‘Hello? HELLO!? INTERNET?! Are you there?!! Siri, this is Judy Roberts. Siri, pull up the internet! I command you!’
‘Hello internet user JUDY ROBERTS. In order to use Siri, please swipe your debit card. Each Siri command will cost 5 bitcoins.’
‘WHAT?! WHAT?!’ WHAT?!’
‘Mom, are you okay?!’
My darling son, Horbert Jr, found me face first on my Ipad, gasping, clutching my pearls (i had my smart phone in my left hand and I was clutching my virtual pearls in Candy Crush) and moaning ‘nooo, net neturality, nooo’ to myself.
You see, today, the internet.com has changed forever. I was informed by DRUMPF_fackoff on Youtube (Is Drumph a Scottish last name?) that the FCC decided to kill the internet. I got a bit worried, and wondered if I played a role in the internet’s death. You see, i have a dark confession to make. And I just pray that you reserve your judgment. Only God can judge me, you see! And my swath of loving Facebook friends. All 540 of them love me deeply, but YOU, dear reader, have NOT accepted my friend request. Yes, you think I dont NOTICE?! You think I don’t NOTICE the ‘friend request’ pending message every time I load up my internet and go on facebook.com?! You..you…you….ahem. Excuse me. What was I saying? Oh, right, I was telling you how I single-handedly repealed net neutrality via my devious internet actions.
Friends, I strive to be a loving, law abiding citizen, but you people are nuts today, and I simply must get my thoughts out there. I cant simply co-exist with you loonbags and NOT load up my Ipad and spew my vitriol on Youtube, Facebook, Snapchat (I use a cute doggie face filter during my political rants, so the kiddies can watch too) Twitter, Cnn.com, and my mother-in-law’s email account. Yes, I am not afraid to tell my mother in law how I feel about her Obama 2008 sign that is STILL rotting away on her front lawn. Get with the times, Agnes!
But anyway. As you may know, my husband, Rannie Bob, is rarely home. He is unlike typical men, you see. My Rannie Bob loves to work, work, work, work…and well, work. So, he is rarely home, and I am left to my own..devices. LITERALLY! HAHA! I gather up my:
and Idog (I am allergic to dog fur, it makes me break out in feminist thought)
and I hit my basement for hours and hours of
Debating with strangers
Debating with my grandmother
debating with your grandmother
debating with a guy named Farts_MGTOW on Youtube
Posting political memes on Pinterest
Sending mass emails to my son’s school administrative leaders, calling them Libtards
Watching endless amounts of Alex Jones videos, then getting confused and watching endless amounts of CNN videos, and then accidentally deleting Internet Explorer somehow and then wondering how I even got internet explorer on my Ipad. Is this an Ipad? Horbie, did you lie to me?! Is this a knock off?!! Is it from CHINA?! What do you mean all electronics are made in China? ARE YOU A COMMIE, MY SON?
And, well, you see, I have my fingers in all corners of the internet. And one day, yesterday, at approximately 3:30 AM, my hand vibrated.
‘Goodness, that’s my cell phone hand. Who could be tweeting me at this house?’ I typed to myself in my other hand (My tablet hand)
MGTOW_TRUMP_ALTRIGHT_DANKMEME2018: @Judy_saves_america, bitch, you are the reason the internet is a shithole now. If the world ends tomorrow, it is your fault.
I dropped my phone and my tablet in shock. Is what this man wrote…true?
‘Would MGTOW_TRUMP_ALTRIGHT_DANKMEME2018 ever lie to me?’ I asked my reflection in my phone’s selfie mode.
‘No, no, he wouldn’t’ My amazon echo chirped from the corner.
‘SHIT! Then I better go on the down low for a while, get off the internet, you know? Listen, Amazon Echo, tell Horbie I’ve got to go into hiding for a bit? Okay?’
I turned off my phone. And my tablet. And I sat in my room. Horbie was in his room too, but we haven’t actually spoken verbally since the Iphone X came out with their new telepathic-talk mode.
After a grueling 2 hours, I logged back in.
The FCC got sick of my shenanigans. and they are ending net neutrality.
I am sorry, friends. I hope you find it in your emojis to forgive me. I never meant to hurt you. I just hope someday you’ll forgive me…..AND ACCEPT MY FRIEND REQUEST ON FACEBOOK!