internet

 

I find the internet to be quite distracting. I’ll set down to write, and think, well, what’s going on with the news today?

click..boston.com!

huh, crazy news! Okay, back to writing..

write write write write- Wait a second. My brain wants to check out reddit! Just a quick peek!

Twenty minutes later..

Okay, back to writing! Wait, what was I writing about? My brain feels foggy now. Ugh! I need some music, I think. Pandora, here I come..

Which music station? Hm. What’s THIS station? No, no..how about this one? Ugh, forget it!

Netflix, are you beckoning? Shall I play a show in the background whilst writing? Sure, couldn’t hurt! Hmm. Wow, Netflix, you have SO many freakin’ originals now! Hm. I can’t decide! Too many choices! Ah, I’ll just watch The Office for the 10,000th time!

Wait, what was I writing? Eh. I’ll try tomorrow…

Maybe I should buy a typewriter. How can I be distracted then?

 

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A very serious question. Please answer

It is the dystopian future. The year is….2019. But it’s MARCH, so we’re really talkin’ future here. The world is in chaos. Life has been upturned. We no longer have free access to NETFLIX. Our TVs imploded. Our laptops were taken away.

‘You will NO LONGER have access to the endless OPTIONS of entertainment that you have today. You never appreciated it, anyway! Oh, you think we didn’t notice how you SCROLLED right over the brand new Netflix originals? Or how you GROANED at how there is nothing interesting to watch? Even your TORRENTING bored you! ohhh, this torrent site doesnt have the movie I WANT to illegal download! Oh boo hoo isn’t life so hard?!

We’ve HAD IT! Now, in the dystopian future of March 1, 2019, you get ONE choice for a TV show. ONE! That’s even fewer options than your grandma had in 1956! At least she got to watch Bonanza AND I’ve Got a Secret!

so, tell me, what is the ONE show you wish to watch….FOREVER?!

FOREVER.

When you turn on a show. That’s the show.

When you are lonely at night, and want to drown out your thoughts…That’s the show.

when your grandkids are visiting and you’re sick of playing with them…That’s the show.

When you are 90 years old and stuck in bed..That’s the show.

Tell me now. Do not hesitate.

Write in your answer on the line _________________

 

Thank you. What is MY show?

The Office (US)

Runner up: Seinfeld.

Have a good day.

Sincerely

julie

21 years

I’ve had a 21 year long relationship. The past few years of my relationship have been tricky. You see, the first ten years were pretty great, ESPECIALLY the first 4 years. Oh boy, I was in quite the infatuation phase. I was young, and my parents worried about my obsessive relationship. ‘Don’t you have anything better to do? Why don’t you get some friends?’

Why did I need friends? I had my relationship. That was all I needed.

Besides, no one else understood me like my relationship understood me. No one else.

I remember the sadness I felt in 1993 when a neighborhood kid announced the existence of my future relationship. I knew my relationship would soon exist, but I would need to wait a few more years before my relationship became available to me. This was simply the price I had to pay, being born at that particular time in history. Later, my relationship would be available to anyone, at any time, whenever..

And that is probably how my relationship changed so much, for the worst.

Sometime around 2010, my relationship changed, a lot. My relationship became available 24/7 to anyone, and started to become obsessed with clickbait and selfies. Who was this relationship? Surely, this was not the relationship I fell in love with back in the 90s. What happened to the years of learning HTML, being so sad when dial-up went down, and being called a weirdo loser because I spent so much time with my relationship?

What gave everyone the right to take my relationship and CHANGE my relationship?

Such is life, I suppose. My relationship is poly now. I am not so sure this relationship suits me anymore. Perhaps it is time to move on.

I hear the fax machine is single and ready to mingle. beeep beeep beeep.

 

Videotape

A videotape from a forgotten time period,

carried from place to place

years slip by,

the tape is stuck in time

technology continues to eat me up

the march of the future rapidly approaching

faster and faster

the tape is stuck in time

it’s not even rewound

what is ‘rewound’ and what is ‘rewind’

the tape is stuck in time

the camcorder is long gone, festering in a landfill

with your old electronics. piles and piles and piles

of electronics, lovingly refered to as shit

old, so old, so lame now, oh, so lame

the tape is stuck in time

 

 

You haven’t written anything yet!

Hello,

This is you. I am writing to inform you that you have not written anything yet. You worry yourself. Why aren’t you writing lately? You used to love to write. You would often tell yourself that writing was your passion, your gift, your calling. You feel that perhaps you were wrong, or that you just went in a different direction in life. Or, perhaps, life went in a different direction. You feel you cannot relate to the world anymore. You wanted to write for a newspaper. Now, you don’t like to read the news at all. You feel the news must be click-bait, above all, and that is not true news. That is internet bullshit.

You are not a writer. You are a person on the internet who actually paid WordPress for a personal web address for a year. You thought, maybe you’ll make a few dollars off ad revenue. You felt slightly odd about that, because you feel ads are one of the things that is very wrong about the internet. However, you are still merely a human, and you dream about having a ‘side hustle.’ And, what would be your side hustle? Writing a blog! Of course!

You made zero dollars. You cancelled your WordPress plan.

Sometimes you write  a blog entry on Sunday afternoons. You use a few ‘tags’ so bots and other bloggers will ‘like’ your post. You wish they would actually read your blog. Sometimes they do. The bots do not. The bots are taking over the internet.

You miss the internet from 1999. You are out of touch. You are not evolving with the times. You need a new phone. You need a hug. You need to exercise more. You need some validation. You aren’t getting it from you. You will not fill your head with false ideas.

Perhaps you were not meant to be a blog writer. Perhaps you need to accept this fact.

You know, I always found you to be someone I can’t forget. You know, maybe it’s because…well….

I AM YOU!

America 2040: ‘dating’

ALERT!

Your tindar Mate needs attention

ALERT!

Your Tindar Mate needs attention

ALERT!

‘Shut UP, Alexo! I KNOW! You’re so annoying!’

ARGH! Ariana Grande Hoffman repeatedly pressed her Micro-Spot to make Alexo shut up. She used to be able to shut off  Alexo alerts with one press. Her Micro-Spot was now 4 months old!

Planned obsolescence, you’re a real pain in the ass.’ She muttered to herself, while thinking about the piles of old Micro-Spots sitting in a junk drawer in the basement. Every few months she made plans to call an Ubero auto-car to haul the Micro-Spots to the recycling center, but then she’d get distracted by something playing on the Google Hologram channel. Such is life.

‘Press 4 to continue your Rendezvous. Press 5 to send back to Tindar’

Oh, crap! I totally forgot you were here! Hey, listen, last night was fun, but…I’m just not ready for a relationship-‘

‘Press 4 to continue your rendezvous. Press 5 to send back to Tindar.’

Ariana Grande Huffman pressed 5.

‘Thank you. an Ubero will arrive in 4 minutes. Please place your Tindar Mate in the car upon arrival. Thank you, and thank you for using Tindar.’

Ariana Grande Hoffman sighed. She had to place this thing IN the car? But it’s got LEGS, and ARMS. Can’t the thing walk itself to the car?

‘Listen, uhh…Tindar robot thingy. You’ve got legs. You’ve got some great hair too. I personally requested that you resemble old timey celebrity, Tom Cruise. My grandma showed me some old movies from the 1980s with Tom Cruise she downloaded into her Micro-spot-‘

‘Thank you for designing me to resemble your favorite celebrity, Tom Cruise. I hope you enjoyed your time with me. Please assist me to the Ubero car. Please text 555 on your Micro-spot if you have any complaints or suggestions about your Tindar Mate experience. Thank you.’

‘you have LEGS. Walk YOURSELF. My grandma said that men walked themselves out of houses ALL the time! Why do I have to walk you to a damn Ubero?!’ Ariana Grande Hoffman’s blood pressure micro-chip set off her alert system.

‘Calm yourself, dear, your blood pressure is rising. Calm yourself, dear, your blood pressure is rising’ The soothing voice of her grandmother boomed throughout the house. Her Alexo’s voice was set to ‘Grandma mode’ whenever a health issue was detected in Ariana’s body.

‘FINE. Come with me, stupid robot.’ Ariana Grande Hoffman grabbed her Tindar Mate by the arm and threw him into the Ubero. The robot weighed only 4 pounds, despite being 6’4 and resembling 1980s Tom Cruise.

Ariana Grande Hoffman walked back upstairs. Her home was silent. She felt very alone.

Her Micro-spot suddenly beeped 5 times.

Activate hologram mode, she said aloud.

Alexo announced: ‘Your friend, Janice, just finished watching your Tindar Mate experience. She is going to spend the rest of the day scrolling through Tindar Mates on her Micro-spot. Would you like to watch?’

‘Sure.’ Ariana Grande Hoffman muttered. She got back into bed and pressed her Micro-Spot.

‘Life sure is great. How did people live before Micro-spots?’

Alexo did not respond.