought arising in the present

why does it feel so real?

It doesn’t exist anymore

and that past I imagine in my head, isn’t even the real past.

erosion, by time, memories distorted, to fit the present agenda

who were you? and who was i?

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Experian, how could you do this to me?

Dear Experian,

 

I am so disappointed. My heart is shattered. My knees, too. I know that isn’t your fault, but I think they’ve been aching a bit more since you broke my heart.

How could you do this to me?

 

I thought what i shared with you was private. You swore you wouldn’t show anyone else. You promised me that anything I told you would never leave your sight. (site?)

You lied.

YOU LIED!!!

 

After all we shared! Every year, I checked my stupid ass credit report on your site! You had all my info, Experian, ALL of it! How could you be so cruel?!!?

 

Uh huh, I hear your excuse. ‘It wasn’t my fault, I was breached by hackers’ Oh RIGHT!!! CLASSIC LIAR’S EXCUSE!! Breached by hackers! Puh-leeeeeze. We all know that you SOLD my information, we all know that ALL you alpha websites sell ALL our info! Facebook, Instagram, Target, all your alphas think you got it going on! Well, you know what? I’m so done with you! And so done with credit! That’s right. Take your damn credit report and stuff it into some broken javascript code on your damn ‘hacked’ website, or whatever you lame excuse was!

Debit ALL the way. my local bank would NEVER DO THIS TO ME. I am so moving on.

4 dollars cash back

I am a large hypocrite. Some might say i am a hypocrite of the highest magnitude. I am hypocrisy personified.

 

I used my credit card.

 

In fact, I used it twice.

 

I’ve grappled with the fact that america runs on credit. you can certainly get by without a credit score and a credit card. for years, I justified carrying a balance on my CC every month.

It’s building credit. It’s fine.

No, it was bullshit. It wasnt fine. I paid hundreds in interest over the years. That’s money i could’ve spent on all sorts of amazing things for myself, like 100% organic cotton t-shirts made in USA. I recently bought one, and some old lady accidentally stole it from me. that’s a long story…I’ll tell you another time.

Anyway, for the past year I only buy things I saved up for. It’s super insanely grandma-tastic. I wonder if my t-shirt thief is a saver? Anyway…

So, I went on a lil trip to Nashville..paid in cash. I bought organic cotton t-shirts and socks, paid in cash, bought a yacht…..LOL! just joking.

It’s not always possible. shit happens in life. accidents, medical bills, the inevitable collapse of western civilization. but not having a running CC debt has felt very liberating. all my money..is mine. Besides the chunk the government takes…and uhh..yeah. but still, discover card no longer takes a chunk.

But, what to do about my credit score? It will disappear in a year if i just stop using a credit card. Is that really what I want?

So, I am dabbling with using my CC occasionally, when Discover offers cash back bonus. now, this is some psychological warfare right here. Discover card aint dumb. they know my monkey brain will think..freeeee money!!! and go to restaurants a bit more often, or intentionally buy some extra stuff just to get the cash back bonus..so,  igot to override the psychological aspects. I have to be super super mindful of when i use that CC. so, I did use it as a restaurant the past month. so i got a few dollars back. that’s it. i’m not using it again. it was tempting, but no. thats how i will get in trouble.

i will dabble with this plan here ‘n there.

Judy Roberts confessional

I forgot the password for my Judy Roberts blog. She is my alter ego, and she is a wise, wise soul. I haven’t decided if she’s a millenial.  But here is what she wrote about the horrors of modern dating.

 

Swiping Whilst Crying: A Judy Roberts Confessional

Friends,

 

It has been a long time since I opened a google document and typed words to share with you. My internet.com stopped working for a month or so. I accidentally clicked on a FAKE invite to a game of Candy Crushers on Facebook.com. It was actually a terrible hacker who sent me this invite, and it caused my internet to not load for a month! My son, Horbert Jr, gave me his old macbook  because it’s from 2016, so it’s super obsolete now. Well, ol Judy doesn’t mind the old things! These kids today! In my day, we kept laptops for AT LEAST 3 years!

Anyway, so please excuse me, as I’m also acclimating myself to this macbook internet machine. It has so many amazing emoticons! Can you see this one? ::::;:

I hope so, it’s so cute!!

Anyway, I want to clear the air about some matters. So, I’ll post some of my recent fan mail, and answer some questions.

FROM: Agnes Harberby, Storesville, OH

 

Dear Judy,

Hi, I hope this letter reaches you well. I read your weekly column in the Fine American Woman magazine, but i noticed you have not mentioned darling Rannie Bob (your husband) lately. I hope all is well, but if all is not well, please keep your marriage vows in mind! I am not a judgmental woman, but I just want you to know I’ve been married since the Nixon administration (REST IN PEACE) and I kind of think divorce is a sin.

 

Yours,

 

Agnes.

 

Thank you for the letter, Agnes. No, I am not divorced. But, and please don’t judge my sinful soul too much, Agnes…but….

I went on Tinder.

Friends, PLEASE! Don’t give me that look! I did NOTHING! NOTHING, I tell you! Rannie Bob, my darling, DARLING husband, has been MIA the past, oh, let’s just say, roughly…10 years. He is my darling husband, but he spends so many weekends as an undercover reporter in Provincetown, and I just got fed up one night! I decided to just SCOPE the local hunk scene. I mean…!! I mean, i just wanted to do a bit of investigation of my own..for my single friends! Yes, that’s it.  My dear friend, Janice Harperby, is single and VERY ready to mingle! So I decided to see what kind of fine 70 year old hunkaroos are out there on the internet!

 

First, I said to my phone, ‘okay, google, load up tinder.com’

Nothing happened! Luckily, I was in line at Starbuck’s, and a young gentleman showed me the application store, and how to load tinder.com. So, that night, whilst sipping a bubbly glass of seltzer, and nibbling on a delicious snackwell’s cookie, I looked up gentlemen on tinder between the ages of 35 and 50.  Hey, nothing wrong with me dating a younger man..I mean…nothing wrong with my friend, Janice, who is single and ready to mingle, dating a younger man!

So, as I swiped right on hunks,  I….felt the tears rush to my face. I continued to swipe, and the tears kept flowing.

Swipe harder, maybe! I yelled, whilst pieces of snackwells flew out of my mouth

Swipe! Swipe! Right! Right!

Oh dear, a man who is wearing a Bernie 2016 shirt! Ew, swipe LEFT!

Right! Right!

It’s a match! It’s a match! It’s a match!

‘Hey girl, sup???’

My fingers twitched nervously. My emoticon finger (left index finger) was shaking uncontrollably as I tried to press this emoticon: %%%%% (I hope you can see that, reader)

 

But i couldnt.

I typed something else. I typed.

‘HOW DARE YOU? I am a married woman. You people disgust me!’

I immediately called tech support on my phone and asked them how to remove this vile dating app from my phone. Then, I went to Facebook and live streamed a video, calling out ALL the horrible people who use these apps! Truly horrifying, really!

Anyway, friends. I will never again venture to the dark corners of the Google Play store. Never again will my emoji fingers attempt to send a cute emoticon to an internet gentleman. I have my gentleman. His name is Rannie Bob, and i just dont know where he is right now.

Books I’ve read and that I think are books that are fine, fine books

Hi.

I’ve been reading books since I learned how to read at the tender age of 7 1/2. Look, I see your face. I see your expression. you’re thinking, how could such a FINE writer, such as yourself, not learn how to read until age 7 1/2?!

Well, dear reader, I don’t have an answer for you, but  I’d appreciate if you’d tone down the judgy look a bit. But anyway, once I learned how to read, a new world opened up to me. I was always getting books from the library, mostly fiction.

These days, i read a lot of self help.

….

Self help is a great category. It depends how you use it. I try to remember a few things.

 

1. No human has all the answers.

2. all humans are flawed.

3. Only I know what it is like to be me.

So, with these three keys in mind, I can read self help and keep myself in tact. And extract great ideas from another person. Everyone has interesting stories to share, everyone’s journey has been unique. I dont pretend i know it all, because i dont. every day, i surprise myself by learning something new.

Like what, you didn’t ask?

I’ll give you a list of books I’ve read recently:

Toxic Free: a book about how plastics and other toxics surround us, and poison our bodies and earth.  I learned that even my fucking bedsheets are toxic. (polyester) soi need to buy all cotton ones soon. once i stop being a cheapass and go buy them.

Fuck Feelings: This is a self help book by a therapist. He taught me that it’s okay to be someone with anxiety struggles. That navigating this horrid world whilst being anxious takes a lot of courage, and stop expecting to ‘change’ into someone who never experiences anxiety. ‘change’ into someone who prevails, even while battling bouts of anxiety.

Man’s Search For Meaning: this book by viktor frankl is one of the best self help books, for anyone struggling to find meaning in life. humans carry a burden other creatures do not- we need meaning in our lives. personal meaning, a deep reason for getting up in the morning. once we establish meaning, life gets a lot easier. we even can get through suffering, if we have a meaning to live.

 

Here’s some more. not all are self help.

 

Gift of Fear

Omnivore’s Dilemma

Despierta Con Cala (me gusta leer en espanol hahahahaha)

Freakonomics

The Psychology of Influence

Happiness Myth

Brain Warriors Way

Fiction:

Anything by Oscar Wilde, O. Henry, and the book Confederacy of Dunces.

My student loan can be forgiven!

Now, if only I HAD a student loan.

But this was the message I received on my phone today. Here is the whole thrilling story.

 

My phone rang. It was a Texas number, so I knew it was a spam call. Honestly, 95 percent of the calls I receive are spam calls. no one calls me. Sometimes i wish people did. it would be nice to receive a call. anyway. when i get a spam call i immediately just swipe to the…left? yes. and then the call goes to voicemail. which is prob also stupid because i am basically telling the spammer that my number works and to please feel free to keep spamming me.

anyway, the message said ‘your loan can be forgiven! blahblah obama’s 2013 loan forgiveness program blahblah’

 

I have never had a student loan. But this call was infuriating. I briefly considered going to cooking school (lol) a long time ago and i would’ve had to take out a 15,000 dollar loan. i didn’t go to that school. But i had nightmares for years about that loan. I dreamed I DID take out the loan, but forgot about it, and now I was being tracked down. and i am a huge cheap-ass so the idea of a 15,000 loan sends little jolts of panic through my frugal little bones.

so, that phone call reminded me of those dreams i used to have. stupid scammers. next time i should stay on the phone and just mess with them..nah, that isnt my style. i shall continue to receive these annoying calls and do absolutely nothing to stop them.

closure

Another myth is the notion that closure exists. A sad realization is that I seem to seek it, even though I know it’s not real. No one can give me closure. They can even say all the things I always wished they had said, and I will still feel empty afterwards, or even worse than before. Why? because nothing can change what happened. Words don’t fix actions. Words don’t fix the past. Why do we seek closure? because we are curious things. we like answers. we don’t like living with the empty void. And not having closure feels like a void in the soul.

The only way to achieve closure is to accept that it’s not real. The present moment is all we can really control, so, i suppose, achieve closure by closing the door to the past.

regret

Millenials are not allowed to regret anything.

 

I believe in the power of ‘now.’ Sure, why not? I mean, you can’t exactly change your past, can you? And what the hell is the future? The past and future do not exist. One USED to exist, one is…..uh….about as non-existent as a flying car. We’re never getting those, stop waiting for them.

 

But at what point does our obsession with living in the ‘now’ become a bit, well…unrealistic? Why must I never reflect on my past and say to myself..wow. I really fucked up there!

 

I have regrets. Every day, I live with a particular regret. I regret the excessive high-impact exercise I endured for about 6 years, ages 24 to 30. I regret not accepting that my body wasn’t capable of handling high impact sports. I didn’t want to accept that limitation. As you know, ‘pain is weakness leaving the body,’ ‘no pain no gain’ and insert other bullshit positive thinking posters/memes here.

 

But sometimes, you do have to just fucking accept that you can’t DO a certain thing. There is a lot of shame in admitting that we have limitations. But why? Genetic diversity is a thing for a reason. Do you want a world of all alphas? Or a world of all people like me, who sit online and write about their broken knees all night? Or a world of people who want to breed as much as possible? Or a world of only people who never want to breed at all? Fuck all of that. We are all different for a reason. And not in some stupid lovey dovey political campaign way. Don’t get me started..

 

It’s evolution!  I believe there is a reason why, in modern times, all sorts of people still exist. YOU NEED DIVERSITY. IT IS HOW A SOCIETY FUNCTIONS.

 

So, you DO need the people who arent athletically gifted. Who the fuck will build all the important tools whilst the athletic people protect us from the tribes trying to steal our Iphone 9.0 test models?

 

You need anxious people. If only risk takers existed, humanity wouldve died out a long time ago. And also, humanity would’ve died out a long time ago if only anxious people existed, because we’d all be huddled in our cave, taking deep breaths, pulling the cave blankets over our eyes and wanting better days.

 

Anyway.

 

Like i said, I regret the years of running. I knew it was bad for my body. I just did not want to accept it. I didn’t want to accept my limitations. But why not? Years have passed. I have learned new skills. I’ve learned gardening, and it’s been such a rewarding experience, that almost rivals the feeling of completing a 5K race at top speed. After learning how to grow crops, plant the seeds, and watch them grow, well, it does give me a bit of an endorphin boost. The same as running for an hour, outside, with music in my ears, faster with each mile, not giving a fuck about anyone else on the road, lost in my own mind? Okay, maybe nothing will top that. Except drugs. But i’m too scared to do drugs. Except booze and coffee.

 

But the point is, I am capable of feeling things, and having passions. So,if I had accepted my limitations early on, and found a new hobby…perhaps today i would be able to walk upstairs without excruciating pain.

old ass millenial

I am old as one of those controllers you used to play Duck Hunt for Nintendo.

That’s right, I’m THAT old!

But somehow, I am still a millenial. how is this so?

HOW?!

 

I dunno. I don’t write the damn rules ‘n regulations for this shit. Some random reporters from CNN, NY Times, and whatever else ‘news’ site made up the ‘rules’ for being a millenial. I just know that being born in 1985 somehow means i am a millenial. I mean, I got AOL before I was old enough to see Titantic without permission from my mother. I guess. I’m sure I could’ve just walked right into that long-ass movie without a peep from the bored 16 year old ticket taker. Listen, it was 1997, those poor ticket takers had to stand there for HOURS, without a fucking snapchat or instagram tweet to pass the time, ya know? #sobored #titanicsucks #isawwinsletsboob

anyway, my point is….fuck being a millenial. Remember when everyone hated the baby boomers? Yep, it’s true. The greatest generation hated those damn baby boomers! Oddly enough, i am fairly sure the greatest generation plopped those boomers out of their vaginas. Even the men. Little known fact, all men born before 1945 had vaginas. Okay, I am lying. But anyway. The greatest generation had deep, deep disregard for the free love, free college, free Uber rides (helloooo hitchhiking) boomers. And now, the boomers hate MY generation!

 

Listen up, boomers. You created us. In fact, two of you created our overlord, Mr. Zuckerberg. So how DARE YOU?!?!?!

 

i am sick of posting now

 

Poisoned on a daily basis.

Everything we eat is full of garbage. Corn and soy are subsidized by the government, so farmers have an incentive to grow the stuff. I am not mad at the farmers, it’s survival for them, at this point. But what is happening to our bodies? We’re sicker than ever. You might hear myths about how people didn’t used to live long enough to get diabetes and heart disease, but none of that is backed up by fact. It is true that you were waaaay more likely to die in infancy or childhood, but if you did make it out of your teen years alive, you were pretty much set to live a decent chunk of time. And without type 2 diabetes.

 

We cannot escape disease, it’s going to happen. But something is wrong with the high rates of diabetes, cancer, obesity and infertility. We’re eating garbage. We’re being poisoned.

We drink everything from plastic, that leeches into the water. All our food is full of too much soy and corn. Here is a Panera sandwich:

https://www.panerabread.com/en-us/menu-categories/sandwiches-panini.html#roasted-turkey-avocado-blt

 

Canola oil and corn starch are bad for you. Soy bean oil is crap. The bread is also crap, but you already knew that. But at least if the bread was actual multigrain that wasnt stripped of all the whole grains, it might have some benefit. when you strip away all the whole grain from bread, refine it down to a powder, then pump it with some vitamins, it is not the same beast anymore. we can break stuff down, but we arent good at building it back together. that’s why refined grains are so bad for us. Our bodies aren’t used to this stuff yet. As far as canola and corn…all crap.

I dont want to go off the deep end. because i live in a modern world with its many poisons, and i cant be perfect and avoid all of them unless i cut myself off from the world and live in a cave and have instacart deliver me groceries every week. but i can try to do my best to minimize the poisons that i encounter. I know every time i eat out, i am probably eating vegetable oils, or sugars, and stuff. but you know, maybe that’s fine OCCASIONALLY. i just dont want that to be the entirety of my diet, a bunch of crappy grains and sugars.

 

But i will conclude with this….

 

Americans and French were asked: When you think of chocolate cake, what word pops into your head?

French: Celebration

Americans: Guilt

 

So, there’s some…cake for thought. Why the guilt? perhaps a few diff reasons. We over-indulge, but also, we are always on diets. We put bad food on pedestals so we want it more and more. if we always make an attempt to eat healthfully, but eat a slice of cake at a birthday, that, to me, is a much healthier mindset. Whenever you put anything on a pedestal, you want it more.

sex

drugs

alcohol

candy

cake

 

Why? Dont do it to yourself. don’t sleep around, but you dont have to be a nun, either. don’t do drugs, but taking a tylenol when you have a raging headache is probably fine. don’t drink to excess, but a glass of wine once in awhile is fine if you can handle that. don’t eat candy, unless you’re at a party and you just have a few. cake shouldnt be a staple of your diet, but look, a slice at a wedding is fucking fine, get over yourself.

okay, i think i made my point here. wait, what was my point?