Transitory

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Everything suddenly changes. Sometimes I forget that. Sometimes it feels like nothing is ever changing,and I think, NOTHING CHANGES! Then, something will happen. Suddenly. ABRUPTLY.

Half of my department at work has quit, or decided to retire, within a 2 month timespan.

My niece almost choked on a mint the other day. An hour earlier, my sister was talking about how her kids never choked on food. Then, her kid chokes on food.

Things happen, but it still feels hard for my brain to grasp that things will change. My brain seems to think, business as usual! I just read an article about a man who got diagnosed with cancer, and then died a day later. It’s not common for that to happen…but it happens. And anything can happen ‘just like that’ so why don’t I REALIZE it, and live sooooo fully?

I guess I can blame my evolutionary wiring. What good would it be if I ‘lived to the fullest’ as a 33 year old cavewoman who needed to help make sure the damn tribe gets fed everyday? Sorry, tribespeeps, I’m done with this hunting and gathering shit. I’m off to travel Europe and find myself! Hit me up on Facebook if ya wanna keep in touch!

Well, anyway. Life changes. But sometimes, you gotta make the ‘change’…And that’s been my mission the past year or so. I’ve forced myself to stop viewing myself as shy, even if I am ‘shy’ it barely fucking matters. I cant use that as a crutch. Shy people can do anything outgoing ppl do, they just feel..SHY…when they do it! And not forever. I was shy when I first joined my garden club at work..Hell, I felt so socially awkward. But eventually, the feelings went away. And I love the garden club. It’s been great, and changed my life. But I had to ‘change’ in order to get myself to even go.

I’ve also struggled to quit other things, but it gets easier. But sometimes I ‘relapse’ like, I really wanted to go on Facebook today and look up people from my distant past. It’s not like I am some all-wise, totes perfect humanoid. Shit can be tough. But I won’t beat myself up for a relapse. Just can’t make it part of my identity. I’m not someone who sits on Facebook all day and hurts my brain. I’m someone who maybe struggles with that, but it isn’t ME….Wow, CBT much?! Well, it’s true. I don’t really believe in a fixed personal identity anymore. We have fixed traits, I think, but all of our life experiences morph our brains so much, it is sort of nuts to think I’m 100% the same as ..even last year. Because last week, one of my coworkers didnt quit. Now she has. And it set off a bit of a ‘change’ at work, and for me, so now I am ‘changed’

Anyway, it’s Sunday, so I am feelin’ pensive, and wanted to write.

Oh, and my niece? She’s fine. my sister did the heimlich on her. Then I took a CPR course with my sister the next day. I’m certified in CPR for no real reason at all. It’s really great.

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3 comments

  1. Things are changing over here too, just after I concluded that there was no way things were ever gonna change, period. And it was a huge change and completely unexpected. It was so unexpected that for awhile I denied it was even happening. I still don’t believe its actually happening. I’m glad your niece is OK. I had an urge to do the same on Facebook this past weekend. I could have sworn I heard your voice in my head from a former comment you made on one of my posts. I passed, THIS time.

    Like

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