America 2040

Hello,

 

It’s me, Julie, or elderly millenial. I sure hate that term now. Just call me Agnes. Or Julie, since that’s my name….

I’m checking in from the year 2040! Wow, I can’t believe it, I’m typing on a blog again. In 2040, we don’t have physical laptops or smartphones. Our Tech Overlords lovingly implant microchips directly into our heads that beam our social media and text messages any time we press our Micro-Spots. My Micro-Spot is actually right below my nose..I’m embarrassed by that! I was totally wasted when I asked the robo-surgeon to implant it there, ugh!! Most people place their Micro-Spots on their favored ear lobe.

NOTE: in 2030, a wild rumor circulated around Facebook 2.0 that putting your Micro-Spot in your left ear meant you were a Trump supporter. Now, you might be wondering: Trump? In 2030? Now, I’m no math whiz, but he’d be at least 150 by then!

Well, you certainly are not a math whiz, but that’s okay, you don’t need to THINK or DO any mathy stuff in the future! Trump turned 83 years young in 2030, and he was still the darling dictator of America.com. (in 2028, the country was uploaded to Google’s cloud, so the activities of the inhabitants could be monitored. It’s about safety, ya know?! Definitely NOT about profits for our tech overlords. how dare you even let that THOUGHT enter your head! And what did I tell you about thinking?! It’s not necessary anymore! Let your robots and tech overlords do the icky thinkin’ for ya!

Now, anyway. The rumor about the left earlobe was just a vicious untrue LIE spread by 10 year old Ariana Grande Hofferbee via her group chat in Hologram Session 50B in Sector 5 of Google Cloud, Iowa city Iowa, USA.

These kids today! I mean, those kids of 2030! They were so unruly, always messing about in their holograms, never bothering to make sure their robots are properly given a good rub down with WD-40 every month! Even a robot needs a bath once in awhile. It is literally the ONLY chore these kiddos have to do, and they DONT do it. Some things never change, am I right, lameos from the year 2018? Do you people still, like, tweet and shit? LOL. (Yes, we still use LOL. But now it stands for Laughing Out Lilabytes) Lilabytes replaced terabytes. One lilabyte is equal to 50000 terabytes. So, we in the future can stream 10000000000000 episodes of The Simpsons (now in season 50) in as many hologram, cloud-enabled worlds as we want! Yes, we simply laugh when we look back at old videos (lol video!!) from 2018 on the Archived youtube hologram, located only in Idaho, for some reason….

Last week, I spent HOURS trapped in that damn hologram! I couldn’t stop watching cat videos from 2011. What is IT with your people and cat videos? Oh, we stopped keeping cats as pets. The robots kept shaving them. We couldn’t figure out how to fix the robo-glitch, so we just shipped all the cats to Australia. Since the great social media war of 2025, as you know, Australia lost BIG TIME and everyone had to leave, since they lost their WI FI access. And as you know, #givemewifioriammovingtocanadaiguess

Oh, wait, you don’t know that war happened yet…Oh dear. Well, I’ll tell you more about it later. …

So, you might be wondering what life is like in 2040, besides our Micro-Spots, endless amounts of streaming TV shows, and our new cloud-based reality.

Well, friend, I am here to tell you all about the future. Since 2040 is about 22 years in the future, you might even exist. I can’t tell you whether you will still exist, though. If I do, Mark Zuckerberg’s son, Overlord Mark Zuckerberg II, will deny me access to the best hologram in America.com, Orlando Florida! Forget DISNEY (which closed down in 2025 due to Mickey Mouse refusing to sell the business to Snapchat, so it could legally turn disneyworld into its latest Filter option)

Orlando is now the home of the ONLY Mcdonalds left in the entire cloud-based country! In 2031, all fast food was banned, which put 400 robots out of work. It was very sad for their robot families. However, a group of wild rebels re-created the Mcdonalds recipe in their kitchen, and opened an underground Mcdonald’s in Orlando. DO. NOT. TELL. ANYONE!

You promise?

Okay, thanks. Now, I will tell you lots more about the future, but…wait….Why is my microchip buzzing? Oh God, did you TELL someone about the Mcdonalds? DId you tell Zuckerburg II? That kid is a freakin’ tyrant! He’s going to shut off my candy privileges on Fridays! I better hid! I will hid under this antique pile of old smart phones my child, Horbie, uses as a fort! I will talk to you later…I HOPE

 

 

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could I write a whole book about video stores?

It’s 2018 at the time of this writing. I just put Netflix on pause. Later today, I’m going to help my mom set up a Roku player so she can cancel her overpriced cable plan. We’re going to sign her up for Hulu, too.

I am oh-so modern. I am oh-so streaming. I am an internet-based TV-watching kinda person.

So, why do I miss video stores? Why does my heart ache when I look across the store at the HR Block, which used to house Blockbuster video? (RIP)

Well, this isn’t a luddite thing. My nostalgia for video stores is not based around the fact that technology advanced our movie watching choices beyond whatever was available at the video store at the time you strolled in.

I figure I miss video stores for a few reasons.

  1. Video stores were at the height of their popularity and prestige during my formative years. Have you ever noticed that life ZIPS by when you’re over 30, and memories formed after 30 just start to mush together? So, I figure, my memories are so strong and sentimental because I was a kid. And everything was new when I was a kid, because *I* was new to planet Earth. Now it’s all the same old stuff every day.
  2. video shopping is an experience. My dad would take me to the Video Store, and who knew what would happen. would my movie be available? would I wind up renting something old that dad said was a classic, so i simply MUST watch it! He seemed to think all black and white movies were classics, just based on the fact that they were old movies. Hm.. Anyway. I miss the experience of going out with my dad to a video store and picking movies out. I miss the experience of not always getting what I wanted. That might sound crazy, but it’s not. Netflix is endless choice. ENDLESS. Sometimes it’s so paralyzing, I just end up watching The Office for the 100th time. And not always getting what you want can open you up to other possibiliities. Sure, that New Release (How Stella Got Her Groove Back!) wasn’t available, but dad said this old-ass movie was a CLASSIC, so why not give THAT movie a chance?!
  3. I miss rewinding movies. Remember the sound the machine made? Anticipation! No, we can’t even stand to wait for Netflix to Buffer for a nanosecond. HURRY UP, NETFLIX, And buffer up this episode of Whatever Netflix Original I Am Watching Today. #binge!!!!

Ultimately, I believe I just miss that childhood experience. I just have a hard time believing that my nieces will fondly look back on the days of scrolling youtube videos on their tablets when they’re 30. But who the hell knows.

I plan to contemplate this nostalgic a bit more. Please, stay tuned! Be kind, rewind.

Being somewhere else

I went somewhere else, and my mind came a little bit alive.

We were driving up a never-ending hill to some place in Martha’s Vineyard. MY mind wandered and twisted and bounced around. I guess I felt some level of anxiety. Ever since 2013, traveling has made me a little anxious. And this barely counts as travel- Martha’s Vineyard is an island off the coast of Massachusetts. The anxiety was nothing compared to how I felt on my flight to Rome. Sometimes I can’t believe my anxiety ever got that bad. I thought I’d never recover, but I have recovered a lot. Still…once I travel, the anxiety comes back a bit, but so do thoughts.

thoughts thoughts thoughts thoughts. Anxious thoughts? Thoughty thoughts?

I think about my dad a lot lately. I think it’s because I think about my own age and mortality a lot, and my dad is stuck in time. He’s 40 forever, but I’m not stuck in time. (yet) I keep marching closer to 40. closer, closer, closer. Soon, I will outlive him. I’ll be older than my dad. Because he’s stuck in time.

All dead people become stuck in time.

The world keeps changing, it’s barely the same world as the world he left in 2000. And the world will just keep marching on, but the dead just stay stuck.

Usually, I don’t felt comforted by ocean tides, calm noises, birds lightly flying ahead. I always think of this quote by some self help dude, ‘if you need to get out of your own head, go somewhere where you’re reminded of how small you really are in the world’ and he means you’re supposed to go look at the vast ocean, or go hike in the mountains…so I’d go drove my body to some ocean and stare at it. I’d still feel all wrapped up in my own head, the useless, ego-driven thoughts plopping around as the ocean ebbed and what not. Then I’d drive home and feel the same as always.

This time was different. I sat and stared at the ocean for about 20 minutes. It wasn’t boring. It just…was.

 

Well, anyway, time to lighten up this blog…

I just sneezed!

Increase your blog traffic in zero easy steps

A kind visitor (?) to my blog said they could increase the traffic to my blog. How kind. I am utterly dubious.

This blog is now a symbol of my dying love for writing. Or is it?

This blog is a symbol of my inability to write.

I used to think I would become a writer. A lot has changed since I aspired to write for the local paper. Look, it was 2003, keep your ‘does anyone even READ newspapers anymore?!’ jokes to yourself. Mostly because jokes making fun of the recent past are the easiest jokes to make.

Ipod? Okay, grandpa!

You want me to VIDEOTAPE you? Okay…grandma!

You want me to help you find your way back to your time machine, because you are a traveler from 1850 and you just spend some time on reddit and now you want to get back to your time, scurvy and all? Okay…..great great great grandpa!

Anyway, I think I made my point. Uh….Oh. Right. That I can’t write anymore.

I suspect that, perhaps, we just change over time, and there’s nothing we can do about it- Except complain incessantly to anyone who will listen.

Well, reader, that ‘anyone’ is you. Thank you kindly. Let me continue my whine.

I accepted that I won’t write anything groundbreaking or anything even ungroundbreaking. (i can invent words if I want)

….or maybe I just haven’t found the THING to write about.

Perhaps I can write about my inability to write. My lack of imagination. My feeling that I just don’t have enough time anymore, except, really, I do. I found time to learn Spanish, to learn gardening, to run road races back in the day (and burn off my knee caps in the process, but that’s another story)

But this feeling of having nothing to write is a new feeling. I don’t think it stems from depression, or sadness, or even from heartburn. Although, heartburn sure is annoying.

I suppose I am in a phase. Once, I had a low carb phase. I mean, low carb seems the way to go, but I sure as hell didn’t stick with it. The siren call of pizza was too much to resist. I do, however, have a delightful low carb book.

20170506_133050
beaming with pride whilst holding a low carb book. bread is the devil!

 

Another time, I had a pizza phase. And now, it is my ‘What the HELL do I write in my blog?’ phase!

It’s ok, my elders tell me, ‘it’s just a phase. You just haven’t met the right blog topic yet. ‘

 

 

Life is so long, life is so short

I accumulate more gray hair every month. It’s time for me to make a decision. Which personality should I take on?

 

  1. Going Gray Prematurely and Lovin’ it! (I could incorporate my millenial-ness into this somehow. Like, millenial women don’t MIND going gray, uhh..because…feminism or something? Take THAT, patriarchy.)
  2. HOLY SHIT I AM GRAY HAIRED AND WTF. Someone drive me to the fuckin’ hair salon, ASAP!
  3. Meryl Streep’s hair from Devil Wears Prada. I let myself go entirely gray, then get a strong, sarcastic business woman hairdo.

 

Hm. This is tough. Which option seems best? I do think Meryl Streep is pretty awesome, so maybe it’s about time I completely take on the personality of one of her movie characters. I don’t see how this plan can possibly fail.