I’m so sick of lean cuisine.

I’m so tired of bullshit pseudo-food.

I’m tired of how women were sold this idea that ‘low fat’ is best. I’m tired of weight obsession. I’m tired of sugar-laden non-foods saturating the supermarket aisles. I’m sick of it! It needs to end! IT ENDS TODAY!


EAT BACON. Eat eggs. Eat cheese. Drink milk. Throw out your granola bars. Throw out the yoplait swetened yogurts. Burn your skinny cow ice cream pops. (somehow) Toss your freaking rice cakes into the fucking wood chipper. Hurl your fucking slimfast shakes into the fucking dumpster. Goodbye, fake food, goodbye forever. You were bullshit from day one. But we were fed bullshit. And as you know, bullshit has a way of stickin’ around. I give the evil eye to Fruit Loops on a DAILY BASIS in the supermarket, but do those damn Fruit Loops VAMOOSE? Nope. They don’t. (Please dont judge me for spending my nights prowling a cereal aisle. A girl’s gotta do somethin’ with her time besides watch Seinfeld on repeat)


Anyway. Women, we need to band together, and fight back against all the bullshit we’ve been fed since we were born. I have memorized the SLimfast slogan. It goes like this:



What does that even MEAN? On what freaking planet does it seem sane to ‘eat’ shakes for TWO meals? And what ARE these shakes? Chemical laden sugar-filled nonsense liquids! Oh, sounds SO healthy! Yes, that is truly a lifelong diet I can stick to! Why, gather ’round,grandkids, lemme tell you ’bout how I got hooked on this lovely 2-shakes a day lifestyle. jonny, pass me my slimfast before I start, would ya? mmmm!!! Chemicals!!




Low fat is bullshit. Eat fat. Don’t eat a lot of sugar. Eat lots of veggies, too. Maybe only go on a bender once per year. The results will be fabulous.


Yours truly,

elderly millenial.


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