Streaming anxiety

I have streaming content anxiety.

How do I pick? How do I choose? What should I WATCH?

The Roku screen lights up. My eyes dart from app to app.

Netflix?

Hulu?

Amazon?

Vudu? What even IS that?

The Roku CHANNEL? There’s a CHANNEL?!

When faced with too many choices, it is much easier to make no choice at all, or just pick the familiar choice.

Netflix, here I come.

Okay, why is a trailer already playing at the top of the screen?! I didn’t CLICK anything! Ah, I better click away so the trailer stops! Okay, it stopped.

WAIT, now ANOTHER trailer is playing! Stop! Stop playing this trailer from some Netflix original! Another Netflix original! I can’t keep up! I can’t watch ALL of these movies and TV shows, can I?

Hmm, let me scroll down a bit. What are these categories? Netflix has created so many categories for me! Cerebral slapstick femme fatale movies? What? How did Netflix come up with that category? What kind of algorithm created that? eh, let me keep scrolling.

Oscar award winning movies based on true crime stories from the Northwest in the year 1971? That is VERY specific, Netflix. I dont even LIKE true crime, but I did talk about a true crime case in my house yesterday with my friend..

…Netflix, are you LISTENING to my conversations? UGH, of course. But it’s okay. You offer me such wonderful entertaining for so CHEAP! I can forgive you! what would I DO without you? How did I LIVE before you? Okay, keep scrolling.

Ah, good ol ‘Recommended for you’ category. Wait, why are you recommending more true crime, Netflix? I told you, I don’t like true crime. Do you even know me?

And what’s THIS category? It’s called Netflix Originals You Will Love.

Why are you pushing Netflix originals on me, and why do you think I’ll love them?

You know what, Netflix? Stop it. Just. Stop. You offer me nothing but endless options. I am, quite frankly, OVERWHELMED by you. Just back OFF, will you? WILL YOU? NO, stop playing that trailer! Stop it! Stop pressuring me to watch everything!

I’m out of here! I’m done with you, Netflix!

Vudu, here I come. I need a change, Vudu. I need a big change. Don’t disappoint me.

 

…Wait, you have ADS? UGH!….

I wonder if Netflix will take me back…

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internet

 

I find the internet to be quite distracting. I’ll set down to write, and think, well, what’s going on with the news today?

click..boston.com!

huh, crazy news! Okay, back to writing..

write write write write- Wait a second. My brain wants to check out reddit! Just a quick peek!

Twenty minutes later..

Okay, back to writing! Wait, what was I writing about? My brain feels foggy now. Ugh! I need some music, I think. Pandora, here I come..

Which music station? Hm. What’s THIS station? No, no..how about this one? Ugh, forget it!

Netflix, are you beckoning? Shall I play a show in the background whilst writing? Sure, couldn’t hurt! Hmm. Wow, Netflix, you have SO many freakin’ originals now! Hm. I can’t decide! Too many choices! Ah, I’ll just watch The Office for the 10,000th time!

Wait, what was I writing? Eh. I’ll try tomorrow…

Maybe I should buy a typewriter. How can I be distracted then?

 

A very serious question. Please answer

It is the dystopian future. The year is….2019. But it’s MARCH, so we’re really talkin’ future here. The world is in chaos. Life has been upturned. We no longer have free access to NETFLIX. Our TVs imploded. Our laptops were taken away.

‘You will NO LONGER have access to the endless OPTIONS of entertainment that you have today. You never appreciated it, anyway! Oh, you think we didn’t notice how you SCROLLED right over the brand new Netflix originals? Or how you GROANED at how there is nothing interesting to watch? Even your TORRENTING bored you! ohhh, this torrent site doesnt have the movie I WANT to illegal download! Oh boo hoo isn’t life so hard?!

We’ve HAD IT! Now, in the dystopian future of March 1, 2019, you get ONE choice for a TV show. ONE! That’s even fewer options than your grandma had in 1956! At least she got to watch Bonanza AND I’ve Got a Secret!

so, tell me, what is the ONE show you wish to watch….FOREVER?!

FOREVER.

When you turn on a show. That’s the show.

When you are lonely at night, and want to drown out your thoughts…That’s the show.

when your grandkids are visiting and you’re sick of playing with them…That’s the show.

When you are 90 years old and stuck in bed..That’s the show.

Tell me now. Do not hesitate.

Write in your answer on the line _________________

 

Thank you. What is MY show?

The Office (US)

Runner up: Seinfeld.

Have a good day.

Sincerely

julie

21 years

I’ve had a 21 year long relationship. The past few years of my relationship have been tricky. You see, the first ten years were pretty great, ESPECIALLY the first 4 years. Oh boy, I was in quite the infatuation phase. I was young, and my parents worried about my obsessive relationship. ‘Don’t you have anything better to do? Why don’t you get some friends?’

Why did I need friends? I had my relationship. That was all I needed.

Besides, no one else understood me like my relationship understood me. No one else.

I remember the sadness I felt in 1993 when a neighborhood kid announced the existence of my future relationship. I knew my relationship would soon exist, but I would need to wait a few more years before my relationship became available to me. This was simply the price I had to pay, being born at that particular time in history. Later, my relationship would be available to anyone, at any time, whenever..

And that is probably how my relationship changed so much, for the worst.

Sometime around 2010, my relationship changed, a lot. My relationship became available 24/7 to anyone, and started to become obsessed with clickbait and selfies. Who was this relationship? Surely, this was not the relationship I fell in love with back in the 90s. What happened to the years of learning HTML, being so sad when dial-up went down, and being called a weirdo loser because I spent so much time with my relationship?

What gave everyone the right to take my relationship and CHANGE my relationship?

Such is life, I suppose. My relationship is poly now. I am not so sure this relationship suits me anymore. Perhaps it is time to move on.

I hear the fax machine is single and ready to mingle. beeep beeep beeep.

 

Videotape

A videotape from a forgotten time period,

carried from place to place

years slip by,

the tape is stuck in time

technology continues to eat me up

the march of the future rapidly approaching

faster and faster

the tape is stuck in time

it’s not even rewound

what is ‘rewound’ and what is ‘rewind’

the tape is stuck in time

the camcorder is long gone, festering in a landfill

with your old electronics. piles and piles and piles

of electronics, lovingly refered to as shit

old, so old, so lame now, oh, so lame

the tape is stuck in time

 

 

You haven’t written anything yet!

Hello,

This is you. I am writing to inform you that you have not written anything yet. You worry yourself. Why aren’t you writing lately? You used to love to write. You would often tell yourself that writing was your passion, your gift, your calling. You feel that perhaps you were wrong, or that you just went in a different direction in life. Or, perhaps, life went in a different direction. You feel you cannot relate to the world anymore. You wanted to write for a newspaper. Now, you don’t like to read the news at all. You feel the news must be click-bait, above all, and that is not true news. That is internet bullshit.

You are not a writer. You are a person on the internet who actually paid WordPress for a personal web address for a year. You thought, maybe you’ll make a few dollars off ad revenue. You felt slightly odd about that, because you feel ads are one of the things that is very wrong about the internet. However, you are still merely a human, and you dream about having a ‘side hustle.’ And, what would be your side hustle? Writing a blog! Of course!

You made zero dollars. You cancelled your WordPress plan.

Sometimes you write  a blog entry on Sunday afternoons. You use a few ‘tags’ so bots and other bloggers will ‘like’ your post. You wish they would actually read your blog. Sometimes they do. The bots do not. The bots are taking over the internet.

You miss the internet from 1999. You are out of touch. You are not evolving with the times. You need a new phone. You need a hug. You need to exercise more. You need some validation. You aren’t getting it from you. You will not fill your head with false ideas.

Perhaps you were not meant to be a blog writer. Perhaps you need to accept this fact.

You know, I always found you to be someone I can’t forget. You know, maybe it’s because…well….

I AM YOU!