A very serious question. Please answer

It is the dystopian future. The year is….2019. But it’s MARCH, so we’re really talkin’ future here. The world is in chaos. Life has been upturned. We no longer have free access to NETFLIX. Our TVs imploded. Our laptops were taken away.

‘You will NO LONGER have access to the endless OPTIONS of entertainment that you have today. You never appreciated it, anyway! Oh, you think we didn’t notice how you SCROLLED right over the brand new Netflix originals? Or how you GROANED at how there is nothing interesting to watch? Even your TORRENTING bored you! ohhh, this torrent site doesnt have the movie I WANT to illegal download! Oh boo hoo isn’t life so hard?!

We’ve HAD IT! Now, in the dystopian future of March 1, 2019, you get ONE choice for a TV show. ONE! That’s even fewer options than your grandma had in 1956! At least she got to watch Bonanza AND I’ve Got a Secret!

so, tell me, what is the ONE show you wish to watch….FOREVER?!

FOREVER.

When you turn on a show. That’s the show.

When you are lonely at night, and want to drown out your thoughts…That’s the show.

when your grandkids are visiting and you’re sick of playing with them…That’s the show.

When you are 90 years old and stuck in bed..That’s the show.

Tell me now. Do not hesitate.

Write in your answer on the line _________________

 

Thank you. What is MY show?

The Office (US)

Runner up: Seinfeld.

Have a good day.

Sincerely

julie

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21 years

I’ve had a 21 year long relationship. The past few years of my relationship have been tricky. You see, the first ten years were pretty great, ESPECIALLY the first 4 years. Oh boy, I was in quite the infatuation phase. I was young, and my parents worried about my obsessive relationship. ‘Don’t you have anything better to do? Why don’t you get some friends?’

Why did I need friends? I had my relationship. That was all I needed.

Besides, no one else understood me like my relationship understood me. No one else.

I remember the sadness I felt in 1993 when a neighborhood kid announced the existence of my future relationship. I knew my relationship would soon exist, but I would need to wait a few more years before my relationship became available to me. This was simply the price I had to pay, being born at that particular time in history. Later, my relationship would be available to anyone, at any time, whenever..

And that is probably how my relationship changed so much, for the worst.

Sometime around 2010, my relationship changed, a lot. My relationship became available 24/7 to anyone, and started to become obsessed with clickbait and selfies. Who was this relationship? Surely, this was not the relationship I fell in love with back in the 90s. What happened to the years of learning HTML, being so sad when dial-up went down, and being called a weirdo loser because I spent so much time with my relationship?

What gave everyone the right to take my relationship and CHANGE my relationship?

Such is life, I suppose. My relationship is poly now. I am not so sure this relationship suits me anymore. Perhaps it is time to move on.

I hear the fax machine is single and ready to mingle. beeep beeep beeep.

 

Videotape

A videotape from a forgotten time period,

carried from place to place

years slip by,

the tape is stuck in time

technology continues to eat me up

the march of the future rapidly approaching

faster and faster

the tape is stuck in time

it’s not even rewound

what is ‘rewound’ and what is ‘rewind’

the tape is stuck in time

the camcorder is long gone, festering in a landfill

with your old electronics. piles and piles and piles

of electronics, lovingly refered to as shit

old, so old, so lame now, oh, so lame

the tape is stuck in time

 

 

You haven’t written anything yet!

Hello,

This is you. I am writing to inform you that you have not written anything yet. You worry yourself. Why aren’t you writing lately? You used to love to write. You would often tell yourself that writing was your passion, your gift, your calling. You feel that perhaps you were wrong, or that you just went in a different direction in life. Or, perhaps, life went in a different direction. You feel you cannot relate to the world anymore. You wanted to write for a newspaper. Now, you don’t like to read the news at all. You feel the news must be click-bait, above all, and that is not true news. That is internet bullshit.

You are not a writer. You are a person on the internet who actually paid WordPress for a personal web address for a year. You thought, maybe you’ll make a few dollars off ad revenue. You felt slightly odd about that, because you feel ads are one of the things that is very wrong about the internet. However, you are still merely a human, and you dream about having a ‘side hustle.’ And, what would be your side hustle? Writing a blog! Of course!

You made zero dollars. You cancelled your WordPress plan.

Sometimes you write  a blog entry on Sunday afternoons. You use a few ‘tags’ so bots and other bloggers will ‘like’ your post. You wish they would actually read your blog. Sometimes they do. The bots do not. The bots are taking over the internet.

You miss the internet from 1999. You are out of touch. You are not evolving with the times. You need a new phone. You need a hug. You need to exercise more. You need some validation. You aren’t getting it from you. You will not fill your head with false ideas.

Perhaps you were not meant to be a blog writer. Perhaps you need to accept this fact.

You know, I always found you to be someone I can’t forget. You know, maybe it’s because…well….

I AM YOU!

America 2040: ‘dating’

ALERT!

Your tindar Mate needs attention

ALERT!

Your Tindar Mate needs attention

ALERT!

‘Shut UP, Alexo! I KNOW! You’re so annoying!’

ARGH! Ariana Grande Hoffman repeatedly pressed her Micro-Spot to make Alexo shut up. She used to be able to shut off  Alexo alerts with one press. Her Micro-Spot was now 4 months old!

Planned obsolescence, you’re a real pain in the ass.’ She muttered to herself, while thinking about the piles of old Micro-Spots sitting in a junk drawer in the basement. Every few months she made plans to call an Ubero auto-car to haul the Micro-Spots to the recycling center, but then she’d get distracted by something playing on the Google Hologram channel. Such is life.

‘Press 4 to continue your Rendezvous. Press 5 to send back to Tindar’

Oh, crap! I totally forgot you were here! Hey, listen, last night was fun, but…I’m just not ready for a relationship-‘

‘Press 4 to continue your rendezvous. Press 5 to send back to Tindar.’

Ariana Grande Huffman pressed 5.

‘Thank you. an Ubero will arrive in 4 minutes. Please place your Tindar Mate in the car upon arrival. Thank you, and thank you for using Tindar.’

Ariana Grande Hoffman sighed. She had to place this thing IN the car? But it’s got LEGS, and ARMS. Can’t the thing walk itself to the car?

‘Listen, uhh…Tindar robot thingy. You’ve got legs. You’ve got some great hair too. I personally requested that you resemble old timey celebrity, Tom Cruise. My grandma showed me some old movies from the 1980s with Tom Cruise she downloaded into her Micro-spot-‘

‘Thank you for designing me to resemble your favorite celebrity, Tom Cruise. I hope you enjoyed your time with me. Please assist me to the Ubero car. Please text 555 on your Micro-spot if you have any complaints or suggestions about your Tindar Mate experience. Thank you.’

‘you have LEGS. Walk YOURSELF. My grandma said that men walked themselves out of houses ALL the time! Why do I have to walk you to a damn Ubero?!’ Ariana Grande Hoffman’s blood pressure micro-chip set off her alert system.

‘Calm yourself, dear, your blood pressure is rising. Calm yourself, dear, your blood pressure is rising’ The soothing voice of her grandmother boomed throughout the house. Her Alexo’s voice was set to ‘Grandma mode’ whenever a health issue was detected in Ariana’s body.

‘FINE. Come with me, stupid robot.’ Ariana Grande Hoffman grabbed her Tindar Mate by the arm and threw him into the Ubero. The robot weighed only 4 pounds, despite being 6’4 and resembling 1980s Tom Cruise.

Ariana Grande Hoffman walked back upstairs. Her home was silent. She felt very alone.

Her Micro-spot suddenly beeped 5 times.

Activate hologram mode, she said aloud.

Alexo announced: ‘Your friend, Janice, just finished watching your Tindar Mate experience. She is going to spend the rest of the day scrolling through Tindar Mates on her Micro-spot. Would you like to watch?’

‘Sure.’ Ariana Grande Hoffman muttered. She got back into bed and pressed her Micro-Spot.

‘Life sure is great. How did people live before Micro-spots?’

Alexo did not respond.

America 2040

Hello,

 

It’s me, Julie, or elderly millenial. I sure hate that term now. Just call me Agnes. Or Julie, since that’s my name….

I’m checking in from the year 2040! Wow, I can’t believe it, I’m typing on a blog again. In 2040, we don’t have physical laptops or smartphones. Our Tech Overlords lovingly implant microchips directly into our heads that beam our social media and text messages any time we press our Micro-Spots. My Micro-Spot is actually right below my nose..I’m embarrassed by that! I was totally wasted when I asked the robo-surgeon to implant it there, ugh!! Most people place their Micro-Spots on their favored ear lobe.

NOTE: in 2030, a wild rumor circulated around Facebook 2.0 that putting your Micro-Spot in your left ear meant you were a Trump supporter. Now, you might be wondering: Trump? In 2030? Now, I’m no math whiz, but he’d be at least 150 by then!

Well, you certainly are not a math whiz, but that’s okay, you don’t need to THINK or DO any mathy stuff in the future! Trump turned 83 years young in 2030, and he was still the darling dictator of America.com. (in 2028, the country was uploaded to Google’s cloud, so the activities of the inhabitants could be monitored. It’s about safety, ya know?! Definitely NOT about profits for our tech overlords. how dare you even let that THOUGHT enter your head! And what did I tell you about thinking?! It’s not necessary anymore! Let your robots and tech overlords do the icky thinkin’ for ya!

Now, anyway. The rumor about the left earlobe was just a vicious untrue LIE spread by 10 year old Ariana Grande Hofferbee via her group chat in Hologram Session 50B in Sector 5 of Google Cloud, Iowa city Iowa, USA.

These kids today! I mean, those kids of 2030! They were so unruly, always messing about in their holograms, never bothering to make sure their robots are properly given a good rub down with WD-40 every month! Even a robot needs a bath once in awhile. It is literally the ONLY chore these kiddos have to do, and they DONT do it. Some things never change, am I right, lameos from the year 2018? Do you people still, like, tweet and shit? LOL. (Yes, we still use LOL. But now it stands for Laughing Out Lilabytes) Lilabytes replaced terabytes. One lilabyte is equal to 50000 terabytes. So, we in the future can stream 10000000000000 episodes of The Simpsons (now in season 50) in as many hologram, cloud-enabled worlds as we want! Yes, we simply laugh when we look back at old videos (lol video!!) from 2018 on the Archived youtube hologram, located only in Idaho, for some reason….

Last week, I spent HOURS trapped in that damn hologram! I couldn’t stop watching cat videos from 2011. What is IT with your people and cat videos? Oh, we stopped keeping cats as pets. The robots kept shaving them. We couldn’t figure out how to fix the robo-glitch, so we just shipped all the cats to Australia. Since the great social media war of 2025, as you know, Australia lost BIG TIME and everyone had to leave, since they lost their WI FI access. And as you know, #givemewifioriammovingtocanadaiguess

Oh, wait, you don’t know that war happened yet…Oh dear. Well, I’ll tell you more about it later. …

So, you might be wondering what life is like in 2040, besides our Micro-Spots, endless amounts of streaming TV shows, and our new cloud-based reality.

Well, friend, I am here to tell you all about the future. Since 2040 is about 22 years in the future, you might even exist. I can’t tell you whether you will still exist, though. If I do, Mark Zuckerberg’s son, Overlord Mark Zuckerberg II, will deny me access to the best hologram in America.com, Orlando Florida! Forget DISNEY (which closed down in 2025 due to Mickey Mouse refusing to sell the business to Snapchat, so it could legally turn disneyworld into its latest Filter option)

Orlando is now the home of the ONLY Mcdonalds left in the entire cloud-based country! In 2031, all fast food was banned, which put 400 robots out of work. It was very sad for their robot families. However, a group of wild rebels re-created the Mcdonalds recipe in their kitchen, and opened an underground Mcdonald’s in Orlando. DO. NOT. TELL. ANYONE!

You promise?

Okay, thanks. Now, I will tell you lots more about the future, but…wait….Why is my microchip buzzing? Oh God, did you TELL someone about the Mcdonalds? DId you tell Zuckerburg II? That kid is a freakin’ tyrant! He’s going to shut off my candy privileges on Fridays! I better hid! I will hid under this antique pile of old smart phones my child, Horbie, uses as a fort! I will talk to you later…I HOPE

 

 

could I write a whole book about video stores?

It’s 2018 at the time of this writing. I just put Netflix on pause. Later today, I’m going to help my mom set up a Roku player so she can cancel her overpriced cable plan. We’re going to sign her up for Hulu, too.

I am oh-so modern. I am oh-so streaming. I am an internet-based TV-watching kinda person.

So, why do I miss video stores? Why does my heart ache when I look across the store at the HR Block, which used to house Blockbuster video? (RIP)

Well, this isn’t a luddite thing. My nostalgia for video stores is not based around the fact that technology advanced our movie watching choices beyond whatever was available at the video store at the time you strolled in.

I figure I miss video stores for a few reasons.

  1. Video stores were at the height of their popularity and prestige during my formative years. Have you ever noticed that life ZIPS by when you’re over 30, and memories formed after 30 just start to mush together? So, I figure, my memories are so strong and sentimental because I was a kid. And everything was new when I was a kid, because *I* was new to planet Earth. Now it’s all the same old stuff every day.
  2. video shopping is an experience. My dad would take me to the Video Store, and who knew what would happen. would my movie be available? would I wind up renting something old that dad said was a classic, so i simply MUST watch it! He seemed to think all black and white movies were classics, just based on the fact that they were old movies. Hm.. Anyway. I miss the experience of going out with my dad to a video store and picking movies out. I miss the experience of not always getting what I wanted. That might sound crazy, but it’s not. Netflix is endless choice. ENDLESS. Sometimes it’s so paralyzing, I just end up watching The Office for the 100th time. And not always getting what you want can open you up to other possibiliities. Sure, that New Release (How Stella Got Her Groove Back!) wasn’t available, but dad said this old-ass movie was a CLASSIC, so why not give THAT movie a chance?!
  3. I miss rewinding movies. Remember the sound the machine made? Anticipation! No, we can’t even stand to wait for Netflix to Buffer for a nanosecond. HURRY UP, NETFLIX, And buffer up this episode of Whatever Netflix Original I Am Watching Today. #binge!!!!

Ultimately, I believe I just miss that childhood experience. I just have a hard time believing that my nieces will fondly look back on the days of scrolling youtube videos on their tablets when they’re 30. But who the hell knows.

I plan to contemplate this nostalgic a bit more. Please, stay tuned! Be kind, rewind.