All day, I am fine living in the ‘present.’ Sort of. At night, the past floods into my head. If I fall asleep at night, and wake up, the past is right there, demanding some attention.
I don’t want to think about the winter track meets in the year 2000. I always think about this time I fell down a snowy hill in front of a bunch of school buses full of track kids. And this time a kid brought a camcorder to the meet and started filming people. He said to me, ‘you look happy’ sarcastically. I always thought about whether I am on some random person’s dusty VHS tape in some basement somewhere. Or maybe the tape has been sitting in a landfill for years, next to the camcorder.
Why do I think about high school? I hated that place! Sometimes I compare my experience to modern day kids’ experiences. I am a ‘digital native’ but we had desktop computers, not handheld computers at all times. Would I give my imaginary kid a smart phone? It seems so weird to me to hand a child such a powerful, addictive device. Why do they need that? Is it just because society and marketing demand/command that your child needs the latest and greatest handheld computer?
I don’t even want to call cell phones ‘phones’ anymore. Only scammers call me!
Why can’t I think about the old timey prank calls we used to do? I only conjure up the memories that make me anxious. The human mind can be quite a pain.
Sometimes I try to switch to thinking about sheep jumping over a fence. Does this actually work for anyone? My sheep are blurry, and the fence is really low to the ground. The background is really dark (uh…like night time? LOL) and the sheep is all alone. Is it the same sheep over and over, like a GIF image repeating over and over, or am I picturing a hoard of sheep, leaping over a fence, never to be seen again by my brain?
The sheep(s) seem to distract my head from the onslaught of Past Memories, but is that good enough?
Must it be so hard to be a humanoid?
Ok, time for work. The sheep need a break from jumping over a fence post all night.