From the tech savvy blog of Judy Roberts:
As you know, Apple.com unleashed it’s latest IWATCHES and IPHONES. Now, I am no tech guru. My son, Horbie Jr, showed me the ropes, and now I type up all my hard-hitting internet blog entries on a tablet. Yep, a tablet! Now, I WANT to be hip and modern. Why?
Because I am a journalist. And in 2017, being a journalist means being on TOP of the latest social media and internet.com inventions! See, kids? some of us old timers are down with it! We aren’t afraid of change! Give me 4G data or give me death, I say!
Anyway. I THOUGHT I was ‘down with it’ and purchased a brand spankin’ new IWatch from Apple. The young human at the Apple store, named Stone Feather, showed me how to use this device. Boy, was I blown away! Literally! The door FLEW OPEN from a swarm of 10 year olds just out of school, with credit cards in their hands, ready to buy the IPhone 10. Oh, those kids! they love their gigabytes and dwindling attention spans. Oh, sorry, friends, i slipped into judgmental grandma mode there.
Okay, I’m back, and HIPPER THAN EVER.
Anyway. Stone Feather surgically attached my IWatch to my wrist, since that is how the 4G signal gets extra boosts, and how apple can have better access to how my adrenal levels are doing. Isnt that sweet? If cortisol starts running through my body, IWatch pings me, and sends me some delightful news on my IWatch.com! Well, that’s what Stone Feather told me. I was so excited!
After Stone Feather finished the surgery (I guess he is a doctor who moonlights at the apple store??? he must love apple!) I went home, and went right to bed, eager to get a full night’s rest so my Iwatch wouldnt need to worry about my stress levels!
Sadly, My darling IWatch went into overtime on Wednesday morning.
PING PING PING.
‘YEs, IWatch?’ I uttered, half asleep, reaching for the bright little screen to alert me with some delightful tweets and cat memes.
I saw no such thing.
Instead, IWATCH told me that …..Ted Cruz viewed porn. HE VIEWED PORN.
WHY, IWatch?! why are you telling me this?! Are you a freaking hilary supporter? Don’t you dare show me Hilary tweets! Dont you-
‘Hilary Rodham Clinton was born on..’
‘IWATCH! I SAID DO NOT SHOW ME HILARY NEWs-‘
‘What Happened, the latest book from Mrs. clinton, reveals’
‘GET THIS WATCH OFF ME! GET IT OFF ME! I HATE YOU APPLE!’
‘Apple, we own your soul, and now, we even own your wrist. Give us your money. give us your soul. give us your attention span. By the way, Ted Cruz looked at porn.’