I am a millenial, I think. My name is Julie, and I was born in 1985. According to Tumblr.com, I am somehow a millenial. This perplexes my aged soul, because I was born before the Berlin wall fell down, and I CLEARLY remember using a home phone, so how am I millenial?! Oh well, facts are facts. tumblr NEVER lies. It is basically the website where I get ALL my information about life.
I’m here to give you some helpful tips on how to survive this crazy, internet-obsessed, Facebook loving world of 2017. Kids, circle around. I’m an old woman, and I’ve got some damn wisdom to share with ya.
PUT DOWN YOUR FUCKING PHONE,BOBBY! Could you go ONE minute without snap chatting?! Could you?! You freaking millenials! Oh, wait, I’m a millenial, too. Well, I’m an old millenial. Anyway.
The key to remaining happy and not exploding into a fit of rage is very simple.
Pretend it is 1993.
Every day, I try to set aside a few minutes to pretend it is 1993. Today, I drove home, and I didn’t ONCE pick up my phone at a red light and stare at it, hoping someone, anyone, had sent me a message. oh just anyone. Anyone out there? Hello? No messages?! No one likes me!?! no one cares?!?!! ahem…
It gives you clarity, and peace of mind, to take a drive to the market and not once check your phone.
Every day, I go for a walk without a cell phone.
Is anyone calling me? I mean, is anyone texting me? I mean, my phone is upstairs…shit. What if I am missing an important text?1 fuck! I am so irresponsible! I am …oh god, what if …I better go get my phone!
Every day, I sit by the ocean, and I listen to the calm waves, crashing, retreating, crashing. The seagulls flying by me, the cars swooshing by the boardwalk, the twinkling of the stars mesmerize me, the banter of kids eating outside at the clam shack……BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP….oh shit. A group text. Shit. I better check that, right? I mean, what if someone is…hurt, or something ? I mean, it is just rude for me not to look, right? Oh, I am being silly. I am enjoying this time to myself- bEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP.. wow, four messages? jeez, someone could be in the hospital or something! I have to look..I will look. this seems serious!
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FUCK MY LIFE.
It’s hopeless, friends. The past is over. The past is gone. BEEP BEEP BEEP